I’ve never felt like this. I’ve never cried like this.
This really scares me. I’m so afraid. So very fucking afraid.
I just sit here speechless, my mind filled with fear. I can’t think of anyone but her.
I just got out of my bed where I did nothing but cry, I couldn’t get to pull myself together. It was so strange, it felt so weird. But most of all it felt wrong to see her like that, when she sat there with her back at me crying not letting me help to dry the tears. To make her feel better. I wish I could say that everything’s better now, that everything is back to normal. I wish everything would be good and pain and sadness would be no more…
I feel so guilty that I didn’t hold her when she was crying. I wanted to but she wouldn’t let me. She said she loved me too much and I have to say that she’s right. I don’t deserve to be loved by her. I love her as much as she loves me but she does deserve it. Damn, I should take a break because I can’t see clear because of the tears… She suffers every time that she has to leave me as I suffer as well. Every day without her that passes I think of her all the time. Every time my mind drifts on her. I think of her like she’s the only thing in my life which gives meaning to it. That’s just because it’s like that. Whatever I do she’s there doing it with me, wherever I go she goes with me. It hurts when she’s not with me but I’m willing to take the pain for her. Because she makes it all worth while. When something’s bothering me or when I’m really hurt by something that happened she’s the one that makes it all seem ok by just hugging me. She doesn’t have to say a word to make me feel better. Her presence is all that’s necessary to make me forget about the rest. I couldn’t see to go on without her. I know that she would never want to let me fall but she’s suffering so hard because of me. Now I’m afraid that she won’t be able to take the pain any longer and that she would let me fall unintentionally. The fear that I feel is just overwhelming. I’d go to the end of the world and back for her. Absolutely nothing would stop me from making her happy, but now it seems that there’s a problem that can’t be totally solved for us at this specific moment. There’s a solution but it’s out of reach for now. If only we could be together all the time. Sharing our lives in a single home where we would be happy and wouldn’t have to worry about when we have to leave or when our parents are coming to pick us up. But that’s not yet possible, it’s something I regret. There’s nothing that I would rather like that to share my life with her. But for now there’s still a little distance between our lives. Luckily it’s a distance that isn’t too big. It’s still possible to go and stay with her whenever we would like it, but there’s still the duty of study that occupies us both. Nonetheless I’m with her whenever I want to, whenever the possibility comes I take it. Even if it means that I have to let drop everything still I would go to be with her. I can’t think of anyone that disserves more to be happy than her.
I want to make her happy but once more it seems like I can’t cut it. As long as I can’t be with her 24/7 or more there will be this pain that’s caused by the separation. It’s another one of life’s’ tests, a test that we must pass in order to reach our happiness. If we fail on this one we might lose all we already have and everything that we could have had in the future. It’s not just a matter of things we have, but our very lives depend on it. Damn, the nerves in my eyes are dyed red while the tears still stand… I know I’ll never give up on her. I love her to the very end of everything. May the powers that be give her power to keep going and never give up on this beautiful love that we are lucky to call ours.
I love you Lily, hope you’ll find inner peace so that we can be together forever
Miss you
Monday, September 23, 2002
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
Moonlight Dreamer
I kinda like what I’m experiencing these days. Everything seems to be going well and since a while I feel at ease. It’s not like I’m at ease 24/7, but it’s better now than it has been before. I’m just so happy that our paths crossed. I can’t imagine what I would have done without her. She’s there every day, always ready to talk about anything or even the most personal thoughts. Things that others don’t know about her or me. Dark secrets revealed while covering the failures with positive emotions. Making the other feel good with who he or she is. Doing almost everything for the other in order for him or her to be happy.
She brings out the best in me. Sweet words come from my mind which I would never expect to hear from my own lips. Nothing but love comes from this hart while there’s no room for anything bad to feel. As long as I’m hanging around her there’s nothing wrong. The first encounter in real life was something weird actually. To see her for the first time, even though I saw the pictures I was very surprised. She didn’t look anything like the pictures I saw. She was so beautiful, I was simply stunned. Not only that but I was sure that maybe for once I would have luck in this life. It turned out that she was way better than I could ever have imagined, not only physical but also mental.
How I miss her since that first and only encounter this far. I can’t wait until I’ll see her again. “Will that day ever come ?” I ask myself every morning when I get out of bed. Longing for that moment when I get to talk with her over the internet or when she leaves me a call so that I know that she’s thinking of me. It’s those little things that make my day bearable. How I wish I was with her every single second of every day.
Just got out of the shower and it’s already late. A minute past midnight as I feel that it’s still warm outside. I just go outside and sit on the bench in front of the small garden with herbs. The sky is almost dark but the horizon still is of a lighter shade of blue. The stars are present and the moon is shining over me. I sit there and dream of her while I stare at the dark sky. I start dreaming in the moonlight. Wishing that she could be with me right now, out here in this quiet place where the scents bring back memories of times long ago. Wishing she would be here, lying in my arms while watching the sky. Whispering because we don’t want to break the silence but most of the time we are silent and listen to the distant sounds of the night. The moon would brighten the sky as we sit there enjoying each others company. Silently I would turn my head and tell her that I love her. Hoping that the moment would never end and that the night would never die. But this still is but a mere fantasy for now.
As I watch the stars form the patterns which are there since the beginning of times I think of the infinity of this all. Endless space with numerous planets and stars. Endless like my love for her, nothing will ever end this unconditional love. I feel happy while I’m sitting outside where the temperature is better than inside. Thinking of the only person which has been on my mind for the past few weeks. Even though she does love me there’s that little detail which I seem to forget on purpose. The fact that she has a difficult choice to make. One which will represent the outcome of this all. The choice which could make me happy until infinity or the one that could bring me down.
I have faith in her and I only want what’s the best for her even though it would mean for me to return to my old state of mind.
I love her so much that I just want her to be happy.
It’s time to go inside and get some sleep. There’s a long day ahead of me and I can’t wait to speak with her again. Hope to see her soon in my dreams…
She brings out the best in me. Sweet words come from my mind which I would never expect to hear from my own lips. Nothing but love comes from this hart while there’s no room for anything bad to feel. As long as I’m hanging around her there’s nothing wrong. The first encounter in real life was something weird actually. To see her for the first time, even though I saw the pictures I was very surprised. She didn’t look anything like the pictures I saw. She was so beautiful, I was simply stunned. Not only that but I was sure that maybe for once I would have luck in this life. It turned out that she was way better than I could ever have imagined, not only physical but also mental.
How I miss her since that first and only encounter this far. I can’t wait until I’ll see her again. “Will that day ever come ?” I ask myself every morning when I get out of bed. Longing for that moment when I get to talk with her over the internet or when she leaves me a call so that I know that she’s thinking of me. It’s those little things that make my day bearable. How I wish I was with her every single second of every day.
Just got out of the shower and it’s already late. A minute past midnight as I feel that it’s still warm outside. I just go outside and sit on the bench in front of the small garden with herbs. The sky is almost dark but the horizon still is of a lighter shade of blue. The stars are present and the moon is shining over me. I sit there and dream of her while I stare at the dark sky. I start dreaming in the moonlight. Wishing that she could be with me right now, out here in this quiet place where the scents bring back memories of times long ago. Wishing she would be here, lying in my arms while watching the sky. Whispering because we don’t want to break the silence but most of the time we are silent and listen to the distant sounds of the night. The moon would brighten the sky as we sit there enjoying each others company. Silently I would turn my head and tell her that I love her. Hoping that the moment would never end and that the night would never die. But this still is but a mere fantasy for now.
As I watch the stars form the patterns which are there since the beginning of times I think of the infinity of this all. Endless space with numerous planets and stars. Endless like my love for her, nothing will ever end this unconditional love. I feel happy while I’m sitting outside where the temperature is better than inside. Thinking of the only person which has been on my mind for the past few weeks. Even though she does love me there’s that little detail which I seem to forget on purpose. The fact that she has a difficult choice to make. One which will represent the outcome of this all. The choice which could make me happy until infinity or the one that could bring me down.
I have faith in her and I only want what’s the best for her even though it would mean for me to return to my old state of mind.
I love her so much that I just want her to be happy.
It’s time to go inside and get some sleep. There’s a long day ahead of me and I can’t wait to speak with her again. Hope to see her soon in my dreams…
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
Wondering
I’m still wondering why my life is so fucking bad…
I thought that maybe things were changing for the better lately. I felt so alive when I was talking with her and telling her very personal stuff.
But now the same question is bleeding on my arm once more: WHY. It feels like something indescribable. The stinging pain is present in the shallow cuts and the blood slowly comes out marking that one word. Call me crazy or insane but you’ll never understand why I’m doing this. A catharsis like I wrote in Pain isn’t enough, it liberated my thoughts but it didn’t change the pain that I felt in my heart. The physical pain that I feel now makes me come back to reality. It takes my mind off the things that hurt me mentally. Now I see that not everything is completely lost even though my mind tells me that I’ll never be happy. That I won’t stand a chance with her, even though I love her that much.
I wish that I had known this all earlier. But it wouldn’t have helped a lot, I still would love her as much as I do now. I’ve only known her for like 2 weeks but it doesn’t matter to me. She knows so much about me and I’m intrigued by her personality. All the similarities that we have in common, all the pain which we went through which was exactly the same. The same state of mind in a different person. A person that is so beautiful but doesn’t know it, or just doesn’t want to believe it. So closed in her own little world without anyone with who she feels completely at peace. Which understands her and supports her. Someone who would be there to hold her while she needs to let her emotions go. No one to be around her and make her feel loved without a word being said. Nobody who’s there every time that she needs them.
