Omg

I’ve never felt like this. I’ve never cried like this.
This really scares me. I’m so afraid. So very fucking afraid.
I just sit here speechless, my mind filled with fear. I can’t think of anyone but her.
I just got out of my bed where I did nothing but cry, I couldn’t get to pull myself together. It was so strange, it felt so weird. But most of all it felt wrong to see her like that, when she sat there with her back at me crying not letting me help to dry the tears. To make her feel better. I wish I could say that everything’s better now, that everything is back to normal. I wish everything would be good and pain and sadness would be no more…
I feel so guilty that I didn’t hold her when she was crying. I wanted to but she wouldn’t let me. She said she loved me too much and I have to say that she’s right. I don’t deserve to be loved by her. I love her as much as she loves me but she does deserve it. Damn, I should take a break because I can’t see clear because of the tears… She suffers every time that she has to leave me as I suffer as well. Every day without her that passes I think of her all the time. Every time my mind drifts on her. I think of her like she’s the only thing in my life which gives meaning to it. That’s just because it’s like that. Whatever I do she’s there doing it with me, wherever I go she goes with me. It hurts when she’s not with me but I’m willing to take the pain for her. Because she makes it all worth while. When something’s bothering me or when I’m really hurt by something that happened she’s the one that makes it all seem ok by just hugging me. She doesn’t have to say a word to make me feel better. Her presence is all that’s necessary to make me forget about the rest. I couldn’t see to go on without her. I know that she would never want to let me fall but she’s suffering so hard because of me. Now I’m afraid that she won’t be able to take the pain any longer and that she would let me fall unintentionally. The fear that I feel is just overwhelming. I’d go to the end of the world and back for her. Absolutely nothing would stop me from making her happy, but now it seems that there’s a problem that can’t be totally solved for us at this specific moment. There’s a solution but it’s out of reach for now. If only we could be together all the time. Sharing our lives in a single home where we would be happy and wouldn’t have to worry about when we have to leave or when our parents are coming to pick us up. But that’s not yet possible, it’s something I regret. There’s nothing that I would rather like that to share my life with her. But for now there’s still a little distance between our lives. Luckily it’s a distance that isn’t too big. It’s still possible to go and stay with her whenever we would like it, but there’s still the duty of study that occupies us both. Nonetheless I’m with her whenever I want to, whenever the possibility comes I take it. Even if it means that I have to let drop everything still I would go to be with her. I can’t think of anyone that disserves more to be happy than her.
I want to make her happy but once more it seems like I can’t cut it. As long as I can’t be with her 24/7 or more there will be this pain that’s caused by the separation. It’s another one of life’s’ tests, a test that we must pass in order to reach our happiness. If we fail on this one we might lose all we already have and everything that we could have had in the future. It’s not just a matter of things we have, but our very lives depend on it. Damn, the nerves in my eyes are dyed red while the tears still stand… I know I’ll never give up on her. I love her to the very end of everything. May the powers that be give her power to keep going and never give up on this beautiful love that we are lucky to call ours.
I love you Lily, hope you’ll find inner peace so that we can be together forever
Miss you