Monday, September 30, 2013
Brighter Day
Sometimes I can't grasp how my life goes.
Sometimes it seems that I'm just at the sideline watching over everything that happens to me.
But sometimes I manage to take control and steer the way things go...
I did just that a couple of weeks ago. And somehow I've set things in motion.
Things which are making me smile.
Getting to know someone who intrigues me.
Hoping I get to know her even better.
And every day
just seems a little bit
brighter...
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Smile From The Past
I was a bit tired of these piles of boxes just standing around and decided to do something about them.
So I was sorting through old notes from college this afternoon. Deciding what I could still use and keep and what to discard.
And while I was going through those hundreds of pages of paper I noticed a page which had another handwriting on it than mine. It took me a minute to realize who's writing it actually was. But when I noticed the sentence in the sideline I instantly remembered.
It read: "tiny lily st*rry zottywotty loof joety"
It put a smile on my face as I thought back at that time when I was doing some research in the college-library when Lily had joined me. It was about 10 years ago, and one of the few times (or so I remember) I saw her that last year we were together.
Time has gone by way too fast...
Sunday, July 7, 2013
To Let It Go...
I have always been carrying my past like bagage with me. I was afraid of losing it and forgetting what made me who I am today. I couldn't rid myself of the painful thoughts and wishes which made my life harder than it actually was. It closed me off from other people and the outside world in general.
I was always biding my time and hoping for someone to come knock on my door and drag me out into the brighter day. And all the while I saw everyone around me carrying on striving for happiness.
I had been blind and stuck for far too long but didn't have the willpower to do anything about it.
But than a few weeks ago I experienced some kind of epiphany.
I had managed to meet up with with the person which represented my past, the past I couldn't let go.
It had been ages since I had seen and talked to her, but her image had still lived in my mind for all that time. She had brought her significant other which was an old friend of mine and we really had a pleasant evening talking about everything that went on in our lives.
That evening I saw and felt how happy those two people were together. Even though they had their own hardships and problems, they were there for one another. And I understood finally that I could let my past go. I needn't worry about her anymore, because she had already made her life and was continuing to write it herself.
And so I lost a burden which I had been carrying for about ten years.
In the meantime I've been busy working on myself, becoming a more open person, a better version of myself. It's a slow process but there's progress nonetheless.
I'm no longer afraid of forgetting what I lived through, I still see it every day I look in the mirror...
I was always biding my time and hoping for someone to come knock on my door and drag me out into the brighter day. And all the while I saw everyone around me carrying on striving for happiness.
I had been blind and stuck for far too long but didn't have the willpower to do anything about it.
But than a few weeks ago I experienced some kind of epiphany.
I had managed to meet up with with the person which represented my past, the past I couldn't let go.
It had been ages since I had seen and talked to her, but her image had still lived in my mind for all that time. She had brought her significant other which was an old friend of mine and we really had a pleasant evening talking about everything that went on in our lives.
That evening I saw and felt how happy those two people were together. Even though they had their own hardships and problems, they were there for one another. And I understood finally that I could let my past go. I needn't worry about her anymore, because she had already made her life and was continuing to write it herself.
And so I lost a burden which I had been carrying for about ten years.
In the meantime I've been busy working on myself, becoming a more open person, a better version of myself. It's a slow process but there's progress nonetheless.
I'm no longer afraid of forgetting what I lived through, I still see it every day I look in the mirror...
Thursday, June 6, 2013
The Corner
Every year around this time my parents go on a holiday.
And every time again I pass by my parental house to check on things and feed the fishes and chickens...
So when I enter the house where I have lived for so many years, I'm always welcomed with a feeling of home. That's why I can relate to this song by Staind. Even though I don't live there any more, it all looks so familiar still.
But today was a little bit different.
My mind took me back 10 years ago. It reminded me of her.
I could still imagine her standing right there at the sink, or sitting at the kitchen table in front of me.
I saw her laying on the couch, us hugging in the store...
I was overwhelmed by my thoughts as tears sprung to my eyes.