She’s searching for something that’s right in front of her but still there’s a problem. There are several possibilities. Most of us don’t have a choice in life and those people don’t know how lucky they are. There’s nothing more difficult than to choose between 2 people for whom someone has feelings. So damn frustrating, knowing that one of the two will be disappointed. The one will be happy while the other might be not so happy with the result. Or maybe so unhappy that he just breaks down completely. Wondering why he’s beaten down to the ground again. Nice guys finish last…
It’s hard to make a choice, it’s even harder to let one fall. It doesn’t matter who falls, it’s always hard. Especially when you had feelings for that person. What if I was the one who fell. Once more like I’ve been dropped down the steep ledge to crash down in the dirt. I would be more than devastated, considering that this is the very first time that I learned to love someone this intense on such a short notice. Yes, I would be totally broken. Restart from somewhere far below Zero because my self-image and feelings would be annihilated.
I wish I didn’t have to suffer like this. That she wouldn’t have to make a choice. For once no problems at all, but unfortunately things didn’t turn out to be that way.
Sometimes I wished that I wouldn’t feel love or mental pain at all. Just something like hate so that I could survive in this society. Something like vegeta must be, a cold rock which only takes care of himself. But then I would never experience love. And I would be alone for all eternity because nobody would like me. Even now people don’t really like me just because they don’t really know who I am. Why must I live life lonely?
Why do I live anyway? What will become of me? Where will all of this end???
Can somebody tell me???
Monday, June 10, 2002
Pain
What is it with this world that it won’t let me be happy? Why is everything always so complicated and unfair to FUCKING ME??? I’m so fucking sick of it. Why is it that I always come to find that I’m not the only one. There’s always someone else between me and my happiness. I’m so sick right now. Would like to grab something just to make the pain go away. Or cut my arm to forget all of this. Drown in a pool of physical pain instead of this mental pain. I hate my life!!! One day I believe I can take the world by myself but now I’m close to breaking down. So fast since I’ve met her. This is all so very new for me. I told her everything in just 2 weeks. Talked for hours with her letting her know my every thought. I didn’t hold anything back from her and spoke my mind. I didn’t lie to her and would do anything so she could be happy. I still would do anything in order for her to be happy, in spite of my own pain. It’s so fucked to be me.
Now I’m sitting here all alone in my bedroom, like I’ve always have been alone at moments like this. Wallow in my pain with nobody around. Trying to get a grip on myself or my pain but this time it doesn’t seem to go. Now I’m completely sure that I love her, before I had like a few seconds where I thought that my feelings might have been wrong, but the feeling of pain that I have now has certainly removed all doubt from my heart. It feels like my soul is shattered. I don’t blame her because it really is my own fault. Maybe I had too high hopes for us but still this doesn’t feel right. I can’t seem to stop crying, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? Pull me down and drown me before I do something stupid. Put me on some sort of narcotics before I take the knife from my desk. Pain created by anticipation? Maybe but it doesn’t really matter. I know that she said that she doesn’t want to chose right now and that still everything can become right but live has never been that good to me.
She will be taken away from me like everything else. I’ve already lost everything before and it seems like history repeats itself again. Why does it always happen to me? What the fuck did I do wrong to disserve all of this. Can’t anything go right, even if it were only for one time? Is that really too much to expect from life. Sadness kicked in my heart without an real reason. Why do I doubt everything around me. I feel so abandoned and alone, fucking nobody to hold me and everyone’s gone. Like it has always been.
This should be written in my down theory. But it’s not a theory it’s my life that has turned it’s back on me AGAIN. Why does everyone lie to me? Why does everyone make me believe that life is fucking beautiful while I’m sitting here like this? I’m so sick of myself. I just want to bleed, let the blood flow on the white carpet in my room. Why won’t the tears stop flowing, it’s already going on for almost 30 minutes…
I’m just so little, I’ll never reach what I want in my life. All I want life is to be happy. But I guess that dreams just don’t come true.
What do I tell the rest when I come down with my eyes still red from the tears (if the tears will have finally stopped, if’ they’ll ever stop). I’ll just tell them to fuck off and don’t ask. I don’t want them to interfere with my issues. That’s what my life is all about, fucking issues. I’m just a big 0, like I have always been.
Why must I go through all this? When tomorrow I’ll just see my friends again with their “happy” lives.
Will I ever pull down a trigger? I would love to do it but will I ever have the guts to really do it? As long as this pain would stop. I’d do anything.
Why do I love her so damn much? I know why but I just can’t explain. Just so damn special to me. But does she even know or understand…
I’ve really got some psychic problems. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I won’t see no shrink because he can only understand my problem but he can’t solve it. All the people who have wished me luck, all the people which try to gave me strength to carry on with this live. They all look so very distant and nothing they said seems to matter, nothing seems to help me out. The support I got from every human being that I know is not enough to keep me going. It seems so useless. I must look so seamless now. It’s getting darker outside as I sit here writing down my deepest feelings. I could wish for what I want but none of those wishes would come true. Everything would backfire. Karma doesn’t work, will it ever work? I don’t fucking think so.
Now where’s that knife, let me take it and make me forget myself for some time. Make me forget everything around me, everything that isn’t there. I’m so unhappy, I’ve been it for such a long time. Why, I always keep asking that same fucking question. WHY??? What has happened to me over these past years? I don’t want to remember most of it because it all brings back a mass of pain but all of that seems nothing compared with what I feel know.
I’ve just been broken. Broken by my own thoughts and pain. I love her so damn much. Why won’t anyone hear me???
Now I’m sitting here all alone in my bedroom, like I’ve always have been alone at moments like this. Wallow in my pain with nobody around. Trying to get a grip on myself or my pain but this time it doesn’t seem to go. Now I’m completely sure that I love her, before I had like a few seconds where I thought that my feelings might have been wrong, but the feeling of pain that I have now has certainly removed all doubt from my heart. It feels like my soul is shattered. I don’t blame her because it really is my own fault. Maybe I had too high hopes for us but still this doesn’t feel right. I can’t seem to stop crying, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? Pull me down and drown me before I do something stupid. Put me on some sort of narcotics before I take the knife from my desk. Pain created by anticipation? Maybe but it doesn’t really matter. I know that she said that she doesn’t want to chose right now and that still everything can become right but live has never been that good to me.
She will be taken away from me like everything else. I’ve already lost everything before and it seems like history repeats itself again. Why does it always happen to me? What the fuck did I do wrong to disserve all of this. Can’t anything go right, even if it were only for one time? Is that really too much to expect from life. Sadness kicked in my heart without an real reason. Why do I doubt everything around me. I feel so abandoned and alone, fucking nobody to hold me and everyone’s gone. Like it has always been.
This should be written in my down theory. But it’s not a theory it’s my life that has turned it’s back on me AGAIN. Why does everyone lie to me? Why does everyone make me believe that life is fucking beautiful while I’m sitting here like this? I’m so sick of myself. I just want to bleed, let the blood flow on the white carpet in my room. Why won’t the tears stop flowing, it’s already going on for almost 30 minutes…
I’m just so little, I’ll never reach what I want in my life. All I want life is to be happy. But I guess that dreams just don’t come true.
What do I tell the rest when I come down with my eyes still red from the tears (if the tears will have finally stopped, if’ they’ll ever stop). I’ll just tell them to fuck off and don’t ask. I don’t want them to interfere with my issues. That’s what my life is all about, fucking issues. I’m just a big 0, like I have always been.
Why must I go through all this? When tomorrow I’ll just see my friends again with their “happy” lives.
Will I ever pull down a trigger? I would love to do it but will I ever have the guts to really do it? As long as this pain would stop. I’d do anything.
Why do I love her so damn much? I know why but I just can’t explain. Just so damn special to me. But does she even know or understand…
I’ve really got some psychic problems. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I won’t see no shrink because he can only understand my problem but he can’t solve it. All the people who have wished me luck, all the people which try to gave me strength to carry on with this live. They all look so very distant and nothing they said seems to matter, nothing seems to help me out. The support I got from every human being that I know is not enough to keep me going. It seems so useless. I must look so seamless now. It’s getting darker outside as I sit here writing down my deepest feelings. I could wish for what I want but none of those wishes would come true. Everything would backfire. Karma doesn’t work, will it ever work? I don’t fucking think so.
Now where’s that knife, let me take it and make me forget myself for some time. Make me forget everything around me, everything that isn’t there. I’m so unhappy, I’ve been it for such a long time. Why, I always keep asking that same fucking question. WHY??? What has happened to me over these past years? I don’t want to remember most of it because it all brings back a mass of pain but all of that seems nothing compared with what I feel know.
I’ve just been broken. Broken by my own thoughts and pain. I love her so damn much. Why won’t anyone hear me???
Wednesday, June 5, 2002
Savior
It’s fucking strange. Now that I have just started with my exams an old feeling comes back to me. It was strange, at first I didn’t even know what the hell it was.
