I kinda like what I’m experiencing these days. Everything seems to be going well and since a while I feel at ease. It’s not like I’m at ease 24/7, but it’s better now than it has been before. I’m just so happy that our paths crossed. I can’t imagine what I would have done without her. She’s there every day, always ready to talk about anything or even the most personal thoughts. Things that others don’t know about her or me. Dark secrets revealed while covering the failures with positive emotions. Making the other feel good with who he or she is. Doing almost everything for the other in order for him or her to be happy.
She brings out the best in me. Sweet words come from my mind which I would never expect to hear from my own lips. Nothing but love comes from this hart while there’s no room for anything bad to feel. As long as I’m hanging around her there’s nothing wrong. The first encounter in real life was something weird actually. To see her for the first time, even though I saw the pictures I was very surprised. She didn’t look anything like the pictures I saw. She was so beautiful, I was simply stunned. Not only that but I was sure that maybe for once I would have luck in this life. It turned out that she was way better than I could ever have imagined, not only physical but also mental.
How I miss her since that first and only encounter this far. I can’t wait until I’ll see her again. “Will that day ever come ?” I ask myself every morning when I get out of bed. Longing for that moment when I get to talk with her over the internet or when she leaves me a call so that I know that she’s thinking of me. It’s those little things that make my day bearable. How I wish I was with her every single second of every day.
Just got out of the shower and it’s already late. A minute past midnight as I feel that it’s still warm outside. I just go outside and sit on the bench in front of the small garden with herbs. The sky is almost dark but the horizon still is of a lighter shade of blue. The stars are present and the moon is shining over me. I sit there and dream of her while I stare at the dark sky. I start dreaming in the moonlight. Wishing that she could be with me right now, out here in this quiet place where the scents bring back memories of times long ago. Wishing she would be here, lying in my arms while watching the sky. Whispering because we don’t want to break the silence but most of the time we are silent and listen to the distant sounds of the night. The moon would brighten the sky as we sit there enjoying each others company. Silently I would turn my head and tell her that I love her. Hoping that the moment would never end and that the night would never die. But this still is but a mere fantasy for now.
As I watch the stars form the patterns which are there since the beginning of times I think of the infinity of this all. Endless space with numerous planets and stars. Endless like my love for her, nothing will ever end this unconditional love. I feel happy while I’m sitting outside where the temperature is better than inside. Thinking of the only person which has been on my mind for the past few weeks. Even though she does love me there’s that little detail which I seem to forget on purpose. The fact that she has a difficult choice to make. One which will represent the outcome of this all. The choice which could make me happy until infinity or the one that could bring me down.
I have faith in her and I only want what’s the best for her even though it would mean for me to return to my old state of mind.
I love her so much that I just want her to be happy.
It’s time to go inside and get some sleep. There’s a long day ahead of me and I can’t wait to speak with her again. Hope to see her soon in my dreams…
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
Wondering
I’m still wondering why my life is so fucking bad…
I thought that maybe things were changing for the better lately. I felt so alive when I was talking with her and telling her very personal stuff.
But now the same question is bleeding on my arm once more: WHY. It feels like something indescribable. The stinging pain is present in the shallow cuts and the blood slowly comes out marking that one word. Call me crazy or insane but you’ll never understand why I’m doing this. A catharsis like I wrote in Pain isn’t enough, it liberated my thoughts but it didn’t change the pain that I felt in my heart. The physical pain that I feel now makes me come back to reality. It takes my mind off the things that hurt me mentally. Now I see that not everything is completely lost even though my mind tells me that I’ll never be happy. That I won’t stand a chance with her, even though I love her that much.
I wish that I had known this all earlier. But it wouldn’t have helped a lot, I still would love her as much as I do now. I’ve only known her for like 2 weeks but it doesn’t matter to me. She knows so much about me and I’m intrigued by her personality. All the similarities that we have in common, all the pain which we went through which was exactly the same. The same state of mind in a different person. A person that is so beautiful but doesn’t know it, or just doesn’t want to believe it. So closed in her own little world without anyone with who she feels completely at peace. Which understands her and supports her. Someone who would be there to hold her while she needs to let her emotions go. No one to be around her and make her feel loved without a word being said. Nobody who’s there every time that she needs them.
