Change???

I’ve had an interesting discussion with one of my friends lately. We were just talking about stuff when suddenly we came to a subject which with I’m really familiar with cf.: myself.
She said she had talked with another friend of mine. They both think that I’m a really friendly and cool guy, they even think that I’m kind of cute which rather surprised me. A lot of positive stuff about me but then they came to my deepest personal stuff. My character was thought as being “special”. At first I didn’t really know what to think but as I thought about it, it all became clearer.
She gave me a hint when she told that she and her friend couldn’t start a relationship with me because of my character. And I immediately understood what they meant. What she meant was that one part of me which is most seen lately.
Whenever things start getting bad I get mad at myself, I get carried away with events. When I’m in love with someone and the relationship is going good there’s little that could take me down. You might even say that I feel invulnerable to all the pain or problems from the outside. But once things turn bad there’s this whole change.
I start hating myself and the world around me. Quotes like “Fuck the world”, “Fuck it all”, “I wanna die” and others are heard and read regularly during those periods. I totally feel like shit and the pain kicks in hard. Feel like I’m nobody, that I don’t disserve to live.
Of course I could hide those feelings from the world but I’ve done that for so long that I grew tired of hiding the pain and mask my true identity. I found it was time to step out of the light into the shadows. Try to break that image that society wants everybody to have.
When I still was in high school last year it was obvious to everybody who I was and how I was feeling. If I felt like shit nobody even tried to make me mad or anything. They either left me alone or asked if they could help me. But most of the time they sat and watched in silence. Those times of darkness lasted longer than the times that I was happy but it was all due to circumstances.
Because it was all clear to her last year she knew what to expect when I told her that things weren’t good at all this week. It was that time again… She told me that it would be better if I should change my attitude towards life. Especially when I’m down. She told me that I shouldn’t care too much about the problems and the pain. About the loss of my most loved one. I said to her that what she was asking was to change myself. And she told me that sometimes one HAS to do that. I agreed on that one but I’ve been thinking some more.
If I should change myself, I would be happier and I would care less about shit that happens. Isn’t that what society wants??? To hide the ugly things of life, like using make up to make things more beautiful than they really are. Hiding scars and the hideous creatures that are created by the society itself. I think it’s kind of an absurd view on life. I could change myself but as I think about it, it becomes more appalling to me. I dislike society as it is now and I definitely don’t wanna be part of it.
I know it seems strange, everybody seeks happiness in their lives and so do I but I don’t wanna do it in cost of my own individuality. The blank mass of society is now bigger than it has ever been before and I don’t want that happen to me as well. I don’t wanna be a product of something I despise.
When I look at the youth of today I’m filled with anger for what is happening. All the kids that are blinded and fed with the will and laws of a society that we haven’t been able to choose. Just because we were so “lucky” to be born in it. Maybe it might have it’s advantages but there’s no freedom.
Even freedom of mind is an utopia, in school the subjective views of teachers are been given to the kids and propaganda on television and radio is constantly spread. The commercials corrupt the minds and make people buy shit they will never need to be happy. The urge to own has become greater as the amount of money grows in their wallets.
When someone lives alone there’s a lot of choice. One can buy in the stores 2 sandwiches which have the same price of the six-pack of the same sandwiches. What would he buy then? The 2 sandwiches because that’s all he needs or the six-pack because he has more for the same price. The people of the blank mass would of course buy the six-pack but that’s fucking absurd. A lot of money is thrown away on shit which is absolutely unnecessary.
I know it’s boring to hear this shit again but if all the money that’s wasted everyday were given to good causes like research for diseases or world hunger a lot of misery could be solved. And a lot of other people could be happy. Just as everyone wants to be.
I’d also like to be happy but I don’t need a lot to be really happy. All I want is the love from the one that I love. Maybe one day I’ll find it. Until then I’ll get by by myself. I’m not saying that I won’t be down when the pain strikes but I’ll try to carry on with life. As I have done up to now. Maybe less quotes like “Fuck it all” but still people will know that something’s really wrong.
I hope that this may have released some minds from the blank mass that is called “society”. We got to release the ignorant minds. Awaken the fools that slumber in their own suicide of mind and freedom. Let the persistent choke in their so called pride and money. Because in the end no one that hasn’t felt real pain in their life hasn’t lived at all.
It’s only once you know what it’s like to be hurt like hell that you can experience how wonderful it is to be happy.
Think about it…