How did I ever get to be like this, when I had it all?
Monday, May 27, 2013
Bikeride...
Sometimes, when I find it hard to handle the thoughts in my mind, it helps me to run away and clear my head a little bit.
These days I try to do that by going for a bikeride. Physical efforts are my main way of taking a break from everything that concerns me.
But the only way I'm sure that I can free my mind is by setting of for a couple of hours on my bike.
I never plan where I'm going. I just take off and let my bike chose the path.
The funny thing is: if I'm really having a hard time I'll always take a certain road. It always leads me past her old street, past her parental house. And it always helps to calm me down. There's something about that particular section of road that calms my senses, it seems like I relive the past to a certain degree. That same road that I travelled so many times before still brings back so many beautiful memories.
And so I go a little harder, it pushes me forward and gives me strength of heart. At least for a while.
Should I need it again, I'll always find my way there...
These days I try to do that by going for a bikeride. Physical efforts are my main way of taking a break from everything that concerns me.
But the only way I'm sure that I can free my mind is by setting of for a couple of hours on my bike.
I never plan where I'm going. I just take off and let my bike chose the path.
The funny thing is: if I'm really having a hard time I'll always take a certain road. It always leads me past her old street, past her parental house. And it always helps to calm me down. There's something about that particular section of road that calms my senses, it seems like I relive the past to a certain degree. That same road that I travelled so many times before still brings back so many beautiful memories.
And so I go a little harder, it pushes me forward and gives me strength of heart. At least for a while.
Should I need it again, I'll always find my way there...
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Strong Heart
Somebody started talking to me tonight.
He was having a rough night with all the things he's been through the past half year, and he needed a talk.
I don't really know that guy that well, but I'm always willing to lend a listening ear.
Sometimes it can be really helpful to just tell your story and having someone there to listen to it. Whether they understand or not is irrelevant. The fact that they listen is enough...
And when he was done talking he asked me how I was holding up.
I hadn't heard or seen the guy in a long time, so I surprised him when I told him that I wasn't doing so brilliantly.
He was kind of shocked. He told me he had always figured out that I had it made. That I had everything I wanted. Of course he couldn't have known because he wasn't aware that I have been without a relationship for 1,5 year.
So I only explained a fraction of how I actually am doing right now. And I appreciated what support he gave me, knowing the bigger things he's been dealing with this last year.
This helped me to put things in perspective once again.
Yes, my life isn't all that cracked up to be right now, but there are a lot of people out there who are having to deal with things which are a lot worse.
There's always something that goes wrong in our lifes. The fact is that we have to deal with these tests the best we can.
And we can't ever give up on ourselves and the people we love.
It takes a strong heart to persist.
But persevere I will...
He was having a rough night with all the things he's been through the past half year, and he needed a talk.
I don't really know that guy that well, but I'm always willing to lend a listening ear.
Sometimes it can be really helpful to just tell your story and having someone there to listen to it. Whether they understand or not is irrelevant. The fact that they listen is enough...
And when he was done talking he asked me how I was holding up.
I hadn't heard or seen the guy in a long time, so I surprised him when I told him that I wasn't doing so brilliantly.
He was kind of shocked. He told me he had always figured out that I had it made. That I had everything I wanted. Of course he couldn't have known because he wasn't aware that I have been without a relationship for 1,5 year.
So I only explained a fraction of how I actually am doing right now. And I appreciated what support he gave me, knowing the bigger things he's been dealing with this last year.
This helped me to put things in perspective once again.
Yes, my life isn't all that cracked up to be right now, but there are a lot of people out there who are having to deal with things which are a lot worse.
There's always something that goes wrong in our lifes. The fact is that we have to deal with these tests the best we can.
And we can't ever give up on ourselves and the people we love.
It takes a strong heart to persist.
But persevere I will...
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Vent
It always seems that I have more to write about when I'm not feeling good.
This is my way of venting everything that's on my mind.
That's probably because I don't want to bother people with what's going on in my head.
