Once more I’m sitting in my room trying to set free the thoughts that haunt me. Some of these thoughts are just questions that are called to my attention because I’ve been reading some chat sessions that I’ve read only a few minutes ago. There still is only one person which I love for now. Even though she kind of banished me out of her life. I just can’t help myself but I can’t stop thinking of her and what have might been wrong. I’m not gonna guess anymore because I’ve got some bad experiences with that but I would really want to ask her that.
When I read all the things we’ve been talking about I go back to those times when we said them. Try to reminisce the concrete situations, what I was feeling and how much I really love her. Over and over again there was only 3 words that kept coming back: “I love you”. It’s wonderful that we had that but it’s easy to see past that, the meaning of those 3 words seem to have faded in time. But to me when I say that I still love her I mean it like the first time I said it to her. That was at school as I remember very well.
If everything now was as simple as it were then. Well my feelings haven’t changed much and if they have changed then it means that I love her now more than I did then.
When I think of this afternoon when I talked to her I noticed that she tried to scare me of intentionally. It was too obvious she even said it straight to my face. I guess that she doesn’t want me to love her anymore because it’s too difficult for her to handle. Of course I might have mistaken her behavior but I wonder why she acted that strange.
My mind is too active these last days. It would be nice if everything would just cool down and become the way they should be. If only we would recognize our love. If she still loves me that is…
When she asked me again to stop loving her this afternoon I wasn’t really surprised. And I guess that she wasn’t really surprised when I said that I couldn’t stop loving her. I’ve known her now for more than a year and I’ve been loving her for about a year now. If I would have stopped loving her I would have known by now. But there’s something when I’m not near her that tells me that something’s wrong. That I need to hear her, that I need to talk to her and see her. And it’s tearing me apart inside, but in my mind I’m sure that it’s worth the waiting. Every time that we would meet would be like perfect, no matter what we would do. Just because we would be together and in the end that’s all I want. I don’t know what she’s feeling right now. If she still loves me or if she doesn’t know yet. What she’s gonna do about the whole situation that I have caused by writing the biggest mistake of my life.
These are only words but I haven’t had the chance to prove them to her. We’ve never actually kissed even though we both longed for the moment to come. But every time there’s something that stops us. A kiss would be perfect to make her feel how I feel about her. But if I could only hold her, that alone would be enough. I see her way to little in real life. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Maybe we should talk about all of this or exchange our opinions about this last week. I think this whole week has been a nightmare. Not only did I lose everything when I lost her, I also found out that it was all my fault and that there was indeed another guy. There’s no way that I could say that I’m sorry even though I would be picking the most beautiful roses for her for the rest of my life. The thorns that would carve in my flesh wouldn’t punish me enough.
I swear to the gods or natural forces that I meant every word of that sentence “I love you” every time I said it. Even now I still mean it from the whole content of my heart. I might be an ugly fucked up liar but I couldn’t lie to her if I say those words…
I love you
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