It all started when I met her, it was one big coincidence that she came across my site where she read some stuff of me. When I saw her notice I was pleasantly surprised to hear that there was another soul out there that felt exactly like me. Maybe not at the same time but in some occasions. When I read how she praised my ability to express exactly what I think, I was very flattered and I just added her to my normal contact-list so that I could get to know her better and to ask what she would think of future stuff that I would write. Of course I didn’t have a lot of time to chat with her online but when I got online I didn’t even had to look if she was there because she came to me before I could even look. Nobody else did that to me since a long time, and I have my internet for quite some time now. So I was always happy to talk to her. She resembles me in almost every way. The more I talked to her the more I started to like her. Without knowing it she became special to me in a way that nobody else has been special for me. I can’t explain it I guess, she’s just like a female version of me but a little bit altered and way cuter. But still I stand baffled that we are so alike. I still don’t know very much of her but there’s plenty of time in the future. I would know more if I didn’t have those fucked up exams which are keeping me busy lately.
Those last couple of days were different. I was chatting with her but I had this strange gut feeling, at first it felt like pain and I didn’t know why but then the next day the feeling was there again. And not only when I was chatting with her. Even when I was sitting at my desk studying I had that feeling and I couldn’t really concentrate. The pain started changing and now it became an strange feeling which didn’t really hurt me but it was just weird.
Weird because I knew the feeling but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it what it was. But it didn’t really matter at that moment because I was making my first exam. Still it bothered me when I got out of that big place. I just walked outside and saw two classmates and I just went with them. When one of them asked me why I was so happy, even after such an difficult exam, I realized what that feeling was.
I was astonished by the conclusion. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t recognize the same feeling that I had about a year ago. But as I came to think about it, the match was perfect.
I was in love…
I knew she meant something special for me, but I didn’t realize how much exactly. I had told her more about me those last past days than most people that I know know about me. I didn’t really know what to do. Hell I still don’t really know what to do. I already got the number of her cellular and we mailed but I don’t really know if I should tell her how I feel about her. What if the feeling wouldn’t be mutual. Or what if she just wants to be friends instead of lovers. I could go and fuck it all up just because I’m in love with her. I haven’t even met her in real life but that doesn’t really bother me. She understands me directly when I try to explain something, she agrees with my points of view. She doesn’t really try to change the way that I am. I’ve never met someone like her. Someone who lets me be the person who I really am. Even with the little dumb details. Maybe that ‘s just because she doesn’t really know me yet ,but still…
When I was watching the sky tonight in my room I was thinking of her. About what she would be doing at that moment. So I just sent her a little message to let her know that I was thinking about her. And about the way that I felt that moment all alone in my room. Told her that I didn’t want to live life lonely. Some time later I received a message from her in which she mentioned that she exactly knew what I meant. Was it a hint? Did she get my hint? I don’t know and I can only guess at this moment.
I don’t know what to do. Maybe if she reads this she’ll understand that it’s about her. But will she be able to let me know how she feels? Damn sometimes things can be difficult. Life’s so fucking hard, and that’s so fucking true.
It all started when I met her, it was one big coincidence that she came across my site where she read some stuff of me. When I saw her notice I was pleasantly surprised to hear that there was another soul out there that felt exactly like me. Maybe not at the same time but in some occasions. When I read how she praised my ability to express exactly what I think, I was very flattered and I just added her to my normal contact-list so that I could get to know her better and to ask what she would think of future stuff that I would write. Of course I didn’t have a lot of time to chat with her online but when I got online I didn’t even had to look if she was there because she came to me before I could even look. Nobody else did that to me since a long time, and I have my internet for quite some time now. So I was always happy to talk to her. She resembles me in almost every way. The more I talked to her the more I started to like her. Without knowing it she became special to me in a way that nobody else has been special for me. I can’t explain it I guess, she’s just like a female version of me but a little bit altered and way cuter. But still I stand baffled that we are so alike. I still don’t know very much of her but there’s plenty of time in the future. I would know more if I didn’t have those fucked up exams which are keeping me busy lately.
Those last couple of days were different. I was chatting with her but I had this strange gut feeling, at first it felt like pain and I didn’t know why but then the next day the feeling was there again. And not only when I was chatting with her. Even when I was sitting at my desk studying I had that feeling and I couldn’t really concentrate. The pain started changing and now it became an strange feeling which didn’t really hurt me but it was just weird.
Weird because I knew the feeling but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it what it was. But it didn’t really matter at that moment because I was making my first exam. Still it bothered me when I got out of that big place. I just walked outside and saw two classmates and I just went with them. When one of them asked me why I was so happy, even after such an difficult exam, I realized what that feeling was.
I was astonished by the conclusion. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t recognize the same feeling that I had about a year ago. But as I came to think about it, the match was perfect.
I was in love…
I knew she meant something special for me, but I didn’t realize how much exactly. I had told her more about me those last past days than most people that I know know about me. I didn’t really know what to do. Hell I still don’t really know what to do. I already got the number of her cellular and we mailed but I don’t really know if I should tell her how I feel about her. What if the feeling wouldn’t be mutual. Or what if she just wants to be friends instead of lovers. I could go and fuck it all up just because I’m in love with her. I haven’t even met her in real life but that doesn’t really bother me. She understands me directly when I try to explain something, she agrees with my points of view. She doesn’t really try to change the way that I am. I’ve never met someone like her. Someone who lets me be the person who I really am. Even with the little dumb details. Maybe that ‘s just because she doesn’t really know me yet ,but still…
When I was watching the sky tonight in my room I was thinking of her. About what she would be doing at that moment. So I just sent her a little message to let her know that I was thinking about her. And about the way that I felt that moment all alone in my room. Told her that I didn’t want to live life lonely. Some time later I received a message from her in which she mentioned that she exactly knew what I meant. Was it a hint? Did she get my hint? I don’t know and I can only guess at this moment.
I don’t know what to do. Maybe if she reads this she’ll understand that it’s about her. But will she be able to let me know how she feels? Damn sometimes things can be difficult. Life’s so fucking hard, and that’s so fucking true.
Sunday, June 2, 2002
Down Theory
There was a time when I was happy, and by that I mean really happy. It was when I was just a k|d, a little guy that didn’t know anything of life. Everyday was the same, simplicity was the game I played. It was fun to live and go to school every day, where all your friends were. Where you just played soccer every break, where you always had fun. ALWAYS… It didn’t matter what weather it was. It didn’t matter what happened in the real world out there. We were protected by our ignorance. Ignorance kept us happy.
Now I know that the whole world is based on pain. Nothing’s real but pain. Everyday I experience it again. I’m not blind anymore, I see it all around me. Places I have never heard of before are mentioned in the news with stories about the suffering people. Confronted with the thing that keeps the globe going. The pain is surrounding us everyday. You just have to open your eyes to see it. The small signs tell stories of agony and misery. Every morning someone wakes up and wishes he didn’t live. Someone gets up and tries to forget himself by taking some pills. People erase themselves from the very lives they're living. Others mutilate themselves and leave scars which will never be forgotten. Scars in their flesh but also in their mind. Nobody likes it when the truth is said. Everybody thinks pain isn’t present all around us, they think it’s just something that happens somewhere else with only a few strange people for whom they don’t feel sympathy. Small pain can lead to suicide. It happens more often then you think. People who can’t stand to live with the things which they have been through. Ashamed to go on like they’re doing, ashamed of something that other people don’t know. In their silence they are oppressed by the pain which is hidden to the people around. Most people won’t notice it as long as they can keep their mouth shut. But those situations are unbearable, sooner or later something will snap. When it does another body can be buried in the dirt where we all will end up. Leaving the others in question, nobody knows why they took their own lives. But when they do know they feel worse than when they wouldn’t have known. Ignorance is bliss.
It’s so strange how the smallest problems can have such an impact on persons. A simple remark can destroy lives. Everybody reacts different on things that happen to them. The one is weaker than the other and can’t stand as much punishment as life gives us all. One will smile it away while the other is weeping in a corner away from others to see. Most of the times the solution to their problems isn’t so big and the solutions are quite simple but they can’t really seem to find it. Some of them cry for help. And when they get it everything is fine. It’s ridiculous that some people don’t seem to know how to solve their own shit they got themselves in.
And then there are the people who blame themselves in everything they fail while it’s not always like that. It’s easy to blame oneself instead of having to point a finger. When you point your finger to someone you think that got you the problems you have to change your whole attitude towards that person but in some cases that person is someone who they care about. So they blame themselves and think that the problem will be solved pretty quickly like that. Nothing is further from the truth. The more one blames himself, the worse they will feel as they continue doing it. It’s not good even though it’s the easy way out.
Conflicts within oneself is always something that creates an certain amount of pain. When one isn’t happy with himself it’s only a small step to start comparing to other people. And when one like that starts comparing with standards in this fucked society there’s no way that he or she will feel better by him- or herself. Everywhere around us are role-models of something that almost nobody can achieve. Media try to make people think that they can buy happiness by using that product or living that lifestyle. Subsequently people start to believe it, as long that the message is repeated over and over again, people will fall for the trap. It’s not pretty to see but even society tries to make us believe that it’s not to bad to live our lives the way that we do. Consuming what is unnecessary and buying total worthless shit. But does it make us happy? Will it make everything better when you lost somebody? Will it replace love that faded a long time ago? Is ignorance really bliss???