I'm afraid of exposing the parts of me that leave people feeling bad. Feeling bad about what I feel, and left feeling bad about themselves because most of them are living a happier life than myself.
So I write.
And I have written a lot these last few weeks.
I sometimes wonder who actually reads all of this.
And I wonder even more who actually cares.
As I expose myself time and again, it seems like the world is watching and remains mute.
But does it even matter?
Is there anyone capable of helping me anyway?
My dark thoughts don't see a positive outcome.
I have attempted to break the cycle the past year, but every time again I ran into a wall.
It sometimes seems I am destined to remain by myself...
And I wonder how I will cope with that.
Guess I haven't finished writing just yet...
This is my way of venting everything that's on my mind.
That's probably because I don't want to bother people with what's going on in my head.
I'm afraid of exposing the parts of me that leave people feeling bad. Feeling bad about what I feel, and left feeling bad about themselves because most of them are living a happier life than myself.
So I write.
And I have written a lot these last few weeks.
I sometimes wonder who actually reads all of this.
And I wonder even more who actually cares.
As I expose myself time and again, it seems like the world is watching and remains mute.
But does it even matter?
Is there anyone capable of helping me anyway?
My dark thoughts don't see a positive outcome.
I have attempted to break the cycle the past year, but every time again I ran into a wall.
It sometimes seems I am destined to remain by myself...
And I wonder how I will cope with that.
Guess I haven't finished writing just yet...
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Late Night Realization
My heart actually pounded in my throat when I heard the bell ring.
As I made my way to the front door I was wondering if she would have come alone or not...
Of course she didn't, and as I sat here the whole night with the both of them it was apparent why.
They truly belong together.
And all my feelings don't make a difference in the world. Even I realized that after only 3 minutes.
I'm truly happy for the both of them. He's doing a much better job than I would have been able to fulfill and they are both genuinely happy together.
But still, it stings...
It pains me to see other people at their best when they are together.
Every time it reminds me that at the end of the night, I'm going to be left alone.
It leaves me with a lot of self doubt.
It has been 1,5 years.
I just can't believe I'm still sitting here all alone.
Every night again I return to my empty bed.
Every morning I return to my sad lonely life.
I never asked for this...
As I made my way to the front door I was wondering if she would have come alone or not...
Of course she didn't, and as I sat here the whole night with the both of them it was apparent why.
They truly belong together.
And all my feelings don't make a difference in the world. Even I realized that after only 3 minutes.
I'm truly happy for the both of them. He's doing a much better job than I would have been able to fulfill and they are both genuinely happy together.
But still, it stings...
It pains me to see other people at their best when they are together.
Every time it reminds me that at the end of the night, I'm going to be left alone.
It leaves me with a lot of self doubt.
It has been 1,5 years.
I just can't believe I'm still sitting here all alone.
Every night again I return to my empty bed.
Every morning I return to my sad lonely life.
I never asked for this...
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Hate Bad News
I'm never fond of bad news.
Even though it doesn't happen to me, I still don't like it. Especially when it concerns close friends of mine.
I know these things happen all the time. Anomalies, stillborn children, early terminated pregnancies... A lot of people are confronted with these things. Be it in their families or their friends or sometimes to themselves. And it's never easy, it always becomes a mental scar they carry for the rest of their lifes.
So when I heard this today, I felt really bad for her. Having to go through such an ordeal is something I would never have wished for her. I know I don't know the complete background but that doesn't mean I'm thinking extra hard about her. I really hope she'll get all the support she needs to get back on top of it and gives it another succesful shot. I know I will lend a listening ear and support her as best as I can.
It feels strange to think and write that.
I really do wish her all the best with everything she does in her life. I've seen how happy she's been with her boyfriend. And how she got her house completely redone so that it feels like a home. It seemed to me that the next logical step would be their own child. And that would be wonderful.
But I can't help but to think of her as I once used to.
I still see her as that missing part of me.
She was the only girl I ever saw myself growing old with, the only one I would start a family with.
