1 Year Later

26th of may, just another Sunday. So I thought.
Awoke around 12 o’clock and moved my ass down the stairs. And call me a freak but it didn’t take 30 minutes for me to find the computer. So I dragged my brother from behind it and looked if there was any mail for me, while I was at that I checked my list of chatpeeps on msn. As I was looking I saw that a pall of me was absent and next to his nick stood that he was gone to his school for a special day where parents of potential new students could go get to meet the school and teachers. Where there are a whole lot of activities to do. And off course a lot of the students which already go there would be there too.
At first I thought that he went to another school but then it came to my mind that a year ago I went to the same thing of the school where we both were. So I asked to another dude on my list if it was the event of the SBC. He confirmed it and immediately I had to think about the past. I thought about it. Why she didn’t let me know anything but it didn’t take long ‘till I knew why. Not so hard to find out but kinda disappointing just because of the past.
One year ago, maybe a little bit longer but it was around the same time. The time when I was still happy. Why I was still happy? Because of her. The same event, we were in love and her parents couldn’t know so we met in secret on that day. Her parents wouldn’t be there and nobody who could snitch either. It was one of those days which will remain locked in my head with the happy memories. It was her that dragged me away from all the pain and misery. Took my mind from the dark thoughts of suicide and the endless circle of agony. Took my mind from all of that and filled it with love for her. I was happy with every day that I knew that she was there for me. I just couldn’t get enough glimpses of her. That was why we met that day. Because it was too hard to miss her for the whole weekend. Damn that distance that lied between us back then.
The day itself was great, it was just the whole afternoon with her. It was at school but the teachers or anyone else couldn’t stop us from walking hand in hand through the buildings where we wandered the rest of the week. It was a nice day, the sun was shining and it was warm enough to walk around in T-shirt. I could write here everything but I’m not going to. Just because it hurts to much to go back and that it wouldn’t interest any of you. Kinda strange if I think about it. Even though it happened a year ago I can still imagine what exactly happened. What we did, what we said and how we said goodbye. The torture of letting her go back to her parents, away from me…
And then times change. I didn’t like it one bit. It looked like the things just changed for the worst. I lost her and I had to go through a horrible time of pain. Slowly I got back to my feet during the holiday and then it all started again. The long silence between me and her was broken. At first things didn’t go so good. The communication didn’t really seem to work but about a week later it went smooth again. I came to hear from her that she actually still loved me. That changed the whole perspective of my life. What did I have to begin with that? It did make me feel better but on the other hand I knew that I would get hurt again. It went ok for awhile but there wasn’t really a relationship. It seemed just to be a mentioning of feelings without anything more. Even though I thought then that it meant something for her, maybe it did but I don’t even dare to ask her. But as I told before I would get hurt again.
It was all strange what happened. Like something from a soap. The problem for her to choose between me and an other guy and stuff like that. Even worse shit than that but every time again it looked like we had overcome it. I always helped her out with advice and help. Even though I didn’t see her at all. It was all done by chatting. And I see what people mean now when they say that the internet is way to impersonal. In one way it’s true. We are more lonely than ever even when we can talk to everybody on the globe. I felt alone even though I knew that there was somebody out there that loved me.
Then one day it happened. I shouldn’t had been so surprised because it had to turn out that way sooner or later. She finally found someone close to her that she loved more than me. There was this huge fight where she had hurt me pretty bad. Not only did she leave me again but the way how she told me was just too much. I had lost everything again. But it didn’t really seem to matter.
I didn’t have any suicidal thoughts and I wasn’t really too depressed. It was kinda strange actually to feel that way. It was just a big FUCK YOU at everyone. I didn’t care about anything or anyone anymore. And I wasn’t depressed but I wasn’t happy either.
Now I’m sitting here, a year after one of the most influential relationships of my life. I’m not really sure about what I’m feeling. On the one hand I miss all that I had with her but on the other hand I want to continue my life with someone else. And like life is so fucking funny in a sarcastic way every attempt to continue my life has failed.
Now I don’t really know what to do. I’m living this lonely life with several people telling me that I look good and everything but still there’s nobody that loves me and. I don’t really seem to love anyone else either. But that’s probably because I don’t know from the people that might love that they do. Maybe I just have to change my whole lifestyle.
Hopefully I’ll be better next year…