1826 Days

Five years to the day since that day.

Five years ago, a day that changed the course of my thoughts and my life.
It actually started a few weeks earlier but I still remember the official day when I had a relationship with Lily. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the 8th of july...
Now it does look like an eternity ago when first we met through asl.to and all the hours spent getting to know eachother. How new and exciting it was to have somebody who was really interested in my person. I had prayed for so long for someone to come and relieve my battered soul from pain of all kinds. Someone to make me forget about all the difficult times I had lived through.
She made my life beautiful as she entered my world. She changed me completely and brought up the things within me which I never expected to find. I’d sacrifice everything for her just in order to be with her and see her smile. I never experienced another love that was as deep and meaningful to me as hers. And I can say that my feelings were mutual in the least.

It’s been five years... Of which unfortunately I have only spent 2,5 years with her. I never wanted that to end and neither did she. But it seemed that it just wasn’t meant to be. That one test proved to be too much for my mind and after a small year of suffering and questions in my head I folded and crashed.
I thought it would all be for the better and I just wanted to feel again like someone loved me and was there for me. Because that was what she did. In everything we shared I felt so much love and understanding. She had taken me in and couldn’t bear to go on without me. I never could understand back then. But now five years later it brings me to tears to look back. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever feel that same way again.
I always said I didn’t have any regrets and I was grateful for the times I had but in the back of my mind it never left me. There was always something that was gnawing at me. A regret of me being to weak to understand what she had really been going through when she felt as bad as she did. A regret which blamed me for being to egocentrical to understand and see. I was the person of who I thought could help everybody out of their problems because I had lived through so many different things myself. And I never stopped and thought of the fact that I could be wrong and that it could go wrong because of my own stupid fault.
I think I was blind to see.

Five years...
What could have been if I hadn’t failed and we were still together? Where would we be standing now?
I can’t bring myself to think about it too much because it would hurt too much to comprehend. I’d be so much further on the road of independence and wouldn’t be limping behind of other friends which have been living together for so many years already.
But then again. Who could say what would have happened in those five years. Everything is possible and nothing lasts forever, even how much you want it to...

Still I can’t help it but to remember those early summer days five years ago. How we spent much time together online. And how we first met at the swimming pool. How surprised I was to see her for the first time and to think how lucky I actually was. And that was only the beginning. It was all a little new and we still had a lot to get to know of eachother. But there was this undeniable spark which had fueled my urge to see her again. I remember the first time I went over to her place. On a greyish rainy day on my bike. Where we met up at the baby corner and how we rode up to her house for the first time. How we sat in her room talking and how I played with her fingers while we just lay there. The feeling of inner peace and comfort was overwhelming like nothing I have ever had the opportunity to enjoy. There was no more rest of the world that afternoon. I soaked it all up in my deepest regions of the heart. Only letting it out when I’m feeling really down and alone. It still warms me to think about it.

The weeks after that were just more of the same. All the times she came over to my house while my parents weren’t home were simply unimaginable. Just being with her gave me wings...

And that’s all 1826 days ago.

How will I ever be able to have those same feelings again? It seems like love has lost it’s intensity. Nothing will ever feel like that again, or so it seems.

Maybe I should open up more. Maybe I should really get some closure on this all...

But how can I ever get over a first love like that?

Sleepless Mind

I don’t know what is happening with my head these last weeks. Everything went by quite normaly and all of the sudden I’m having dreams with the 2 people who have reigned my emotional life for a vast amount of time.

And I find it strange because of the fact that they both entered my dreams in a very short period of time.
Does this all mean anything? Does it shine some light on something that’s not right in my life? Can I even consider it meaningful in any way??? This poses a lot of questions that i’m dying to answer but I’m still searching for answers myself. I got enough time to think at work and as I go out for a walk. There are some things of which I think could be related to the appearance of both Lily and Britt.

First of all the fact that they had both the greatest impact on my personal and relational life. I’ve loved them both intensely much and I always have since the first time I discovered my feelings for them. And I’ve always longed for them as well, as well physicaly as emotionaly. So maybe it’s not that unnatural to find that on a deeper level I still have strong feelings for them. Even though I barely hear or see them...

It all started with a dream about L, it seemed that she wasn’t happy and felt lonely so I comforted her as well as I could. It was quite intense as I held her in my arms trying to take away her pain. In the end we ended up kissing and I think it was about that time when I woke up. This could mean that I still feel sorry that I never really had the opportunity to say goodbye on a decent way with one last kiss. I do admit that it still bothers me but there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. And maybe even on a deeper level I just want her to tell me that she still misses me on some level. But I doubt that she does...
It is true what is said. You never really get over your first true love and this said after all this time that past between now and that fatal day on december 17th ’04 means a whole damn lot. And all that I’ve just realized the last year. I loved her way more than B and that’s not really a surprise. If only she would’ve known and believed that. But I guess it’s way too late to regret all that again. I’ve lived so much pain because of her and anticipated so much for an reunion in the months after the ending with B. I’ll always miss her and so it’s not peculiar to find her again in my dreams.

On the other side there was this dream about B. It wasn’t really a special dream of some kind but I just found it weird to dream of her a few days after my dream of L. It just filled me with an series of emotions, mostly nostalgic. She’s the one that had me entwined with her life for such a long time. I’ve suffered so insanely much for her that I took everything of her in my heart. I’ve helped her out on so many occasions and she had helped me to get over Elke back at high school. I can’t deny that I feel a great love and desire for her as she has starred in many of my fantasies in the course of the years. And here there’s one saying that applies best: the more you suffer the more it shows you really care. I have or had this deep love for her but she kept on disapointing me on so many different occasions. It was always hard to be in love with her but in some way it was worth it. I may not have loved her as much and deep as L but she’s certainly earned that second place with ease.

The analysis of this all has led me to a finding which has filled me with a lot of mixed emotions and I’m still searching for a satisfying solution. I’ll write on this soon in another attempt to clarify what’s in my mind.
I just want to end with this last sentence...
Sometimes I wish my live just hadn’t gone the way it went and I regret that I mean this.