Pain

What is it with this world that it won’t let me be happy? Why is everything always so complicated and unfair to FUCKING ME??? I’m so fucking sick of it. Why is it that I always come to find that I’m not the only one. There’s always someone else between me and my happiness. I’m so sick right now. Would like to grab something just to make the pain go away. Or cut my arm to forget all of this. Drown in a pool of physical pain instead of this mental pain. I hate my life!!! One day I believe I can take the world by myself but now I’m close to breaking down. So fast since I’ve met her. This is all so very new for me. I told her everything in just 2 weeks. Talked for hours with her letting her know my every thought. I didn’t hold anything back from her and spoke my mind. I didn’t lie to her and would do anything so she could be happy. I still would do anything in order for her to be happy, in spite of my own pain. It’s so fucked to be me.
Now I’m sitting here all alone in my bedroom, like I’ve always have been alone at moments like this. Wallow in my pain with nobody around. Trying to get a grip on myself or my pain but this time it doesn’t seem to go. Now I’m completely sure that I love her, before I had like a few seconds where I thought that my feelings might have been wrong, but the feeling of pain that I have now has certainly removed all doubt from my heart. It feels like my soul is shattered. I don’t blame her because it really is my own fault. Maybe I had too high hopes for us but still this doesn’t feel right. I can’t seem to stop crying, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? Pull me down and drown me before I do something stupid. Put me on some sort of narcotics before I take the knife from my desk. Pain created by anticipation? Maybe but it doesn’t really matter. I know that she said that she doesn’t want to chose right now and that still everything can become right but live has never been that good to me.
She will be taken away from me like everything else. I’ve already lost everything before and it seems like history repeats itself again. Why does it always happen to me? What the fuck did I do wrong to disserve all of this. Can’t anything go right, even if it were only for one time? Is that really too much to expect from life. Sadness kicked in my heart without an real reason. Why do I doubt everything around me. I feel so abandoned and alone, fucking nobody to hold me and everyone’s gone. Like it has always been.
This should be written in my down theory. But it’s not a theory it’s my life that has turned it’s back on me AGAIN. Why does everyone lie to me? Why does everyone make me believe that life is fucking beautiful while I’m sitting here like this? I’m so sick of myself. I just want to bleed, let the blood flow on the white carpet in my room. Why won’t the tears stop flowing, it’s already going on for almost 30 minutes…
I’m just so little, I’ll never reach what I want in my life. All I want life is to be happy. But I guess that dreams just don’t come true.
What do I tell the rest when I come down with my eyes still red from the tears (if the tears will have finally stopped, if’ they’ll ever stop). I’ll just tell them to fuck off and don’t ask. I don’t want them to interfere with my issues. That’s what my life is all about, fucking issues. I’m just a big 0, like I have always been.
Why must I go through all this? When tomorrow I’ll just see my friends again with their “happy” lives.
Will I ever pull down a trigger? I would love to do it but will I ever have the guts to really do it? As long as this pain would stop. I’d do anything.
Why do I love her so damn much? I know why but I just can’t explain. Just so damn special to me. But does she even know or understand…
I’ve really got some psychic problems. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I won’t see no shrink because he can only understand my problem but he can’t solve it. All the people who have wished me luck, all the people which try to gave me strength to carry on with this live. They all look so very distant and nothing they said seems to matter, nothing seems to help me out. The support I got from every human being that I know is not enough to keep me going. It seems so useless. I must look so seamless now. It’s getting darker outside as I sit here writing down my deepest feelings. I could wish for what I want but none of those wishes would come true. Everything would backfire. Karma doesn’t work, will it ever work? I don’t fucking think so.
Now where’s that knife, let me take it and make me forget myself for some time. Make me forget everything around me, everything that isn’t there. I’m so unhappy, I’ve been it for such a long time. Why, I always keep asking that same fucking question. WHY??? What has happened to me over these past years? I don’t want to remember most of it because it all brings back a mass of pain but all of that seems nothing compared with what I feel know.
I’ve just been broken. Broken by my own thoughts and pain. I love her so damn much. Why won’t anyone hear me???