I know I shouldn't say these things.
I can't help being honest, but on the other side I'm fair enough to know my place. And I'll never force my thoughts upon her.
She has made her choice, and I'm fully supportive of that.
That's how I have always been. And I guess that's how I'll always be.
Even though it doesn't happen to me, I still don't like it. Especially when it concerns close friends of mine.
I know these things happen all the time. Anomalies, stillborn children, early terminated pregnancies... A lot of people are confronted with these things. Be it in their families or their friends or sometimes to themselves. And it's never easy, it always becomes a mental scar they carry for the rest of their lifes.
So when I heard this today, I felt really bad for her. Having to go through such an ordeal is something I would never have wished for her. I know I don't know the complete background but that doesn't mean I'm thinking extra hard about her. I really hope she'll get all the support she needs to get back on top of it and gives it another succesful shot. I know I will lend a listening ear and support her as best as I can.
It feels strange to think and write that.
I really do wish her all the best with everything she does in her life. I've seen how happy she's been with her boyfriend. And how she got her house completely redone so that it feels like a home. It seemed to me that the next logical step would be their own child. And that would be wonderful.
But I can't help but to think of her as I once used to.
I still see her as that missing part of me.
She was the only girl I ever saw myself growing old with, the only one I would start a family with.
I know I shouldn't say these things.
I can't help being honest, but on the other side I'm fair enough to know my place. And I'll never force my thoughts upon her.
She has made her choice, and I'm fully supportive of that.
That's how I have always been. And I guess that's how I'll always be.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Tainted Soul
So what is the deal with my blog Tainted Soul?
I started writing poems and short pieces of text back when I was about 15 years old.
I kept every one of them in small books and folders, always managed to keep them all together without losing a single one of them.
As the years passed, my collection of poetry kept growing in style and size.
So much so that at the time I'm writing this I have written about 243 poems in total.
It has become some kind of diary of everything I have lived through in the last 14 years of my life.
The process of putting them all online was nothing but huge. Not only having to copy everything from pieces of paper to the screen, but the fact that I put them out for you to read was a big deal for me.
But I didn't want to stop there. Two years ago I started to write a book about that blog.
I took every poem I had ever written and gave some background as to the idea and meaning of each piece. I ended up in having printed two copies of the two books they eventually became.
I'm actually in the progress of writing the third book. It's a slow process because I still don't have enough writings to fill a complete third book. But I will get there sooner or later.
If you should be interested in it you can always ask me for a virtual copy.
It has been some kind of therapy for me to be writing for so long.
It gave me a possibility to get things of my chest. Things I never could tell to people.
Luckily the paper is always listening...
I started writing poems and short pieces of text back when I was about 15 years old.
I kept every one of them in small books and folders, always managed to keep them all together without losing a single one of them.
As the years passed, my collection of poetry kept growing in style and size.
So much so that at the time I'm writing this I have written about 243 poems in total.
It has become some kind of diary of everything I have lived through in the last 14 years of my life.
The process of putting them all online was nothing but huge. Not only having to copy everything from pieces of paper to the screen, but the fact that I put them out for you to read was a big deal for me.
But I didn't want to stop there. Two years ago I started to write a book about that blog.
I took every poem I had ever written and gave some background as to the idea and meaning of each piece. I ended up in having printed two copies of the two books they eventually became.
I'm actually in the progress of writing the third book. It's a slow process because I still don't have enough writings to fill a complete third book. But I will get there sooner or later.
If you should be interested in it you can always ask me for a virtual copy.
It has been some kind of therapy for me to be writing for so long.
It gave me a possibility to get things of my chest. Things I never could tell to people.
Luckily the paper is always listening...
Implications Of What I Write...
Who am I to write the things I think about?
To write about everything I feel or think? Everything that passes my mind. And involve certain people in those writings as well.
I do think about what they would think or say to themselves if they would come to read it.
But far too often I don't stop to think if they rather didn't know what goes on in my mind. If by typing down all these words I push some people away from me unknowingly...
