Wondering

I’m still wondering why my life is so fucking bad…
I thought that maybe things were changing for the better lately. I felt so alive when I was talking with her and telling her very personal stuff.
But now the same question is bleeding on my arm once more: WHY. It feels like something indescribable. The stinging pain is present in the shallow cuts and the blood slowly comes out marking that one word. Call me crazy or insane but you’ll never understand why I’m doing this. A catharsis like I wrote in Pain isn’t enough, it liberated my thoughts but it didn’t change the pain that I felt in my heart. The physical pain that I feel now makes me come back to reality. It takes my mind off the things that hurt me mentally. Now I see that not everything is completely lost even though my mind tells me that I’ll never be happy. That I won’t stand a chance with her, even though I love her that much.
I wish that I had known this all earlier. But it wouldn’t have helped a lot, I still would love her as much as I do now. I’ve only known her for like 2 weeks but it doesn’t matter to me. She knows so much about me and I’m intrigued by her personality. All the similarities that we have in common, all the pain which we went through which was exactly the same. The same state of mind in a different person. A person that is so beautiful but doesn’t know it, or just doesn’t want to believe it. So closed in her own little world without anyone with who she feels completely at peace. Which understands her and supports her. Someone who would be there to hold her while she needs to let her emotions go. No one to be around her and make her feel loved without a word being said. Nobody who’s there every time that she needs them.
She’s searching for something that’s right in front of her but still there’s a problem. There are several possibilities. Most of us don’t have a choice in life and those people don’t know how lucky they are. There’s nothing more difficult than to choose between 2 people for whom someone has feelings. So damn frustrating, knowing that one of the two will be disappointed. The one will be happy while the other might be not so happy with the result. Or maybe so unhappy that he just breaks down completely. Wondering why he’s beaten down to the ground again. Nice guys finish last…
It’s hard to make a choice, it’s even harder to let one fall. It doesn’t matter who falls, it’s always hard. Especially when you had feelings for that person. What if I was the one who fell. Once more like I’ve been dropped down the steep ledge to crash down in the dirt. I would be more than devastated, considering that this is the very first time that I learned to love someone this intense on such a short notice. Yes, I would be totally broken. Restart from somewhere far below Zero because my self-image and feelings would be annihilated.
I wish I didn’t have to suffer like this. That she wouldn’t have to make a choice. For once no problems at all, but unfortunately things didn’t turn out to be that way.
Sometimes I wished that I wouldn’t feel love or mental pain at all. Just something like hate so that I could survive in this society. Something like vegeta must be, a cold rock which only takes care of himself. But then I would never experience love. And I would be alone for all eternity because nobody would like me. Even now people don’t really like me just because they don’t really know who I am. Why must I live life lonely?
Why do I live anyway? What will become of me? Where will all of this end???
Can somebody tell me???