She’s searching for something that’s right in front of her but still there’s a problem. There are several possibilities. Most of us don’t have a choice in life and those people don’t know how lucky they are. There’s nothing more difficult than to choose between 2 people for whom someone has feelings. So damn frustrating, knowing that one of the two will be disappointed. The one will be happy while the other might be not so happy with the result. Or maybe so unhappy that he just breaks down completely. Wondering why he’s beaten down to the ground again. Nice guys finish last…
It’s hard to make a choice, it’s even harder to let one fall. It doesn’t matter who falls, it’s always hard. Especially when you had feelings for that person. What if I was the one who fell. Once more like I’ve been dropped down the steep ledge to crash down in the dirt. I would be more than devastated, considering that this is the very first time that I learned to love someone this intense on such a short notice. Yes, I would be totally broken. Restart from somewhere far below Zero because my self-image and feelings would be annihilated.
I wish I didn’t have to suffer like this. That she wouldn’t have to make a choice. For once no problems at all, but unfortunately things didn’t turn out to be that way.
Sometimes I wished that I wouldn’t feel love or mental pain at all. Just something like hate so that I could survive in this society. Something like vegeta must be, a cold rock which only takes care of himself. But then I would never experience love. And I would be alone for all eternity because nobody would like me. Even now people don’t really like me just because they don’t really know who I am. Why must I live life lonely?
Why do I live anyway? What will become of me? Where will all of this end???
Can somebody tell me???
Monday, June 10, 2002
Pain
What is it with this world that it won’t let me be happy? Why is everything always so complicated and unfair to FUCKING ME??? I’m so fucking sick of it. Why is it that I always come to find that I’m not the only one. There’s always someone else between me and my happiness. I’m so sick right now. Would like to grab something just to make the pain go away. Or cut my arm to forget all of this. Drown in a pool of physical pain instead of this mental pain. I hate my life!!! One day I believe I can take the world by myself but now I’m close to breaking down. So fast since I’ve met her. This is all so very new for me. I told her everything in just 2 weeks. Talked for hours with her letting her know my every thought. I didn’t hold anything back from her and spoke my mind. I didn’t lie to her and would do anything so she could be happy. I still would do anything in order for her to be happy, in spite of my own pain. It’s so fucked to be me.
Now I’m sitting here all alone in my bedroom, like I’ve always have been alone at moments like this. Wallow in my pain with nobody around. Trying to get a grip on myself or my pain but this time it doesn’t seem to go. Now I’m completely sure that I love her, before I had like a few seconds where I thought that my feelings might have been wrong, but the feeling of pain that I have now has certainly removed all doubt from my heart. It feels like my soul is shattered. I don’t blame her because it really is my own fault. Maybe I had too high hopes for us but still this doesn’t feel right. I can’t seem to stop crying, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? Pull me down and drown me before I do something stupid. Put me on some sort of narcotics before I take the knife from my desk. Pain created by anticipation? Maybe but it doesn’t really matter. I know that she said that she doesn’t want to chose right now and that still everything can become right but live has never been that good to me.
She will be taken away from me like everything else. I’ve already lost everything before and it seems like history repeats itself again. Why does it always happen to me? What the fuck did I do wrong to disserve all of this. Can’t anything go right, even if it were only for one time? Is that really too much to expect from life. Sadness kicked in my heart without an real reason. Why do I doubt everything around me. I feel so abandoned and alone, fucking nobody to hold me and everyone’s gone. Like it has always been.
This should be written in my down theory. But it’s not a theory it’s my life that has turned it’s back on me AGAIN. Why does everyone lie to me? Why does everyone make me believe that life is fucking beautiful while I’m sitting here like this? I’m so sick of myself. I just want to bleed, let the blood flow on the white carpet in my room. Why won’t the tears stop flowing, it’s already going on for almost 30 minutes…
I’m just so little, I’ll never reach what I want in my life. All I want life is to be happy. But I guess that dreams just don’t come true.
What do I tell the rest when I come down with my eyes still red from the tears (if the tears will have finally stopped, if’ they’ll ever stop). I’ll just tell them to fuck off and don’t ask. I don’t want them to interfere with my issues. That’s what my life is all about, fucking issues. I’m just a big 0, like I have always been.
Why must I go through all this? When tomorrow I’ll just see my friends again with their “happy” lives.
Will I ever pull down a trigger? I would love to do it but will I ever have the guts to really do it? As long as this pain would stop. I’d do anything.