Of course I would understand them, even though I never mean to hurt anybody or make them feel completely at unease. But I can't help that most of the times the subjects are rather sad or depressing.
I write most things from my point of view. But they don't always reflect my recent opinions or thoughts, from time to time I write with the past in mind. Or I write about how I would wish certain things would be...
Everything you read here is actually meant for me. As some kind of testimony of the person I will become in this life. I want to learn from my past as good as I can. Yet
I'm not afraid of sharing my long road with the people who care enough to find all of this.
Perhaps you might recognize some things and find strength in the knowledge that you're not the only one thinking them.
And yes, I might offend or shock you as well. But you will have to forgive me for that, I was never perfect to begin with...
To write about everything I feel or think? Everything that passes my mind. And involve certain people in those writings as well.
I do think about what they would think or say to themselves if they would come to read it.
But far too often I don't stop to think if they rather didn't know what goes on in my mind. If by typing down all these words I push some people away from me unknowingly...
Of course I would understand them, even though I never mean to hurt anybody or make them feel completely at unease. But I can't help that most of the times the subjects are rather sad or depressing.
I write most things from my point of view. But they don't always reflect my recent opinions or thoughts, from time to time I write with the past in mind. Or I write about how I would wish certain things would be...
Everything you read here is actually meant for me. As some kind of testimony of the person I will become in this life. I want to learn from my past as good as I can. Yet
I'm not afraid of sharing my long road with the people who care enough to find all of this.
Perhaps you might recognize some things and find strength in the knowledge that you're not the only one thinking them.
And yes, I might offend or shock you as well. But you will have to forgive me for that, I was never perfect to begin with...
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Wallowing Subconsciousness
Sometimes I wonder how my brain and unconscious mind works.
What actually triggers them to make me think and dream about certain people.
Especially these last few weeks I found myself trapped in thoughts and feelings of the past.
And I actually don't really mind reliving those.
It has given me much inspiration to write what I needed to vent.
Everything I wrote these past weeks revolve around this one person.
I lost most contact with her over the course of the past years. It is something I truly regret. But on the other hand I assume it was some kind of self-defense mechanism, shielding me from myself and everything that lives inside of me.
I know that might sound kind of weird, but I have always been somebody who retains loving feelings towards certain people for the rest of my life. I sometimes realize that I can't always try to forget what I have lived through in the past. Even how hard I try, it always resurfaces at one time or the other. Reminding me that I used to have a good life. That things weren't always as bad as they are now.
On the other hand it also helps me to see that sometimes I have to adjust my views on what I want. That the things I was always so sure of, are subject to change under certain circumstances.
But that's not the case now.
Not by a long shot...
What actually triggers them to make me think and dream about certain people.
Especially these last few weeks I found myself trapped in thoughts and feelings of the past.
And I actually don't really mind reliving those.
It has given me much inspiration to write what I needed to vent.
Everything I wrote these past weeks revolve around this one person.
I lost most contact with her over the course of the past years. It is something I truly regret. But on the other hand I assume it was some kind of self-defense mechanism, shielding me from myself and everything that lives inside of me.
I know that might sound kind of weird, but I have always been somebody who retains loving feelings towards certain people for the rest of my life. I sometimes realize that I can't always try to forget what I have lived through in the past. Even how hard I try, it always resurfaces at one time or the other. Reminding me that I used to have a good life. That things weren't always as bad as they are now.
On the other hand it also helps me to see that sometimes I have to adjust my views on what I want. That the things I was always so sure of, are subject to change under certain circumstances.
But that's not the case now.
Not by a long shot...
Monday, May 6, 2013
Hardcore
It's funny how people perceive one another...
I've been hanging out with a bunch of friends this weekend and at one time we were browsing some music on youtube. So naturally at one point the genre gets chosen by yours truly. And then one of my friends which doesn't really know me that well is kind of negative towards the music I listen to.
I realize that hardcore punk, and metal all sounds very aggressive and mostly non-melodic. But sometimes it's good to stop a moment and contemplate what drives people to listen to it.
