I’ve had an interesting discussion with one of my friends lately. We were just talking about stuff when suddenly we came to a subject which with I’m really familiar with cf.: myself.
She said she had talked with another friend of mine. They both think that I’m a really friendly and cool guy, they even think that I’m kind of cute which rather surprised me. A lot of positive stuff about me but then they came to my deepest personal stuff. My character was thought as being “special”. At first I didn’t really know what to think but as I thought about it, it all became clearer.
She gave me a hint when she told that she and her friend couldn’t start a relationship with me because of my character. And I immediately understood what they meant. What she meant was that one part of me which is most seen lately.
Whenever things start getting bad I get mad at myself, I get carried away with events. When I’m in love with someone and the relationship is going good there’s little that could take me down. You might even say that I feel invulnerable to all the pain or problems from the outside. But once things turn bad there’s this whole change.
I start hating myself and the world around me. Quotes like “Fuck the world”, “Fuck it all”, “I wanna die” and others are heard and read regularly during those periods. I totally feel like shit and the pain kicks in hard. Feel like I’m nobody, that I don’t disserve to live.
Of course I could hide those feelings from the world but I’ve done that for so long that I grew tired of hiding the pain and mask my true identity. I found it was time to step out of the light into the shadows. Try to break that image that society wants everybody to have.
When I still was in high school last year it was obvious to everybody who I was and how I was feeling. If I felt like shit nobody even tried to make me mad or anything. They either left me alone or asked if they could help me. But most of the time they sat and watched in silence. Those times of darkness lasted longer than the times that I was happy but it was all due to circumstances.
Because it was all clear to her last year she knew what to expect when I told her that things weren’t good at all this week. It was that time again… She told me that it would be better if I should change my attitude towards life. Especially when I’m down. She told me that I shouldn’t care too much about the problems and the pain. About the loss of my most loved one. I said to her that what she was asking was to change myself. And she told me that sometimes one HAS to do that. I agreed on that one but I’ve been thinking some more.
If I should change myself, I would be happier and I would care less about shit that happens. Isn’t that what society wants??? To hide the ugly things of life, like using make up to make things more beautiful than they really are. Hiding scars and the hideous creatures that are created by the society itself. I think it’s kind of an absurd view on life. I could change myself but as I think about it, it becomes more appalling to me. I dislike society as it is now and I definitely don’t wanna be part of it.
I know it seems strange, everybody seeks happiness in their lives and so do I but I don’t wanna do it in cost of my own individuality. The blank mass of society is now bigger than it has ever been before and I don’t want that happen to me as well. I don’t wanna be a product of something I despise.
When I look at the youth of today I’m filled with anger for what is happening. All the kids that are blinded and fed with the will and laws of a society that we haven’t been able to choose. Just because we were so “lucky” to be born in it. Maybe it might have it’s advantages but there’s no freedom.
Even freedom of mind is an utopia, in school the subjective views of teachers are been given to the kids and propaganda on television and radio is constantly spread. The commercials corrupt the minds and make people buy shit they will never need to be happy. The urge to own has become greater as the amount of money grows in their wallets.
When someone lives alone there’s a lot of choice. One can buy in the stores 2 sandwiches which have the same price of the six-pack of the same sandwiches. What would he buy then? The 2 sandwiches because that’s all he needs or the six-pack because he has more for the same price. The people of the blank mass would of course buy the six-pack but that’s fucking absurd. A lot of money is thrown away on shit which is absolutely unnecessary.
I know it’s boring to hear this shit again but if all the money that’s wasted everyday were given to good causes like research for diseases or world hunger a lot of misery could be solved. And a lot of other people could be happy. Just as everyone wants to be.
I’d also like to be happy but I don’t need a lot to be really happy. All I want is the love from the one that I love. Maybe one day I’ll find it. Until then I’ll get by by myself. I’m not saying that I won’t be down when the pain strikes but I’ll try to carry on with life. As I have done up to now. Maybe less quotes like “Fuck it all” but still people will know that something’s really wrong.