Why do I love her so damn much? I know why but I just can’t explain. Just so damn special to me. But does she even know or understand…
I’ve really got some psychic problems. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I won’t see no shrink because he can only understand my problem but he can’t solve it. All the people who have wished me luck, all the people which try to gave me strength to carry on with this live. They all look so very distant and nothing they said seems to matter, nothing seems to help me out. The support I got from every human being that I know is not enough to keep me going. It seems so useless. I must look so seamless now. It’s getting darker outside as I sit here writing down my deepest feelings. I could wish for what I want but none of those wishes would come true. Everything would backfire. Karma doesn’t work, will it ever work? I don’t fucking think so.
Now where’s that knife, let me take it and make me forget myself for some time. Make me forget everything around me, everything that isn’t there. I’m so unhappy, I’ve been it for such a long time. Why, I always keep asking that same fucking question. WHY??? What has happened to me over these past years? I don’t want to remember most of it because it all brings back a mass of pain but all of that seems nothing compared with what I feel know.
I’ve just been broken. Broken by my own thoughts and pain. I love her so damn much. Why won’t anyone hear me???
Now I’m sitting here all alone in my bedroom, like I’ve always have been alone at moments like this. Wallow in my pain with nobody around. Trying to get a grip on myself or my pain but this time it doesn’t seem to go. Now I’m completely sure that I love her, before I had like a few seconds where I thought that my feelings might have been wrong, but the feeling of pain that I have now has certainly removed all doubt from my heart. It feels like my soul is shattered. I don’t blame her because it really is my own fault. Maybe I had too high hopes for us but still this doesn’t feel right. I can’t seem to stop crying, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? Pull me down and drown me before I do something stupid. Put me on some sort of narcotics before I take the knife from my desk. Pain created by anticipation? Maybe but it doesn’t really matter. I know that she said that she doesn’t want to chose right now and that still everything can become right but live has never been that good to me.
She will be taken away from me like everything else. I’ve already lost everything before and it seems like history repeats itself again. Why does it always happen to me? What the fuck did I do wrong to disserve all of this. Can’t anything go right, even if it were only for one time? Is that really too much to expect from life. Sadness kicked in my heart without an real reason. Why do I doubt everything around me. I feel so abandoned and alone, fucking nobody to hold me and everyone’s gone. Like it has always been.
This should be written in my down theory. But it’s not a theory it’s my life that has turned it’s back on me AGAIN. Why does everyone lie to me? Why does everyone make me believe that life is fucking beautiful while I’m sitting here like this? I’m so sick of myself. I just want to bleed, let the blood flow on the white carpet in my room. Why won’t the tears stop flowing, it’s already going on for almost 30 minutes…
I’m just so little, I’ll never reach what I want in my life. All I want life is to be happy. But I guess that dreams just don’t come true.
What do I tell the rest when I come down with my eyes still red from the tears (if the tears will have finally stopped, if’ they’ll ever stop). I’ll just tell them to fuck off and don’t ask. I don’t want them to interfere with my issues. That’s what my life is all about, fucking issues. I’m just a big 0, like I have always been.
Why must I go through all this? When tomorrow I’ll just see my friends again with their “happy” lives.
Will I ever pull down a trigger? I would love to do it but will I ever have the guts to really do it? As long as this pain would stop. I’d do anything.
Why do I love her so damn much? I know why but I just can’t explain. Just so damn special to me. But does she even know or understand…
I’ve really got some psychic problems. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I won’t see no shrink because he can only understand my problem but he can’t solve it. All the people who have wished me luck, all the people which try to gave me strength to carry on with this live. They all look so very distant and nothing they said seems to matter, nothing seems to help me out. The support I got from every human being that I know is not enough to keep me going. It seems so useless. I must look so seamless now. It’s getting darker outside as I sit here writing down my deepest feelings. I could wish for what I want but none of those wishes would come true. Everything would backfire. Karma doesn’t work, will it ever work? I don’t fucking think so.
Now where’s that knife, let me take it and make me forget myself for some time. Make me forget everything around me, everything that isn’t there. I’m so unhappy, I’ve been it for such a long time. Why, I always keep asking that same fucking question. WHY??? What has happened to me over these past years? I don’t want to remember most of it because it all brings back a mass of pain but all of that seems nothing compared with what I feel know.
I’ve just been broken. Broken by my own thoughts and pain. I love her so damn much. Why won’t anyone hear me???
Wednesday, June 5, 2002
Savior
It’s fucking strange. Now that I have just started with my exams an old feeling comes back to me. It was strange, at first I didn’t even know what the hell it was.