It’s painful just to come to find that my whole life is a lie. Always making people believe that I’m the happy guy on the block. That nothing can make me cry. Solid like a rock, trustful as nobody else and always ready to help somebody out. Even a rock can split, trust isn’t always easy to remain and sometimes even I don’t know what to do. I’m not perfect and I never will be. I’m not happy and it doesn’t seem like I’ll be happy ever again. Pain seems to come but never leave. It just keeps on coming while I try to get rid of the pain that I feel. I can’t be the ever happy guy which everyone can call when they need it. I hate myself for living the way that I do now. I try so hard to be happy but it’s not working out. There’s always something in the way. If it’s not a very close friend that is in deep shit for whom I feel bad than it’s something completely else. Why is it that I can’t find love? What is it that makes me so fucking ugly…
It’s so fucking frustrating. Seeing life laughing in my fucking face while I’m on my knees. I’m not giving in though. A big fuck you keeps me in reality. Everyday again I tell myself to fuck off while I feel the need to contemplate suicide. No place for that in my mind. It just makes me worse than I am already and I’m not ready to take the easy way out. I won’t give in to life and reality. Even thought it’s hard to live with the insult which is my life I still don’t want to give up the few things that I have achieved.
Why is it that several people think I’m cool, that I’m cute? Why do people say that I have one of the purest hearts that they’ve ever seen? Why am I rated so fucking positive when I can’t even seem to see it myself. When I look in the mirror I just see another ugly motherfucker like there are plenty more. How the fuck can that be different to other people? While the whole society judges you on the two seconds they see your outside before them.I Despise those people which judge me on what they see while they don’t really care about the person within. Ignorance is what they choose…
What about the past for me. I came to find that the most pain comes from relationships gone bad. The fall is always a bitch. It’s not so hard to fall when you’re really in love with someone you totally trust. And I can assure you that the fall will be steep and painful. The last times that I was lucky enough to enjoy the short moments of love I felt it quite often. Just because they thought a month with me was long enough. So they just let me fall. Even though they don’t really mean to hurt me they still do. All the sorry feelings in the world can’t help it go away.
Every time again when I was in a relationship I thought it was something special. Something that wouldn’t go away, that she would actually love me for the rest of her life. So they always told me, I love you forever, I’ll never leave you and all that bullshit. But, foolish as I was, I always believed them. Perhaps because I wanted to believe them. Every time again I found out that they couldn’t make it true. Every time I was dropped down that little hole down that leads to depression. I loved it when I was with them, and I was even happy. But once it was over I came to find the real me, the person that I am now. Love is nothing but one big lie. And I hate being lied to. Every time I said I’d love them forever I meant it. But it wasn’t mutual, I’ve should have known. It sickens me to be dumped but every time I forgave them and blamed myself. Just because I didn’t want to make it to hard for them so I tried to forget my feelings as fast as possible, which wasn’t so easy at times. So I carry on with life while I carry the burden of every past relationship I’ve been in. Reminding the past memories just brings back the pain they’ve caused me but I can’t help but to reminisce about it. It’s part of my life so I just can’t forget about it even thought the pain is incredible. It’s a contradiction but I would almost give anything to be happy with someone who I love. But like I said it seems so very impossible.
Why should I go on like this? Sometimes I’m sitting in my room asking myself that question. I would do it for my friends, especially for Joris because he’s the best friend I can imagine. But that would actually be the only reason why. It’s sad as I come to think about it and come to that conclusion. So depressing to live my life. So fucking depressing to see almost all of my friends happy with their girl- or boyfriend. Seeing them being happy and so fucking all in my face. Everywhere I’m reminded of it by all those happy couples. Even the most fucked individuals, the most ugly assholes that have walked this globe had a fucking relationship, the bitches that were like snakes crawled around with their men like it was nothing. And still I’m sitting here in this funny joke which life just told. It doesn’t matter anyway because we’re all just mere liars in this life or any other life that we should live. Lying for our own benefice while we screw with other people which actually just do the same thing.
Life’s not beautiful at all when you think about it, it’s all just misery because of other people which hurt you.
Now I know that the whole world is based on pain. Nothing’s real but pain. Everyday I experience it again. I’m not blind anymore, I see it all around me. Places I have never heard of before are mentioned in the news with stories about the suffering people. Confronted with the thing that keeps the globe going. The pain is surrounding us everyday. You just have to open your eyes to see it. The small signs tell stories of agony and misery. Every morning someone wakes up and wishes he didn’t live. Someone gets up and tries to forget himself by taking some pills. People erase themselves from the very lives they're living. Others mutilate themselves and leave scars which will never be forgotten. Scars in their flesh but also in their mind. Nobody likes it when the truth is said. Everybody thinks pain isn’t present all around us, they think it’s just something that happens somewhere else with only a few strange people for whom they don’t feel sympathy. Small pain can lead to suicide. It happens more often then you think. People who can’t stand to live with the things which they have been through. Ashamed to go on like they’re doing, ashamed of something that other people don’t know. In their silence they are oppressed by the pain which is hidden to the people around. Most people won’t notice it as long as they can keep their mouth shut. But those situations are unbearable, sooner or later something will snap. When it does another body can be buried in the dirt where we all will end up. Leaving the others in question, nobody knows why they took their own lives. But when they do know they feel worse than when they wouldn’t have known. Ignorance is bliss.
It’s so strange how the smallest problems can have such an impact on persons. A simple remark can destroy lives. Everybody reacts different on things that happen to them. The one is weaker than the other and can’t stand as much punishment as life gives us all. One will smile it away while the other is weeping in a corner away from others to see. Most of the times the solution to their problems isn’t so big and the solutions are quite simple but they can’t really seem to find it. Some of them cry for help. And when they get it everything is fine. It’s ridiculous that some people don’t seem to know how to solve their own shit they got themselves in.
And then there are the people who blame themselves in everything they fail while it’s not always like that. It’s easy to blame oneself instead of having to point a finger. When you point your finger to someone you think that got you the problems you have to change your whole attitude towards that person but in some cases that person is someone who they care about. So they blame themselves and think that the problem will be solved pretty quickly like that. Nothing is further from the truth. The more one blames himself, the worse they will feel as they continue doing it. It’s not good even though it’s the easy way out.
Conflicts within oneself is always something that creates an certain amount of pain. When one isn’t happy with himself it’s only a small step to start comparing to other people. And when one like that starts comparing with standards in this fucked society there’s no way that he or she will feel better by him- or herself. Everywhere around us are role-models of something that almost nobody can achieve. Media try to make people think that they can buy happiness by using that product or living that lifestyle. Subsequently people start to believe it, as long that the message is repeated over and over again, people will fall for the trap. It’s not pretty to see but even society tries to make us believe that it’s not to bad to live our lives the way that we do. Consuming what is unnecessary and buying total worthless shit. But does it make us happy? Will it make everything better when you lost somebody? Will it replace love that faded a long time ago? Is ignorance really bliss???
It’s painful just to come to find that my whole life is a lie. Always making people believe that I’m the happy guy on the block. That nothing can make me cry. Solid like a rock, trustful as nobody else and always ready to help somebody out. Even a rock can split, trust isn’t always easy to remain and sometimes even I don’t know what to do. I’m not perfect and I never will be. I’m not happy and it doesn’t seem like I’ll be happy ever again. Pain seems to come but never leave. It just keeps on coming while I try to get rid of the pain that I feel. I can’t be the ever happy guy which everyone can call when they need it. I hate myself for living the way that I do now. I try so hard to be happy but it’s not working out. There’s always something in the way. If it’s not a very close friend that is in deep shit for whom I feel bad than it’s something completely else. Why is it that I can’t find love? What is it that makes me so fucking ugly…
It’s so fucking frustrating. Seeing life laughing in my fucking face while I’m on my knees. I’m not giving in though. A big fuck you keeps me in reality. Everyday again I tell myself to fuck off while I feel the need to contemplate suicide. No place for that in my mind. It just makes me worse than I am already and I’m not ready to take the easy way out. I won’t give in to life and reality. Even thought it’s hard to live with the insult which is my life I still don’t want to give up the few things that I have achieved.
Why is it that several people think I’m cool, that I’m cute? Why do people say that I have one of the purest hearts that they’ve ever seen? Why am I rated so fucking positive when I can’t even seem to see it myself. When I look in the mirror I just see another ugly motherfucker like there are plenty more. How the fuck can that be different to other people? While the whole society judges you on the two seconds they see your outside before them.I Despise those people which judge me on what they see while they don’t really care about the person within. Ignorance is what they choose…
What about the past for me. I came to find that the most pain comes from relationships gone bad. The fall is always a bitch. It’s not so hard to fall when you’re really in love with someone you totally trust. And I can assure you that the fall will be steep and painful. The last times that I was lucky enough to enjoy the short moments of love I felt it quite often. Just because they thought a month with me was long enough. So they just let me fall. Even though they don’t really mean to hurt me they still do. All the sorry feelings in the world can’t help it go away.
Every time again when I was in a relationship I thought it was something special. Something that wouldn’t go away, that she would actually love me for the rest of her life. So they always told me, I love you forever, I’ll never leave you and all that bullshit. But, foolish as I was, I always believed them. Perhaps because I wanted to believe them. Every time again I found out that they couldn’t make it true. Every time I was dropped down that little hole down that leads to depression. I loved it when I was with them, and I was even happy. But once it was over I came to find the real me, the person that I am now. Love is nothing but one big lie. And I hate being lied to. Every time I said I’d love them forever I meant it. But it wasn’t mutual, I’ve should have known. It sickens me to be dumped but every time I forgave them and blamed myself. Just because I didn’t want to make it to hard for them so I tried to forget my feelings as fast as possible, which wasn’t so easy at times. So I carry on with life while I carry the burden of every past relationship I’ve been in. Reminding the past memories just brings back the pain they’ve caused me but I can’t help but to reminisce about it. It’s part of my life so I just can’t forget about it even thought the pain is incredible. It’s a contradiction but I would almost give anything to be happy with someone who I love. But like I said it seems so very impossible.