I hope that this may have released some minds from the blank mass that is called “society”. We got to release the ignorant minds. Awaken the fools that slumber in their own suicide of mind and freedom. Let the persistent choke in their so called pride and money. Because in the end no one that hasn’t felt real pain in their life hasn’t lived at all.
It’s only once you know what it’s like to be hurt like hell that you can experience how wonderful it is to be happy.
Think about it…
Friday, March 15, 2002
Thursday, March 14, 2002
Unanswered Questions
Once more I’m sitting in my room trying to set free the thoughts that haunt me. Some of these thoughts are just questions that are called to my attention because I’ve been reading some chat sessions that I’ve read only a few minutes ago. There still is only one person which I love for now. Even though she kind of banished me out of her life. I just can’t help myself but I can’t stop thinking of her and what have might been wrong. I’m not gonna guess anymore because I’ve got some bad experiences with that but I would really want to ask her that.
When I read all the things we’ve been talking about I go back to those times when we said them. Try to reminisce the concrete situations, what I was feeling and how much I really love her. Over and over again there was only 3 words that kept coming back: “I love you”. It’s wonderful that we had that but it’s easy to see past that, the meaning of those 3 words seem to have faded in time. But to me when I say that I still love her I mean it like the first time I said it to her. That was at school as I remember very well.
If everything now was as simple as it were then. Well my feelings haven’t changed much and if they have changed then it means that I love her now more than I did then.
When I think of this afternoon when I talked to her I noticed that she tried to scare me of intentionally. It was too obvious she even said it straight to my face. I guess that she doesn’t want me to love her anymore because it’s too difficult for her to handle. Of course I might have mistaken her behavior but I wonder why she acted that strange.
My mind is too active these last days. It would be nice if everything would just cool down and become the way they should be. If only we would recognize our love. If she still loves me that is…
When she asked me again to stop loving her this afternoon I wasn’t really surprised. And I guess that she wasn’t really surprised when I said that I couldn’t stop loving her. I’ve known her now for more than a year and I’ve been loving her for about a year now. If I would have stopped loving her I would have known by now. But there’s something when I’m not near her that tells me that something’s wrong. That I need to hear her, that I need to talk to her and see her. And it’s tearing me apart inside, but in my mind I’m sure that it’s worth the waiting. Every time that we would meet would be like perfect, no matter what we would do. Just because we would be together and in the end that’s all I want. I don’t know what she’s feeling right now. If she still loves me or if she doesn’t know yet. What she’s gonna do about the whole situation that I have caused by writing the biggest mistake of my life.
These are only words but I haven’t had the chance to prove them to her. We’ve never actually kissed even though we both longed for the moment to come. But every time there’s something that stops us. A kiss would be perfect to make her feel how I feel about her. But if I could only hold her, that alone would be enough. I see her way to little in real life. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Maybe we should talk about all of this or exchange our opinions about this last week. I think this whole week has been a nightmare. Not only did I lose everything when I lost her, I also found out that it was all my fault and that there was indeed another guy. There’s no way that I could say that I’m sorry even though I would be picking the most beautiful roses for her for the rest of my life. The thorns that would carve in my flesh wouldn’t punish me enough.
I swear to the gods or natural forces that I meant every word of that sentence “I love you” every time I said it. Even now I still mean it from the whole content of my heart. I might be an ugly fucked up liar but I couldn’t lie to her if I say those words…
I love you
When I read all the things we’ve been talking about I go back to those times when we said them. Try to reminisce the concrete situations, what I was feeling and how much I really love her. Over and over again there was only 3 words that kept coming back: “I love you”. It’s wonderful that we had that but it’s easy to see past that, the meaning of those 3 words seem to have faded in time. But to me when I say that I still love her I mean it like the first time I said it to her. That was at school as I remember very well.
If everything now was as simple as it were then. Well my feelings haven’t changed much and if they have changed then it means that I love her now more than I did then.
When I think of this afternoon when I talked to her I noticed that she tried to scare me of intentionally. It was too obvious she even said it straight to my face. I guess that she doesn’t want me to love her anymore because it’s too difficult for her to handle. Of course I might have mistaken her behavior but I wonder why she acted that strange.
