There was a time when I was happy, and by that I mean really happy. It was when I was just a k|d, a little guy that didn’t know anything of life. Everyday was the same, simplicity was the game I played. It was fun to live and go to school every day, where all your friends were. Where you just played soccer every break, where you always had fun. ALWAYS… It didn’t matter what weather it was. It didn’t matter what happened in the real world out there. We were protected by our ignorance. Ignorance kept us happy.
Now I know that the whole world is based on pain. Nothing’s real but pain. Everyday I experience it again. I’m not blind anymore, I see it all around me. Places I have never heard of before are mentioned in the news with stories about the suffering people. Confronted with the thing that keeps the globe going. The pain is surrounding us everyday. You just have to open your eyes to see it. The small signs tell stories of agony and misery. Every morning someone wakes up and wishes he didn’t live. Someone gets up and tries to forget himself by taking some pills. People erase themselves from the very lives they're living. Others mutilate themselves and leave scars which will never be forgotten. Scars in their flesh but also in their mind. Nobody likes it when the truth is said. Everybody thinks pain isn’t present all around us, they think it’s just something that happens somewhere else with only a few strange people for whom they don’t feel sympathy. Small pain can lead to suicide. It happens more often then you think. People who can’t stand to live with the things which they have been through. Ashamed to go on like they’re doing, ashamed of something that other people don’t know. In their silence they are oppressed by the pain which is hidden to the people around. Most people won’t notice it as long as they can keep their mouth shut. But those situations are unbearable, sooner or later something will snap. When it does another body can be buried in the dirt where we all will end up. Leaving the others in question, nobody knows why they took their own lives. But when they do know they feel worse than when they wouldn’t have known. Ignorance is bliss.
It’s so strange how the smallest problems can have such an impact on persons. A simple remark can destroy lives. Everybody reacts different on things that happen to them. The one is weaker than the other and can’t stand as much punishment as life gives us all. One will smile it away while the other is weeping in a corner away from others to see. Most of the times the solution to their problems isn’t so big and the solutions are quite simple but they can’t really seem to find it. Some of them cry for help. And when they get it everything is fine. It’s ridiculous that some people don’t seem to know how to solve their own shit they got themselves in.
And then there are the people who blame themselves in everything they fail while it’s not always like that. It’s easy to blame oneself instead of having to point a finger. When you point your finger to someone you think that got you the problems you have to change your whole attitude towards that person but in some cases that person is someone who they care about. So they blame themselves and think that the problem will be solved pretty quickly like that. Nothing is further from the truth. The more one blames himself, the worse they will feel as they continue doing it. It’s not good even though it’s the easy way out.
Conflicts within oneself is always something that creates an certain amount of pain. When one isn’t happy with himself it’s only a small step to start comparing to other people. And when one like that starts comparing with standards in this fucked society there’s no way that he or she will feel better by him- or herself. Everywhere around us are role-models of something that almost nobody can achieve. Media try to make people think that they can buy happiness by using that product or living that lifestyle. Subsequently people start to believe it, as long that the message is repeated over and over again, people will fall for the trap. It’s not pretty to see but even society tries to make us believe that it’s not to bad to live our lives the way that we do. Consuming what is unnecessary and buying total worthless shit. But does it make us happy? Will it make everything better when you lost somebody? Will it replace love that faded a long time ago? Is ignorance really bliss???
It’s painful just to come to find that my whole life is a lie. Always making people believe that I’m the happy guy on the block. That nothing can make me cry. Solid like a rock, trustful as nobody else and always ready to help somebody out. Even a rock can split, trust isn’t always easy to remain and sometimes even I don’t know what to do. I’m not perfect and I never will be. I’m not happy and it doesn’t seem like I’ll be happy ever again. Pain seems to come but never leave. It just keeps on coming while I try to get rid of the pain that I feel. I can’t be the ever happy guy which everyone can call when they need it. I hate myself for living the way that I do now. I try so hard to be happy but it’s not working out. There’s always something in the way. If it’s not a very close friend that is in deep shit for whom I feel bad than it’s something completely else. Why is it that I can’t find love? What is it that makes me so fucking ugly…
It’s so fucking frustrating. Seeing life laughing in my fucking face while I’m on my knees. I’m not giving in though. A big fuck you keeps me in reality. Everyday again I tell myself to fuck off while I feel the need to contemplate suicide. No place for that in my mind. It just makes me worse than I am already and I’m not ready to take the easy way out. I won’t give in to life and reality. Even thought it’s hard to live with the insult which is my life I still don’t want to give up the few things that I have achieved.
Why is it that several people think I’m cool, that I’m cute? Why do people say that I have one of the purest hearts that they’ve ever seen? Why am I rated so fucking positive when I can’t even seem to see it myself. When I look in the mirror I just see another ugly motherfucker like there are plenty more. How the fuck can that be different to other people? While the whole society judges you on the two seconds they see your outside before them.I Despise those people which judge me on what they see while they don’t really care about the person within. Ignorance is what they choose…
What about the past for me. I came to find that the most pain comes from relationships gone bad. The fall is always a bitch. It’s not so hard to fall when you’re really in love with someone you totally trust. And I can assure you that the fall will be steep and painful. The last times that I was lucky enough to enjoy the short moments of love I felt it quite often. Just because they thought a month with me was long enough. So they just let me fall. Even though they don’t really mean to hurt me they still do. All the sorry feelings in the world can’t help it go away.
Every time again when I was in a relationship I thought it was something special. Something that wouldn’t go away, that she would actually love me for the rest of her life. So they always told me, I love you forever, I’ll never leave you and all that bullshit. But, foolish as I was, I always believed them. Perhaps because I wanted to believe them. Every time again I found out that they couldn’t make it true. Every time I was dropped down that little hole down that leads to depression. I loved it when I was with them, and I was even happy. But once it was over I came to find the real me, the person that I am now. Love is nothing but one big lie. And I hate being lied to. Every time I said I’d love them forever I meant it. But it wasn’t mutual, I’ve should have known. It sickens me to be dumped but every time I forgave them and blamed myself. Just because I didn’t want to make it to hard for them so I tried to forget my feelings as fast as possible, which wasn’t so easy at times. So I carry on with life while I carry the burden of every past relationship I’ve been in. Reminding the past memories just brings back the pain they’ve caused me but I can’t help but to reminisce about it. It’s part of my life so I just can’t forget about it even thought the pain is incredible. It’s a contradiction but I would almost give anything to be happy with someone who I love. But like I said it seems so very impossible.
Why should I go on like this? Sometimes I’m sitting in my room asking myself that question. I would do it for my friends, especially for Joris because he’s the best friend I can imagine. But that would actually be the only reason why. It’s sad as I come to think about it and come to that conclusion. So depressing to live my life. So fucking depressing to see almost all of my friends happy with their girl- or boyfriend. Seeing them being happy and so fucking all in my face. Everywhere I’m reminded of it by all those happy couples. Even the most fucked individuals, the most ugly assholes that have walked this globe had a fucking relationship, the bitches that were like snakes crawled around with their men like it was nothing. And still I’m sitting here in this funny joke which life just told. It doesn’t matter anyway because we’re all just mere liars in this life or any other life that we should live. Lying for our own benefice while we screw with other people which actually just do the same thing.
Life’s not beautiful at all when you think about it, it’s all just misery because of other people which hurt you.
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