Why should I go on like this? Sometimes I’m sitting in my room asking myself that question. I would do it for my friends, especially for Joris because he’s the best friend I can imagine. But that would actually be the only reason why. It’s sad as I come to think about it and come to that conclusion. So depressing to live my life. So fucking depressing to see almost all of my friends happy with their girl- or boyfriend. Seeing them being happy and so fucking all in my face. Everywhere I’m reminded of it by all those happy couples. Even the most fucked individuals, the most ugly assholes that have walked this globe had a fucking relationship, the bitches that were like snakes crawled around with their men like it was nothing. And still I’m sitting here in this funny joke which life just told. It doesn’t matter anyway because we’re all just mere liars in this life or any other life that we should live. Lying for our own benefice while we screw with other people which actually just do the same thing.
Life’s not beautiful at all when you think about it, it’s all just misery because of other people which hurt you.
Sunday, May 26, 2002
1 Year Later
26th of may, just another Sunday. So I thought.
Awoke around 12 o’clock and moved my ass down the stairs. And call me a freak but it didn’t take 30 minutes for me to find the computer. So I dragged my brother from behind it and looked if there was any mail for me, while I was at that I checked my list of chatpeeps on msn. As I was looking I saw that a pall of me was absent and next to his nick stood that he was gone to his school for a special day where parents of potential new students could go get to meet the school and teachers. Where there are a whole lot of activities to do. And off course a lot of the students which already go there would be there too.
At first I thought that he went to another school but then it came to my mind that a year ago I went to the same thing of the school where we both were. So I asked to another dude on my list if it was the event of the SBC. He confirmed it and immediately I had to think about the past. I thought about it. Why she didn’t let me know anything but it didn’t take long ‘till I knew why. Not so hard to find out but kinda disappointing just because of the past.
One year ago, maybe a little bit longer but it was around the same time. The time when I was still happy. Why I was still happy? Because of her. The same event, we were in love and her parents couldn’t know so we met in secret on that day. Her parents wouldn’t be there and nobody who could snitch either. It was one of those days which will remain locked in my head with the happy memories. It was her that dragged me away from all the pain and misery. Took my mind from the dark thoughts of suicide and the endless circle of agony. Took my mind from all of that and filled it with love for her. I was happy with every day that I knew that she was there for me. I just couldn’t get enough glimpses of her. That was why we met that day. Because it was too hard to miss her for the whole weekend. Damn that distance that lied between us back then.
The day itself was great, it was just the whole afternoon with her. It was at school but the teachers or anyone else couldn’t stop us from walking hand in hand through the buildings where we wandered the rest of the week. It was a nice day, the sun was shining and it was warm enough to walk around in T-shirt. I could write here everything but I’m not going to. Just because it hurts to much to go back and that it wouldn’t interest any of you. Kinda strange if I think about it. Even though it happened a year ago I can still imagine what exactly happened. What we did, what we said and how we said goodbye. The torture of letting her go back to her parents, away from me…
And then times change. I didn’t like it one bit. It looked like the things just changed for the worst. I lost her and I had to go through a horrible time of pain. Slowly I got back to my feet during the holiday and then it all started again. The long silence between me and her was broken. At first things didn’t go so good. The communication didn’t really seem to work but about a week later it went smooth again. I came to hear from her that she actually still loved me. That changed the whole perspective of my life. What did I have to begin with that? It did make me feel better but on the other hand I knew that I would get hurt again. It went ok for awhile but there wasn’t really a relationship. It seemed just to be a mentioning of feelings without anything more. Even though I thought then that it meant something for her, maybe it did but I don’t even dare to ask her. But as I told before I would get hurt again.
It was all strange what happened. Like something from a soap. The problem for her to choose between me and an other guy and stuff like that. Even worse shit than that but every time again it looked like we had overcome it. I always helped her out with advice and help. Even though I didn’t see her at all. It was all done by chatting. And I see what people mean now when they say that the internet is way to impersonal. In one way it’s true. We are more lonely than ever even when we can talk to everybody on the globe. I felt alone even though I knew that there was somebody out there that loved me.
Then one day it happened. I shouldn’t had been so surprised because it had to turn out that way sooner or later. She finally found someone close to her that she loved more than me. There was this huge fight where she had hurt me pretty bad. Not only did she leave me again but the way how she told me was just too much. I had lost everything again. But it didn’t really seem to matter.
I didn’t have any suicidal thoughts and I wasn’t really too depressed. It was kinda strange actually to feel that way. It was just a big FUCK YOU at everyone. I didn’t care about anything or anyone anymore. And I wasn’t depressed but I wasn’t happy either.
Now I’m sitting here, a year after one of the most influential relationships of my life. I’m not really sure about what I’m feeling. On the one hand I miss all that I had with her but on the other hand I want to continue my life with someone else. And like life is so fucking funny in a sarcastic way every attempt to continue my life has failed.
Now I don’t really know what to do. I’m living this lonely life with several people telling me that I look good and everything but still there’s nobody that loves me and. I don’t really seem to love anyone else either. But that’s probably because I don’t know from the people that might love that they do. Maybe I just have to change my whole lifestyle.
Hopefully I’ll be better next year…
Awoke around 12 o’clock and moved my ass down the stairs. And call me a freak but it didn’t take 30 minutes for me to find the computer. So I dragged my brother from behind it and looked if there was any mail for me, while I was at that I checked my list of chatpeeps on msn. As I was looking I saw that a pall of me was absent and next to his nick stood that he was gone to his school for a special day where parents of potential new students could go get to meet the school and teachers. Where there are a whole lot of activities to do. And off course a lot of the students which already go there would be there too.
At first I thought that he went to another school but then it came to my mind that a year ago I went to the same thing of the school where we both were. So I asked to another dude on my list if it was the event of the SBC. He confirmed it and immediately I had to think about the past. I thought about it. Why she didn’t let me know anything but it didn’t take long ‘till I knew why. Not so hard to find out but kinda disappointing just because of the past.
One year ago, maybe a little bit longer but it was around the same time. The time when I was still happy. Why I was still happy? Because of her. The same event, we were in love and her parents couldn’t know so we met in secret on that day. Her parents wouldn’t be there and nobody who could snitch either. It was one of those days which will remain locked in my head with the happy memories. It was her that dragged me away from all the pain and misery. Took my mind from the dark thoughts of suicide and the endless circle of agony. Took my mind from all of that and filled it with love for her. I was happy with every day that I knew that she was there for me. I just couldn’t get enough glimpses of her. That was why we met that day. Because it was too hard to miss her for the whole weekend. Damn that distance that lied between us back then.
The day itself was great, it was just the whole afternoon with her. It was at school but the teachers or anyone else couldn’t stop us from walking hand in hand through the buildings where we wandered the rest of the week. It was a nice day, the sun was shining and it was warm enough to walk around in T-shirt. I could write here everything but I’m not going to. Just because it hurts to much to go back and that it wouldn’t interest any of you. Kinda strange if I think about it. Even though it happened a year ago I can still imagine what exactly happened. What we did, what we said and how we said goodbye. The torture of letting her go back to her parents, away from me…
And then times change. I didn’t like it one bit. It looked like the things just changed for the worst. I lost her and I had to go through a horrible time of pain. Slowly I got back to my feet during the holiday and then it all started again. The long silence between me and her was broken. At first things didn’t go so good. The communication didn’t really seem to work but about a week later it went smooth again. I came to hear from her that she actually still loved me. That changed the whole perspective of my life. What did I have to begin with that? It did make me feel better but on the other hand I knew that I would get hurt again. It went ok for awhile but there wasn’t really a relationship. It seemed just to be a mentioning of feelings without anything more. Even though I thought then that it meant something for her, maybe it did but I don’t even dare to ask her. But as I told before I would get hurt again.
It was all strange what happened. Like something from a soap. The problem for her to choose between me and an other guy and stuff like that. Even worse shit than that but every time again it looked like we had overcome it. I always helped her out with advice and help. Even though I didn’t see her at all. It was all done by chatting. And I see what people mean now when they say that the internet is way to impersonal. In one way it’s true. We are more lonely than ever even when we can talk to everybody on the globe. I felt alone even though I knew that there was somebody out there that loved me.
Then one day it happened. I shouldn’t had been so surprised because it had to turn out that way sooner or later. She finally found someone close to her that she loved more than me. There was this huge fight where she had hurt me pretty bad. Not only did she leave me again but the way how she told me was just too much. I had lost everything again. But it didn’t really seem to matter.
I didn’t have any suicidal thoughts and I wasn’t really too depressed. It was kinda strange actually to feel that way. It was just a big FUCK YOU at everyone. I didn’t care about anything or anyone anymore. And I wasn’t depressed but I wasn’t happy either.
Now I’m sitting here, a year after one of the most influential relationships of my life. I’m not really sure about what I’m feeling. On the one hand I miss all that I had with her but on the other hand I want to continue my life with someone else. And like life is so fucking funny in a sarcastic way every attempt to continue my life has failed.
Now I don’t really know what to do. I’m living this lonely life with several people telling me that I look good and everything but still there’s nobody that loves me and. I don’t really seem to love anyone else either. But that’s probably because I don’t know from the people that might love that they do. Maybe I just have to change my whole lifestyle.
Hopefully I’ll be better next year…
Friday, March 15, 2002
Change???