My mind is too active these last days. It would be nice if everything would just cool down and become the way they should be. If only we would recognize our love. If she still loves me that is…
When she asked me again to stop loving her this afternoon I wasn’t really surprised. And I guess that she wasn’t really surprised when I said that I couldn’t stop loving her. I’ve known her now for more than a year and I’ve been loving her for about a year now. If I would have stopped loving her I would have known by now. But there’s something when I’m not near her that tells me that something’s wrong. That I need to hear her, that I need to talk to her and see her. And it’s tearing me apart inside, but in my mind I’m sure that it’s worth the waiting. Every time that we would meet would be like perfect, no matter what we would do. Just because we would be together and in the end that’s all I want. I don’t know what she’s feeling right now. If she still loves me or if she doesn’t know yet. What she’s gonna do about the whole situation that I have caused by writing the biggest mistake of my life.
These are only words but I haven’t had the chance to prove them to her. We’ve never actually kissed even though we both longed for the moment to come. But every time there’s something that stops us. A kiss would be perfect to make her feel how I feel about her. But if I could only hold her, that alone would be enough. I see her way to little in real life. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Maybe we should talk about all of this or exchange our opinions about this last week. I think this whole week has been a nightmare. Not only did I lose everything when I lost her, I also found out that it was all my fault and that there was indeed another guy. There’s no way that I could say that I’m sorry even though I would be picking the most beautiful roses for her for the rest of my life. The thorns that would carve in my flesh wouldn’t punish me enough.
I swear to the gods or natural forces that I meant every word of that sentence “I love you” every time I said it. Even now I still mean it from the whole content of my heart. I might be an ugly fucked up liar but I couldn’t lie to her if I say those words…
I love you
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
Fucked Up Eye
I lost everything when I lost the one I loved.
It’s somehow all my fault. Don’t ask me why because I don’t completely understand why this shit happened to me.
When I wrote doubtful mind I had like the best intentions that were possible. I wanted to create something beautiful like the “unwritten letter”. But by writing doubtful mind I somehow got the wrong effect. All I wanted was to express what was on my mind.
I wasn’t happy when I wrote it. I couldn’t have been happy after the moment I found out that the one I love(d) didn’t love me all the time even though she told me that she did.
I was too blind to see and too deaf to hear. Blinded by my stubborn mind which told me there was nobody else who she loved. Deaf because of my mind screaming that I had to look out so that I wouldn’t lose her. But I failed, not only haven’t I noticed that there was in fact another person in her life. A person that might just be more loved than I am (was). But I’ve managed to lose the love she once had for me. I’m not completely sure of that last sentence but after the misunderstanding over doubtful mind I’m pretty sure that I fucked it all up.
It’s strange to realize that after all the shit I’ve done to keep loving her, all the carefully picked words and numerous times that I said I loved her. That only 3 pages of words which were written with good intentions can ruin everything I had accomplished in the past.
The damage is done and it seems there’s no way back. No way to take away all the damage I’ve caused. I’m cursed to be unforgiven, to live life lonely. Why has everything have to be perfect??? Why is it impossible for 2 people to love each other without having to be afraid that something they might say or do might hurt the other. Why is it so hard to find someone that seems to be made especially for you and even if you find that person, why is it impossible to be with her (or him).
Where’s the purity??? Purity of mind and soul, the undefiled being of a person that has yet to be made aware that life is coming to get him (or her).
As I stare at this screen nothingness embraces me. Everything I’ve ever had is gone now, faded right in front of me. One moment everything seemed like going well but the next moment I get my eyes scratched out because I’ve written down what I was thinking for these last months. The cursor’s blinking patiently until I get the inspiration to type. As patiently as I was when I wanted to see her everyday when it was impossible. I was such a FOOL…
None of the days were wasted but the pain I’m experiencing now is all my fault. At least that’s what they tell me.
It’s fucked up to sit here in this skin. For once I don’t feel the urge to kill myself and I know that hating myself won’t work but still there is this emotion of hatred for myself. Because it’s all my fault.
Now I’m sorry for what I’ve done even though other’s say that I have reason to be angry and pissed but I feel like I’ve failed in what I was trying to achieve.
