Fucked Up Eye

I lost everything when I lost the one I loved.
It’s somehow all my fault. Don’t ask me why because I don’t completely understand why this shit happened to me.
When I wrote doubtful mind I had like the best intentions that were possible. I wanted to create something beautiful like the “unwritten letter”. But by writing doubtful mind I somehow got the wrong effect. All I wanted was to express what was on my mind.
I wasn’t happy when I wrote it. I couldn’t have been happy after the moment I found out that the one I love(d) didn’t love me all the time even though she told me that she did.
I was too blind to see and too deaf to hear. Blinded by my stubborn mind which told me there was nobody else who she loved. Deaf because of my mind screaming that I had to look out so that I wouldn’t lose her. But I failed, not only haven’t I noticed that there was in fact another person in her life. A person that might just be more loved than I am (was). But I’ve managed to lose the love she once had for me. I’m not completely sure of that last sentence but after the misunderstanding over doubtful mind I’m pretty sure that I fucked it all up.
It’s strange to realize that after all the shit I’ve done to keep loving her, all the carefully picked words and numerous times that I said I loved her. That only 3 pages of words which were written with good intentions can ruin everything I had accomplished in the past.
The damage is done and it seems there’s no way back. No way to take away all the damage I’ve caused. I’m cursed to be unforgiven, to live life lonely. Why has everything have to be perfect??? Why is it impossible for 2 people to love each other without having to be afraid that something they might say or do might hurt the other. Why is it so hard to find someone that seems to be made especially for you and even if you find that person, why is it impossible to be with her (or him).
Where’s the purity??? Purity of mind and soul, the undefiled being of a person that has yet to be made aware that life is coming to get him (or her).
As I stare at this screen nothingness embraces me. Everything I’ve ever had is gone now, faded right in front of me. One moment everything seemed like going well but the next moment I get my eyes scratched out because I’ve written down what I was thinking for these last months. The cursor’s blinking patiently until I get the inspiration to type. As patiently as I was when I wanted to see her everyday when it was impossible. I was such a FOOL…
None of the days were wasted but the pain I’m experiencing now is all my fault. At least that’s what they tell me.
It’s fucked up to sit here in this skin. For once I don’t feel the urge to kill myself and I know that hating myself won’t work but still there is this emotion of hatred for myself. Because it’s all my fault.
Now I’m sorry for what I’ve done even though other’s say that I have reason to be angry and pissed but I feel like I’ve failed in what I was trying to achieve.
All I ever wanted was to be happy with her. Just us together but it is nothing but an utopia now. I’m doomed to be alone.
I don’t know what to do now. I guess I could use some Prozac but that shit would only kill the brain cells and I don’t like medication anyway, even though it might make me happy.
If I can’t be happy the normal way then I’ll just live a miserable life. I’ll never get used to the pain but it’ll be a part of me until I die anyway so I might as well carry the burden.
I can’t pray to god because I don’t believe he exists but I pray for her that she can forgive me for the fucked up things I’ve done. For I truly love her…