I’ve had an interesting discussion with one of my friends lately. We were just talking about stuff when suddenly we came to a subject which with I’m really familiar with cf.: myself.
She said she had talked with another friend of mine. They both think that I’m a really friendly and cool guy, they even think that I’m kind of cute which rather surprised me. A lot of positive stuff about me but then they came to my deepest personal stuff. My character was thought as being “special”. At first I didn’t really know what to think but as I thought about it, it all became clearer.
She gave me a hint when she told that she and her friend couldn’t start a relationship with me because of my character. And I immediately understood what they meant. What she meant was that one part of me which is most seen lately.
Whenever things start getting bad I get mad at myself, I get carried away with events. When I’m in love with someone and the relationship is going good there’s little that could take me down. You might even say that I feel invulnerable to all the pain or problems from the outside. But once things turn bad there’s this whole change.
I start hating myself and the world around me. Quotes like “Fuck the world”, “Fuck it all”, “I wanna die” and others are heard and read regularly during those periods. I totally feel like shit and the pain kicks in hard. Feel like I’m nobody, that I don’t disserve to live.
Of course I could hide those feelings from the world but I’ve done that for so long that I grew tired of hiding the pain and mask my true identity. I found it was time to step out of the light into the shadows. Try to break that image that society wants everybody to have.
When I still was in high school last year it was obvious to everybody who I was and how I was feeling. If I felt like shit nobody even tried to make me mad or anything. They either left me alone or asked if they could help me. But most of the time they sat and watched in silence. Those times of darkness lasted longer than the times that I was happy but it was all due to circumstances.
Because it was all clear to her last year she knew what to expect when I told her that things weren’t good at all this week. It was that time again… She told me that it would be better if I should change my attitude towards life. Especially when I’m down. She told me that I shouldn’t care too much about the problems and the pain. About the loss of my most loved one. I said to her that what she was asking was to change myself. And she told me that sometimes one HAS to do that. I agreed on that one but I’ve been thinking some more.
If I should change myself, I would be happier and I would care less about shit that happens. Isn’t that what society wants??? To hide the ugly things of life, like using make up to make things more beautiful than they really are. Hiding scars and the hideous creatures that are created by the society itself. I think it’s kind of an absurd view on life. I could change myself but as I think about it, it becomes more appalling to me. I dislike society as it is now and I definitely don’t wanna be part of it.
I know it seems strange, everybody seeks happiness in their lives and so do I but I don’t wanna do it in cost of my own individuality. The blank mass of society is now bigger than it has ever been before and I don’t want that happen to me as well. I don’t wanna be a product of something I despise.
When I look at the youth of today I’m filled with anger for what is happening. All the kids that are blinded and fed with the will and laws of a society that we haven’t been able to choose. Just because we were so “lucky” to be born in it. Maybe it might have it’s advantages but there’s no freedom.
Even freedom of mind is an utopia, in school the subjective views of teachers are been given to the kids and propaganda on television and radio is constantly spread. The commercials corrupt the minds and make people buy shit they will never need to be happy. The urge to own has become greater as the amount of money grows in their wallets.
When someone lives alone there’s a lot of choice. One can buy in the stores 2 sandwiches which have the same price of the six-pack of the same sandwiches. What would he buy then? The 2 sandwiches because that’s all he needs or the six-pack because he has more for the same price. The people of the blank mass would of course buy the six-pack but that’s fucking absurd. A lot of money is thrown away on shit which is absolutely unnecessary.
I know it’s boring to hear this shit again but if all the money that’s wasted everyday were given to good causes like research for diseases or world hunger a lot of misery could be solved. And a lot of other people could be happy. Just as everyone wants to be.
I’d also like to be happy but I don’t need a lot to be really happy. All I want is the love from the one that I love. Maybe one day I’ll find it. Until then I’ll get by by myself. I’m not saying that I won’t be down when the pain strikes but I’ll try to carry on with life. As I have done up to now. Maybe less quotes like “Fuck it all” but still people will know that something’s really wrong.
I hope that this may have released some minds from the blank mass that is called “society”. We got to release the ignorant minds. Awaken the fools that slumber in their own suicide of mind and freedom. Let the persistent choke in their so called pride and money. Because in the end no one that hasn’t felt real pain in their life hasn’t lived at all.
It’s only once you know what it’s like to be hurt like hell that you can experience how wonderful it is to be happy.
Think about it…
She said she had talked with another friend of mine. They both think that I’m a really friendly and cool guy, they even think that I’m kind of cute which rather surprised me. A lot of positive stuff about me but then they came to my deepest personal stuff. My character was thought as being “special”. At first I didn’t really know what to think but as I thought about it, it all became clearer.
She gave me a hint when she told that she and her friend couldn’t start a relationship with me because of my character. And I immediately understood what they meant. What she meant was that one part of me which is most seen lately.
Whenever things start getting bad I get mad at myself, I get carried away with events. When I’m in love with someone and the relationship is going good there’s little that could take me down. You might even say that I feel invulnerable to all the pain or problems from the outside. But once things turn bad there’s this whole change.
I start hating myself and the world around me. Quotes like “Fuck the world”, “Fuck it all”, “I wanna die” and others are heard and read regularly during those periods. I totally feel like shit and the pain kicks in hard. Feel like I’m nobody, that I don’t disserve to live.
Of course I could hide those feelings from the world but I’ve done that for so long that I grew tired of hiding the pain and mask my true identity. I found it was time to step out of the light into the shadows. Try to break that image that society wants everybody to have.
When I still was in high school last year it was obvious to everybody who I was and how I was feeling. If I felt like shit nobody even tried to make me mad or anything. They either left me alone or asked if they could help me. But most of the time they sat and watched in silence. Those times of darkness lasted longer than the times that I was happy but it was all due to circumstances.
Because it was all clear to her last year she knew what to expect when I told her that things weren’t good at all this week. It was that time again… She told me that it would be better if I should change my attitude towards life. Especially when I’m down. She told me that I shouldn’t care too much about the problems and the pain. About the loss of my most loved one. I said to her that what she was asking was to change myself. And she told me that sometimes one HAS to do that. I agreed on that one but I’ve been thinking some more.
If I should change myself, I would be happier and I would care less about shit that happens. Isn’t that what society wants??? To hide the ugly things of life, like using make up to make things more beautiful than they really are. Hiding scars and the hideous creatures that are created by the society itself. I think it’s kind of an absurd view on life. I could change myself but as I think about it, it becomes more appalling to me. I dislike society as it is now and I definitely don’t wanna be part of it.
I know it seems strange, everybody seeks happiness in their lives and so do I but I don’t wanna do it in cost of my own individuality. The blank mass of society is now bigger than it has ever been before and I don’t want that happen to me as well. I don’t wanna be a product of something I despise.
When I look at the youth of today I’m filled with anger for what is happening. All the kids that are blinded and fed with the will and laws of a society that we haven’t been able to choose. Just because we were so “lucky” to be born in it. Maybe it might have it’s advantages but there’s no freedom.
Even freedom of mind is an utopia, in school the subjective views of teachers are been given to the kids and propaganda on television and radio is constantly spread. The commercials corrupt the minds and make people buy shit they will never need to be happy. The urge to own has become greater as the amount of money grows in their wallets.
When someone lives alone there’s a lot of choice. One can buy in the stores 2 sandwiches which have the same price of the six-pack of the same sandwiches. What would he buy then? The 2 sandwiches because that’s all he needs or the six-pack because he has more for the same price. The people of the blank mass would of course buy the six-pack but that’s fucking absurd. A lot of money is thrown away on shit which is absolutely unnecessary.
I know it’s boring to hear this shit again but if all the money that’s wasted everyday were given to good causes like research for diseases or world hunger a lot of misery could be solved. And a lot of other people could be happy. Just as everyone wants to be.
I’d also like to be happy but I don’t need a lot to be really happy. All I want is the love from the one that I love. Maybe one day I’ll find it. Until then I’ll get by by myself. I’m not saying that I won’t be down when the pain strikes but I’ll try to carry on with life. As I have done up to now. Maybe less quotes like “Fuck it all” but still people will know that something’s really wrong.
I hope that this may have released some minds from the blank mass that is called “society”. We got to release the ignorant minds. Awaken the fools that slumber in their own suicide of mind and freedom. Let the persistent choke in their so called pride and money. Because in the end no one that hasn’t felt real pain in their life hasn’t lived at all.
It’s only once you know what it’s like to be hurt like hell that you can experience how wonderful it is to be happy.
Think about it…
Thursday, March 14, 2002
Unanswered Questions
Once more I’m sitting in my room trying to set free the thoughts that haunt me. Some of these thoughts are just questions that are called to my attention because I’ve been reading some chat sessions that I’ve read only a few minutes ago. There still is only one person which I love for now. Even though she kind of banished me out of her life. I just can’t help myself but I can’t stop thinking of her and what have might been wrong. I’m not gonna guess anymore because I’ve got some bad experiences with that but I would really want to ask her that.
When I read all the things we’ve been talking about I go back to those times when we said them. Try to reminisce the concrete situations, what I was feeling and how much I really love her. Over and over again there was only 3 words that kept coming back: “I love you”. It’s wonderful that we had that but it’s easy to see past that, the meaning of those 3 words seem to have faded in time. But to me when I say that I still love her I mean it like the first time I said it to her. That was at school as I remember very well.
If everything now was as simple as it were then. Well my feelings haven’t changed much and if they have changed then it means that I love her now more than I did then.