My friend said that she has the image in her head, that when people listen to those genres they are aggressive people who would hurt or rob other people without remorse and so on...
When I replied if she looks at me from that perspective, wouldn't I be a complete asshole then?
So then she admitted that she didn't think that of me, but the music still brought up those feelings in her...
I'm not going to speak for everybody who listens to hardcore or metal. Everybody has got their own reasons and they do differentiate a lot. But I have personally been to so many shows and festivals, and every time again I feel welcomed and a lot safer than I sometimes would in the normal civilized world.
Especially when it comes to hardcore, the music holds a positive message. It's been written to make people see that there is a reason to carry on, even if life gets hard sometimes.
It tells us that there are still values like: honor, pride, respect, love.
And yes, sometimes it calls for hate. Hate against those people who do injustice to others, against a society that takes advantage of the weakened. It calls for every one of us to make a difference and try to make this world a better place for ourselves and the people we love.
That's what Hardcore is all about. It is a way of life for the people who seek more than mere pleasure.
It actually means something.
If you don't live for something you'll die for nothing...
I've been hanging out with a bunch of friends this weekend and at one time we were browsing some music on youtube. So naturally at one point the genre gets chosen by yours truly. And then one of my friends which doesn't really know me that well is kind of negative towards the music I listen to.
I realize that hardcore punk, and metal all sounds very aggressive and mostly non-melodic. But sometimes it's good to stop a moment and contemplate what drives people to listen to it.
My friend said that she has the image in her head, that when people listen to those genres they are aggressive people who would hurt or rob other people without remorse and so on...
When I replied if she looks at me from that perspective, wouldn't I be a complete asshole then?
So then she admitted that she didn't think that of me, but the music still brought up those feelings in her...
I'm not going to speak for everybody who listens to hardcore or metal. Everybody has got their own reasons and they do differentiate a lot. But I have personally been to so many shows and festivals, and every time again I feel welcomed and a lot safer than I sometimes would in the normal civilized world.
Especially when it comes to hardcore, the music holds a positive message. It's been written to make people see that there is a reason to carry on, even if life gets hard sometimes.
It tells us that there are still values like: honor, pride, respect, love.
And yes, sometimes it calls for hate. Hate against those people who do injustice to others, against a society that takes advantage of the weakened. It calls for every one of us to make a difference and try to make this world a better place for ourselves and the people we love.
That's what Hardcore is all about. It is a way of life for the people who seek more than mere pleasure.
It actually means something.
If you don't live for something you'll die for nothing...
Friday, May 3, 2013
Can't Decide
Posted this today, a song by the brilliant hardcore-punkband Black Flag.
Not only did I post this because it features my personal hero Henry Rollins, but also because of the content of this song...
Sun's coming up and I can't decideI don't think I have to spell out what this song is all about. And I do relate to this...
To spill my emotions or keep them inside
Go for a drive, go to the store
I'm looking for something that can't be bought there
I always wear a smile
Because anything but a smile would make me have to explain
And they wouldn't understand anyway
I conceal my feelings so I won't have to explain
What I can't explain anyway
I can't decide
I can't decide
I can't decide anything
I can't decide
I can't decide
I can't decide anything
Every time I open my mouth
I always wish I had kept it shut
I gotta spill my guts - but I don't dare
I take a look around, I know that no one else cares
Sun's coming up and I can't decide
To spill my emotions or keep them inside
Go for a drive, go to the store
I'm looking for something that can't be bought there
I always wear a smile
Because anything but a smile would make me have to explain
And they wouldn't understand anyway
I conceal my feelings so I won't have to explain
What I can't explain anyway
I can't decide
I can't decide
It's how I spend a majority of my days these last months. I do try to just let all my frustration and loneliness go and try to become more numb as it were.
Try to let go of all the notions that I absolutely need somebody to be happy. Just to make my life bearable to live...
Needless to say that I'm failing miserably at the moment.
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