All I ever wanted was to be happy with her. Just us together but it is nothing but an utopia now. I’m doomed to be alone.
I don’t know what to do now. I guess I could use some Prozac but that shit would only kill the brain cells and I don’t like medication anyway, even though it might make me happy.
If I can’t be happy the normal way then I’ll just live a miserable life. I’ll never get used to the pain but it’ll be a part of me until I die anyway so I might as well carry the burden.
I can’t pray to god because I don’t believe he exists but I pray for her that she can forgive me for the fucked up things I’ve done. For I truly love her…
It’s somehow all my fault. Don’t ask me why because I don’t completely understand why this shit happened to me.
When I wrote doubtful mind I had like the best intentions that were possible. I wanted to create something beautiful like the “unwritten letter”. But by writing doubtful mind I somehow got the wrong effect. All I wanted was to express what was on my mind.
I wasn’t happy when I wrote it. I couldn’t have been happy after the moment I found out that the one I love(d) didn’t love me all the time even though she told me that she did.
I was too blind to see and too deaf to hear. Blinded by my stubborn mind which told me there was nobody else who she loved. Deaf because of my mind screaming that I had to look out so that I wouldn’t lose her. But I failed, not only haven’t I noticed that there was in fact another person in her life. A person that might just be more loved than I am (was). But I’ve managed to lose the love she once had for me. I’m not completely sure of that last sentence but after the misunderstanding over doubtful mind I’m pretty sure that I fucked it all up.
It’s strange to realize that after all the shit I’ve done to keep loving her, all the carefully picked words and numerous times that I said I loved her. That only 3 pages of words which were written with good intentions can ruin everything I had accomplished in the past.
The damage is done and it seems there’s no way back. No way to take away all the damage I’ve caused. I’m cursed to be unforgiven, to live life lonely. Why has everything have to be perfect??? Why is it impossible for 2 people to love each other without having to be afraid that something they might say or do might hurt the other. Why is it so hard to find someone that seems to be made especially for you and even if you find that person, why is it impossible to be with her (or him).
Where’s the purity??? Purity of mind and soul, the undefiled being of a person that has yet to be made aware that life is coming to get him (or her).
As I stare at this screen nothingness embraces me. Everything I’ve ever had is gone now, faded right in front of me. One moment everything seemed like going well but the next moment I get my eyes scratched out because I’ve written down what I was thinking for these last months. The cursor’s blinking patiently until I get the inspiration to type. As patiently as I was when I wanted to see her everyday when it was impossible. I was such a FOOL…
None of the days were wasted but the pain I’m experiencing now is all my fault. At least that’s what they tell me.
It’s fucked up to sit here in this skin. For once I don’t feel the urge to kill myself and I know that hating myself won’t work but still there is this emotion of hatred for myself. Because it’s all my fault.
Now I’m sorry for what I’ve done even though other’s say that I have reason to be angry and pissed but I feel like I’ve failed in what I was trying to achieve.
All I ever wanted was to be happy with her. Just us together but it is nothing but an utopia now. I’m doomed to be alone.
I don’t know what to do now. I guess I could use some Prozac but that shit would only kill the brain cells and I don’t like medication anyway, even though it might make me happy.
If I can’t be happy the normal way then I’ll just live a miserable life. I’ll never get used to the pain but it’ll be a part of me until I die anyway so I might as well carry the burden.
I can’t pray to god because I don’t believe he exists but I pray for her that she can forgive me for the fucked up things I’ve done. For I truly love her…
Monday, March 11, 2002
Doubtful Mind
I’ve
been thinking tonight. Not really an remarquable event but important
enough
to write down. Well important enough to me that is. It’s one of those
things that doesn’t make me feel good and the more I think about it the worse
that feeling becomes.
It all started tonight when I had a little chat with a pall of mine. We both
have one thing in common, we know this one girl and she’s special to both of
us. Special in another way for both of us. He sees her as his best friend and
cares very much about her, he wouldn’t want anything bad happen to her.