When I think of this afternoon when I talked to her I noticed that she tried to scare me of intentionally. It was too obvious she even said it straight to my face. I guess that she doesn’t want me to love her anymore because it’s too difficult for her to handle. Of course I might have mistaken her behavior but I wonder why she acted that strange.
My mind is too active these last days. It would be nice if everything would just cool down and become the way they should be. If only we would recognize our love. If she still loves me that is…
When she asked me again to stop loving her this afternoon I wasn’t really surprised. And I guess that she wasn’t really surprised when I said that I couldn’t stop loving her. I’ve known her now for more than a year and I’ve been loving her for about a year now. If I would have stopped loving her I would have known by now. But there’s something when I’m not near her that tells me that something’s wrong. That I need to hear her, that I need to talk to her and see her. And it’s tearing me apart inside, but in my mind I’m sure that it’s worth the waiting. Every time that we would meet would be like perfect, no matter what we would do. Just because we would be together and in the end that’s all I want. I don’t know what she’s feeling right now. If she still loves me or if she doesn’t know yet. What she’s gonna do about the whole situation that I have caused by writing the biggest mistake of my life.
These are only words but I haven’t had the chance to prove them to her. We’ve never actually kissed even though we both longed for the moment to come. But every time there’s something that stops us. A kiss would be perfect to make her feel how I feel about her. But if I could only hold her, that alone would be enough. I see her way to little in real life. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Maybe we should talk about all of this or exchange our opinions about this last week. I think this whole week has been a nightmare. Not only did I lose everything when I lost her, I also found out that it was all my fault and that there was indeed another guy. There’s no way that I could say that I’m sorry even though I would be picking the most beautiful roses for her for the rest of my life. The thorns that would carve in my flesh wouldn’t punish me enough.
I swear to the gods or natural forces that I meant every word of that sentence “I love you” every time I said it. Even now I still mean it from the whole content of my heart. I might be an ugly fucked up liar but I couldn’t lie to her if I say those words…
I love you
When I read all the things we’ve been talking about I go back to those times when we said them. Try to reminisce the concrete situations, what I was feeling and how much I really love her. Over and over again there was only 3 words that kept coming back: “I love you”. It’s wonderful that we had that but it’s easy to see past that, the meaning of those 3 words seem to have faded in time. But to me when I say that I still love her I mean it like the first time I said it to her. That was at school as I remember very well.
If everything now was as simple as it were then. Well my feelings haven’t changed much and if they have changed then it means that I love her now more than I did then.
When I think of this afternoon when I talked to her I noticed that she tried to scare me of intentionally. It was too obvious she even said it straight to my face. I guess that she doesn’t want me to love her anymore because it’s too difficult for her to handle. Of course I might have mistaken her behavior but I wonder why she acted that strange.
My mind is too active these last days. It would be nice if everything would just cool down and become the way they should be. If only we would recognize our love. If she still loves me that is…
When she asked me again to stop loving her this afternoon I wasn’t really surprised. And I guess that she wasn’t really surprised when I said that I couldn’t stop loving her. I’ve known her now for more than a year and I’ve been loving her for about a year now. If I would have stopped loving her I would have known by now. But there’s something when I’m not near her that tells me that something’s wrong. That I need to hear her, that I need to talk to her and see her. And it’s tearing me apart inside, but in my mind I’m sure that it’s worth the waiting. Every time that we would meet would be like perfect, no matter what we would do. Just because we would be together and in the end that’s all I want. I don’t know what she’s feeling right now. If she still loves me or if she doesn’t know yet. What she’s gonna do about the whole situation that I have caused by writing the biggest mistake of my life.
These are only words but I haven’t had the chance to prove them to her. We’ve never actually kissed even though we both longed for the moment to come. But every time there’s something that stops us. A kiss would be perfect to make her feel how I feel about her. But if I could only hold her, that alone would be enough. I see her way to little in real life. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Maybe we should talk about all of this or exchange our opinions about this last week. I think this whole week has been a nightmare. Not only did I lose everything when I lost her, I also found out that it was all my fault and that there was indeed another guy. There’s no way that I could say that I’m sorry even though I would be picking the most beautiful roses for her for the rest of my life. The thorns that would carve in my flesh wouldn’t punish me enough.
I swear to the gods or natural forces that I meant every word of that sentence “I love you” every time I said it. Even now I still mean it from the whole content of my heart. I might be an ugly fucked up liar but I couldn’t lie to her if I say those words…
I love you
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
Fucked Up Eye
I lost everything when I lost the one I loved.
It’s somehow all my fault. Don’t ask me why because I don’t completely understand why this shit happened to me.
When I wrote doubtful mind I had like the best intentions that were possible. I wanted to create something beautiful like the “unwritten letter”. But by writing doubtful mind I somehow got the wrong effect. All I wanted was to express what was on my mind.
I wasn’t happy when I wrote it. I couldn’t have been happy after the moment I found out that the one I love(d) didn’t love me all the time even though she told me that she did.
I was too blind to see and too deaf to hear. Blinded by my stubborn mind which told me there was nobody else who she loved. Deaf because of my mind screaming that I had to look out so that I wouldn’t lose her. But I failed, not only haven’t I noticed that there was in fact another person in her life. A person that might just be more loved than I am (was). But I’ve managed to lose the love she once had for me. I’m not completely sure of that last sentence but after the misunderstanding over doubtful mind I’m pretty sure that I fucked it all up.
It’s strange to realize that after all the shit I’ve done to keep loving her, all the carefully picked words and numerous times that I said I loved her. That only 3 pages of words which were written with good intentions can ruin everything I had accomplished in the past.
The damage is done and it seems there’s no way back. No way to take away all the damage I’ve caused. I’m cursed to be unforgiven, to live life lonely. Why has everything have to be perfect??? Why is it impossible for 2 people to love each other without having to be afraid that something they might say or do might hurt the other. Why is it so hard to find someone that seems to be made especially for you and even if you find that person, why is it impossible to be with her (or him).
Where’s the purity??? Purity of mind and soul, the undefiled being of a person that has yet to be made aware that life is coming to get him (or her).
As I stare at this screen nothingness embraces me. Everything I’ve ever had is gone now, faded right in front of me. One moment everything seemed like going well but the next moment I get my eyes scratched out because I’ve written down what I was thinking for these last months. The cursor’s blinking patiently until I get the inspiration to type. As patiently as I was when I wanted to see her everyday when it was impossible. I was such a FOOL…
None of the days were wasted but the pain I’m experiencing now is all my fault. At least that’s what they tell me.
It’s fucked up to sit here in this skin. For once I don’t feel the urge to kill myself and I know that hating myself won’t work but still there is this emotion of hatred for myself. Because it’s all my fault.
Now I’m sorry for what I’ve done even though other’s say that I have reason to be angry and pissed but I feel like I’ve failed in what I was trying to achieve.
All I ever wanted was to be happy with her. Just us together but it is nothing but an utopia now. I’m doomed to be alone.
I don’t know what to do now. I guess I could use some Prozac but that shit would only kill the brain cells and I don’t like medication anyway, even though it might make me happy.
If I can’t be happy the normal way then I’ll just live a miserable life. I’ll never get used to the pain but it’ll be a part of me until I die anyway so I might as well carry the burden.
I can’t pray to god because I don’t believe he exists but I pray for her that she can forgive me for the fucked up things I’ve done. For I truly love her…
It’s somehow all my fault. Don’t ask me why because I don’t completely understand why this shit happened to me.
When I wrote doubtful mind I had like the best intentions that were possible. I wanted to create something beautiful like the “unwritten letter”. But by writing doubtful mind I somehow got the wrong effect. All I wanted was to express what was on my mind.
I wasn’t happy when I wrote it. I couldn’t have been happy after the moment I found out that the one I love(d) didn’t love me all the time even though she told me that she did.
I was too blind to see and too deaf to hear. Blinded by my stubborn mind which told me there was nobody else who she loved. Deaf because of my mind screaming that I had to look out so that I wouldn’t lose her. But I failed, not only haven’t I noticed that there was in fact another person in her life. A person that might just be more loved than I am (was). But I’ve managed to lose the love she once had for me. I’m not completely sure of that last sentence but after the misunderstanding over doubtful mind I’m pretty sure that I fucked it all up.
It’s strange to realize that after all the shit I’ve done to keep loving her, all the carefully picked words and numerous times that I said I loved her. That only 3 pages of words which were written with good intentions can ruin everything I had accomplished in the past.
The damage is done and it seems there’s no way back. No way to take away all the damage I’ve caused. I’m cursed to be unforgiven, to live life lonely. Why has everything have to be perfect??? Why is it impossible for 2 people to love each other without having to be afraid that something they might say or do might hurt the other. Why is it so hard to find someone that seems to be made especially for you and even if you find that person, why is it impossible to be with her (or him).
Where’s the purity??? Purity of mind and soul, the undefiled being of a person that has yet to be made aware that life is coming to get him (or her).
As I stare at this screen nothingness embraces me. Everything I’ve ever had is gone now, faded right in front of me. One moment everything seemed like going well but the next moment I get my eyes scratched out because I’ve written down what I was thinking for these last months. The cursor’s blinking patiently until I get the inspiration to type. As patiently as I was when I wanted to see her everyday when it was impossible. I was such a FOOL…
None of the days were wasted but the pain I’m experiencing now is all my fault. At least that’s what they tell me.
It’s fucked up to sit here in this skin. For once I don’t feel the urge to kill myself and I know that hating myself won’t work but still there is this emotion of hatred for myself. Because it’s all my fault.
Now I’m sorry for what I’ve done even though other’s say that I have reason to be angry and pissed but I feel like I’ve failed in what I was trying to achieve.
All I ever wanted was to be happy with her. Just us together but it is nothing but an utopia now. I’m doomed to be alone.
I don’t know what to do now. I guess I could use some Prozac but that shit would only kill the brain cells and I don’t like medication anyway, even though it might make me happy.
If I can’t be happy the normal way then I’ll just live a miserable life. I’ll never get used to the pain but it’ll be a part of me until I die anyway so I might as well carry the burden.
I can’t pray to god because I don’t believe he exists but I pray for her that she can forgive me for the fucked up things I’ve done. For I truly love her…
Monday, March 11, 2002
Doubtful Mind
I’ve
been thinking tonight. Not really an remarquable event but important
enough
to write down. Well important enough to me that is. It’s one of those
things that doesn’t make me feel good and the more I think about it the worse
that feeling becomes.
It all started tonight when I had a little chat with a pall of mine. We both
have one thing in common, we know this one girl and she’s special to both of
us. Special in another way for both of us. He sees her as his best friend and
cares very much about her, he wouldn’t want anything bad happen to her.
On the other hand, I love her. Not as a friend or someone I know but really like
someone I would love forever. My love for her was, and still is, unconditional. I
know that it’s something dangerous to say but it’s really like that. There’s no other
person I love or have loved as much as her. I’ve known her for quite awhile
and in that period we’ve been through a lot of shit. Every time when she was
down or if she was in trouble, I have been there for her.
I told her that everything was gonna be ok that I would always be there when she
needed me. That I love her. Pulled her from the hell she got into and brought
her back to this life. A life in which I wanna function as her loved one. The one
guy for her which wants to share everything with her. I still wanna be all of
that but I have experienced nothing but obstacles in my way. The first one
was herself, she had to realize that I was there for her and ready to make
every necessary sacrifice. Then I got across her friends which absolutely
dislike me and want to tear her away from me. Every time I’m with her
when her friends are around it’s like I’m being ignored and every time when I’m
gone they ask why she talked so much with me. Even thought I barely got
the chance to say anything. Another problem is the distance between us.
We life too far away from each other to say that we’ll just come together when we
want to. Another distance represents the schools we each go to, she’s still in
high school while I’m studying at the university. Every single day we go to our
lessons in two different cities about 30 kilometres away from each other.
We could still meet when we would arrange something but her parents can’t
know that I exist. Even when I think of a good excuse it’s not sure if
she will be able or wanting to come. I think the distance is the worst problem of all.
I barely get to see her. If I’m lucky, once in 2 months is a lot. And even when we
talk to each other over the internet it looks too superficial. She’s always busy with five other people so you can’t have a decent conversation. Nowadays I have the feeling that I know almost nothing about her. Everything I hear comes from someone else. I don’t get any mails anymore and if I do get one it’s not longer than 10 sentences.
When something’s wrong she’ll mention the problem itself but she won’t talk
about it. I miss talking with her about everything. There was a time when I told
her everything what was on my mind and she also told me a lot of things
but it seems that’s all fading away and I don’t want that.
Despite of all that I still love her because I know she’s worth it. There were
far more and worse problems than the ones mentioned but the ones mentioned are kinda the most important.
So you see I have been thinking about the past and I also wanted to take a look into the future for me and her but I wasn’t sure what to expect. If it were up to me, we would both finally be happy together without any major problems. But it’s
not my call. And that’s what I realized today. That pall of mine told me
that she had told him that she doesn’t love me all the time. She told him that there where specific moments that she loves me.
I swear, it felt like my heart broke again and my soul had been smashed against the wall. I didn’t want to believe it, I just started crying. I felt like I was being
abused by her, that I was only useful when she needed me. But still deep
down I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t true. I wanted to believe that
she loves me no matter what. But because of the lack of communication
the seed of doubt spreads quickly. I was starting to think about all the possible
times where there could have been signs of her not loving me.
I found that there were some times when she loved me much more than
other times. I also thought about the times when she asked me to stop loving her. All the times when it looked like she didn’t really love me seemed to prove that my pall was right.
Now this is why I wrote these thoughts down. I know that the girl who
I talked about knows that it’s all about her. And I want to ask her if he’s
right. If I’m only something that comes in handy when the time has come.
Deep down I don’t believe the guy, but as I said: the seeds of doubt have been
spread. I know that I still love her but I really need to know. The way
things are going is not healthy. My mind is falling apart and everyone seems
like falling away from me. I feel so empty and yet there’s this chaotic
feeling that storms in me.
I don’t wanna be a puppet in the game of someone else’s hands. I just wanna
live my life and love her while she truly loves me. I’ve lost so much
already. I can’t lose her too.
That’s what has been bothering me. You might say that it’s just nothing, that
I should move on with my life. That’s something that is impossible for
me because of my unconditional love for her. Even now some of you
won’t get it but maybe if you’ll find the one for you, you might just
get what I’m talking about here.
I feel really down now and it’s all the fault of this thinking about one
sentence someone said. This is really fucked up…
to write down. Well important enough to me that is. It’s one of those
things that doesn’t make me feel good and the more I think about it the worse
that feeling becomes.
It all started tonight when I had a little chat with a pall of mine. We both
have one thing in common, we know this one girl and she’s special to both of
us. Special in another way for both of us. He sees her as his best friend and
cares very much about her, he wouldn’t want anything bad happen to her.
On the other hand, I love her. Not as a friend or someone I know but really like
someone I would love forever. My love for her was, and still is, unconditional. I
know that it’s something dangerous to say but it’s really like that. There’s no other
person I love or have loved as much as her. I’ve known her for quite awhile
and in that period we’ve been through a lot of shit. Every time when she was
down or if she was in trouble, I have been there for her.
I told her that everything was gonna be ok that I would always be there when she
needed me. That I love her. Pulled her from the hell she got into and brought
her back to this life. A life in which I wanna function as her loved one. The one
guy for her which wants to share everything with her. I still wanna be all of
that but I have experienced nothing but obstacles in my way. The first one
was herself, she had to realize that I was there for her and ready to make
every necessary sacrifice. Then I got across her friends which absolutely
dislike me and want to tear her away from me. Every time I’m with her
when her friends are around it’s like I’m being ignored and every time when I’m
gone they ask why she talked so much with me. Even thought I barely got
the chance to say anything. Another problem is the distance between us.
We life too far away from each other to say that we’ll just come together when we
want to. Another distance represents the schools we each go to, she’s still in
high school while I’m studying at the university. Every single day we go to our
lessons in two different cities about 30 kilometres away from each other.
We could still meet when we would arrange something but her parents can’t
know that I exist. Even when I think of a good excuse it’s not sure if
she will be able or wanting to come. I think the distance is the worst problem of all.
I barely get to see her. If I’m lucky, once in 2 months is a lot. And even when we
talk to each other over the internet it looks too superficial. She’s always busy with five other people so you can’t have a decent conversation. Nowadays I have the feeling that I know almost nothing about her. Everything I hear comes from someone else. I don’t get any mails anymore and if I do get one it’s not longer than 10 sentences.
When something’s wrong she’ll mention the problem itself but she won’t talk
about it. I miss talking with her about everything. There was a time when I told
her everything what was on my mind and she also told me a lot of things
but it seems that’s all fading away and I don’t want that.
Despite of all that I still love her because I know she’s worth it. There were
far more and worse problems than the ones mentioned but the ones mentioned are kinda the most important.
So you see I have been thinking about the past and I also wanted to take a look into the future for me and her but I wasn’t sure what to expect. If it were up to me, we would both finally be happy together without any major problems. But it’s
not my call. And that’s what I realized today. That pall of mine told me
that she had told him that she doesn’t love me all the time. She told him that there where specific moments that she loves me.
I swear, it felt like my heart broke again and my soul had been smashed against the wall. I didn’t want to believe it, I just started crying. I felt like I was being
abused by her, that I was only useful when she needed me. But still deep
down I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t true. I wanted to believe that
she loves me no matter what. But because of the lack of communication
the seed of doubt spreads quickly. I was starting to think about all the possible
times where there could have been signs of her not loving me.
I found that there were some times when she loved me much more than
other times. I also thought about the times when she asked me to stop loving her. All the times when it looked like she didn’t really love me seemed to prove that my pall was right.
Now this is why I wrote these thoughts down. I know that the girl who
I talked about knows that it’s all about her. And I want to ask her if he’s
right. If I’m only something that comes in handy when the time has come.
Deep down I don’t believe the guy, but as I said: the seeds of doubt have been
spread. I know that I still love her but I really need to know. The way
things are going is not healthy. My mind is falling apart and everyone seems
like falling away from me. I feel so empty and yet there’s this chaotic
feeling that storms in me.
I don’t wanna be a puppet in the game of someone else’s hands. I just wanna
live my life and love her while she truly loves me. I’ve lost so much
already. I can’t lose her too.
That’s what has been bothering me. You might say that it’s just nothing, that
I should move on with my life. That’s something that is impossible for
me because of my unconditional love for her. Even now some of you
won’t get it but maybe if you’ll find the one for you, you might just
get what I’m talking about here.
I feel really down now and it’s all the fault of this thinking about one
sentence someone said. This is really fucked up…
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