On the other hand, I love her. Not as a friend or someone I know but really like
someone I would love forever. My love for her was, and still is, unconditional. I
know that it’s something dangerous to say but it’s really like that. There’s no other
person I love or have loved as much as her. I’ve known her for quite awhile
and in that period we’ve been through a lot of shit. Every time when she was
down or if she was in trouble, I have been there for her.
I told her that everything was gonna be ok that I would always be there when she
needed me. That I love her. Pulled her from the hell she got into and brought
her back to this life. A life in which I wanna function as her loved one. The one
guy for her which wants to share everything with her. I still wanna be all of
that but I have experienced nothing but obstacles in my way. The first one
was herself, she had to realize that I was there for her and ready to make
every necessary sacrifice. Then I got across her friends which absolutely
dislike me and want to tear her away from me. Every time I’m with her
when her friends are around it’s like I’m being ignored and every time when I’m
gone they ask why she talked so much with me. Even thought I barely got
the chance to say anything. Another problem is the distance between us.
We life too far away from each other to say that we’ll just come together when we
want to. Another distance represents the schools we each go to, she’s still in
high school while I’m studying at the university. Every single day we go to our
lessons in two different cities about 30 kilometres away from each other.
We could still meet when we would arrange something but her parents can’t
know that I exist. Even when I think of a good excuse it’s not sure if
she will be able or wanting to come. I think the distance is the worst problem of all.
I barely get to see her. If I’m lucky, once in 2 months is a lot. And even when we
talk to each other over the internet it looks too superficial. She’s always busy with five other people so you can’t have a decent conversation. Nowadays I have the feeling that I know almost nothing about her. Everything I hear comes from someone else. I don’t get any mails anymore and if I do get one it’s not longer than 10 sentences.
When something’s wrong she’ll mention the problem itself but she won’t talk
about it. I miss talking with her about everything. There was a time when I told
her everything what was on my mind and she also told me a lot of things
but it seems that’s all fading away and I don’t want that.
Despite of all that I still love her because I know she’s worth it. There were
far more and worse problems than the ones mentioned but the ones mentioned are kinda the most important.
So you see I have been thinking about the past and I also wanted to take a look into the future for me and her but I wasn’t sure what to expect. If it were up to me, we would both finally be happy together without any major problems. But it’s
not my call. And that’s what I realized today. That pall of mine told me
that she had told him that she doesn’t love me all the time. She told him that there where specific moments that she loves me.
I swear, it felt like my heart broke again and my soul had been smashed against the wall. I didn’t want to believe it, I just started crying. I felt like I was being
abused by her, that I was only useful when she needed me. But still deep
down I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t true. I wanted to believe that
she loves me no matter what. But because of the lack of communication
the seed of doubt spreads quickly. I was starting to think about all the possible
times where there could have been signs of her not loving me.
I found that there were some times when she loved me much more than
other times. I also thought about the times when she asked me to stop loving her. All the times when it looked like she didn’t really love me seemed to prove that my pall was right.
Now this is why I wrote these thoughts down. I know that the girl who
I talked about knows that it’s all about her. And I want to ask her if he’s
right. If I’m only something that comes in handy when the time has come.
Deep down I don’t believe the guy, but as I said: the seeds of doubt have been
spread. I know that I still love her but I really need to know. The way
things are going is not healthy. My mind is falling apart and everyone seems
like falling away from me. I feel so empty and yet there’s this chaotic
feeling that storms in me.
I don’t wanna be a puppet in the game of someone else’s hands. I just wanna
live my life and love her while she truly loves me. I’ve lost so much
already. I can’t lose her too.
That’s what has been bothering me. You might say that it’s just nothing, that
I should move on with my life. That’s something that is impossible for
me because of my unconditional love for her. Even now some of you
won’t get it but maybe if you’ll find the one for you, you might just
get what I’m talking about here.
I feel really down now and it’s all the fault of this thinking about one
sentence someone said. This is really fucked up…
to write down. Well important enough to me that is. It’s one of those
things that doesn’t make me feel good and the more I think about it the worse
that feeling becomes.
It all started tonight when I had a little chat with a pall of mine. We both
have one thing in common, we know this one girl and she’s special to both of
us. Special in another way for both of us. He sees her as his best friend and
cares very much about her, he wouldn’t want anything bad happen to her.
On the other hand, I love her. Not as a friend or someone I know but really like
someone I would love forever. My love for her was, and still is, unconditional. I
know that it’s something dangerous to say but it’s really like that. There’s no other
person I love or have loved as much as her. I’ve known her for quite awhile
and in that period we’ve been through a lot of shit. Every time when she was
down or if she was in trouble, I have been there for her.
I told her that everything was gonna be ok that I would always be there when she
needed me. That I love her. Pulled her from the hell she got into and brought
her back to this life. A life in which I wanna function as her loved one. The one
guy for her which wants to share everything with her. I still wanna be all of
that but I have experienced nothing but obstacles in my way. The first one
was herself, she had to realize that I was there for her and ready to make
every necessary sacrifice. Then I got across her friends which absolutely
dislike me and want to tear her away from me. Every time I’m with her
when her friends are around it’s like I’m being ignored and every time when I’m
gone they ask why she talked so much with me. Even thought I barely got
the chance to say anything. Another problem is the distance between us.
We life too far away from each other to say that we’ll just come together when we
want to. Another distance represents the schools we each go to, she’s still in
high school while I’m studying at the university. Every single day we go to our
lessons in two different cities about 30 kilometres away from each other.
We could still meet when we would arrange something but her parents can’t
know that I exist. Even when I think of a good excuse it’s not sure if
she will be able or wanting to come. I think the distance is the worst problem of all.
I barely get to see her. If I’m lucky, once in 2 months is a lot. And even when we
talk to each other over the internet it looks too superficial. She’s always busy with five other people so you can’t have a decent conversation. Nowadays I have the feeling that I know almost nothing about her. Everything I hear comes from someone else. I don’t get any mails anymore and if I do get one it’s not longer than 10 sentences.
When something’s wrong she’ll mention the problem itself but she won’t talk
about it. I miss talking with her about everything. There was a time when I told
her everything what was on my mind and she also told me a lot of things
but it seems that’s all fading away and I don’t want that.
Despite of all that I still love her because I know she’s worth it. There were
far more and worse problems than the ones mentioned but the ones mentioned are kinda the most important.
So you see I have been thinking about the past and I also wanted to take a look into the future for me and her but I wasn’t sure what to expect. If it were up to me, we would both finally be happy together without any major problems. But it’s
not my call. And that’s what I realized today. That pall of mine told me
that she had told him that she doesn’t love me all the time. She told him that there where specific moments that she loves me.
I swear, it felt like my heart broke again and my soul had been smashed against the wall. I didn’t want to believe it, I just started crying. I felt like I was being
abused by her, that I was only useful when she needed me. But still deep
down I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t true. I wanted to believe that
she loves me no matter what. But because of the lack of communication
the seed of doubt spreads quickly. I was starting to think about all the possible
times where there could have been signs of her not loving me.
I found that there were some times when she loved me much more than
other times. I also thought about the times when she asked me to stop loving her. All the times when it looked like she didn’t really love me seemed to prove that my pall was right.
Now this is why I wrote these thoughts down. I know that the girl who
I talked about knows that it’s all about her. And I want to ask her if he’s
right. If I’m only something that comes in handy when the time has come.
Deep down I don’t believe the guy, but as I said: the seeds of doubt have been
spread. I know that I still love her but I really need to know. The way
things are going is not healthy. My mind is falling apart and everyone seems
like falling away from me. I feel so empty and yet there’s this chaotic
feeling that storms in me.
I don’t wanna be a puppet in the game of someone else’s hands. I just wanna
live my life and love her while she truly loves me. I’ve lost so much
already. I can’t lose her too.
That’s what has been bothering me. You might say that it’s just nothing, that
I should move on with my life. That’s something that is impossible for
me because of my unconditional love for her. Even now some of you
won’t get it but maybe if you’ll find the one for you, you might just
get what I’m talking about here.
I feel really down now and it’s all the fault of this thinking about one
sentence someone said. This is really fucked up…
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