It all started when I met her, it was one big coincidence that she came across my site where she read some stuff of me. When I saw her notice I was pleasantly surprised to hear that there was another soul out there that felt exactly like me. Maybe not at the same time but in some occasions. When I read how she praised my ability to express exactly what I think, I was very flattered and I just added her to my normal contact-list so that I could get to know her better and to ask what she would think of future stuff that I would write. Of course I didn’t have a lot of time to chat with her online but when I got online I didn’t even had to look if she was there because she came to me before I could even look. Nobody else did that to me since a long time, and I have my internet for quite some time now. So I was always happy to talk to her. She resembles me in almost every way. The more I talked to her the more I started to like her. Without knowing it she became special to me in a way that nobody else has been special for me. I can’t explain it I guess, she’s just like a female version of me but a little bit altered and way cuter. But still I stand baffled that we are so alike. I still don’t know very much of her but there’s plenty of time in the future. I would know more if I didn’t have those fucked up exams which are keeping me busy lately.
Those last couple of days were different. I was chatting with her but I had this strange gut feeling, at first it felt like pain and I didn’t know why but then the next day the feeling was there again. And not only when I was chatting with her. Even when I was sitting at my desk studying I had that feeling and I couldn’t really concentrate. The pain started changing and now it became an strange feeling which didn’t really hurt me but it was just weird.
Weird because I knew the feeling but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it what it was. But it didn’t really matter at that moment because I was making my first exam. Still it bothered me when I got out of that big place. I just walked outside and saw two classmates and I just went with them. When one of them asked me why I was so happy, even after such an difficult exam, I realized what that feeling was.
I was astonished by the conclusion. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t recognize the same feeling that I had about a year ago. But as I came to think about it, the match was perfect.
I was in love…
I knew she meant something special for me, but I didn’t realize how much exactly. I had told her more about me those last past days than most people that I know know about me. I didn’t really know what to do. Hell I still don’t really know what to do. I already got the number of her cellular and we mailed but I don’t really know if I should tell her how I feel about her. What if the feeling wouldn’t be mutual. Or what if she just wants to be friends instead of lovers. I could go and fuck it all up just because I’m in love with her. I haven’t even met her in real life but that doesn’t really bother me. She understands me directly when I try to explain something, she agrees with my points of view. She doesn’t really try to change the way that I am. I’ve never met someone like her. Someone who lets me be the person who I really am. Even with the little dumb details. Maybe that ‘s just because she doesn’t really know me yet ,but still…
When I was watching the sky tonight in my room I was thinking of her. About what she would be doing at that moment. So I just sent her a little message to let her know that I was thinking about her. And about the way that I felt that moment all alone in my room. Told her that I didn’t want to live life lonely. Some time later I received a message from her in which she mentioned that she exactly knew what I meant. Was it a hint? Did she get my hint? I don’t know and I can only guess at this moment.
I don’t know what to do. Maybe if she reads this she’ll understand that it’s about her. But will she be able to let me know how she feels? Damn sometimes things can be difficult. Life’s so fucking hard, and that’s so fucking true.
It all started when I met her, it was one big coincidence that she came across my site where she read some stuff of me. When I saw her notice I was pleasantly surprised to hear that there was another soul out there that felt exactly like me. Maybe not at the same time but in some occasions. When I read how she praised my ability to express exactly what I think, I was very flattered and I just added her to my normal contact-list so that I could get to know her better and to ask what she would think of future stuff that I would write. Of course I didn’t have a lot of time to chat with her online but when I got online I didn’t even had to look if she was there because she came to me before I could even look. Nobody else did that to me since a long time, and I have my internet for quite some time now. So I was always happy to talk to her. She resembles me in almost every way. The more I talked to her the more I started to like her. Without knowing it she became special to me in a way that nobody else has been special for me. I can’t explain it I guess, she’s just like a female version of me but a little bit altered and way cuter. But still I stand baffled that we are so alike. I still don’t know very much of her but there’s plenty of time in the future. I would know more if I didn’t have those fucked up exams which are keeping me busy lately.
Those last couple of days were different. I was chatting with her but I had this strange gut feeling, at first it felt like pain and I didn’t know why but then the next day the feeling was there again. And not only when I was chatting with her. Even when I was sitting at my desk studying I had that feeling and I couldn’t really concentrate. The pain started changing and now it became an strange feeling which didn’t really hurt me but it was just weird.
Weird because I knew the feeling but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it what it was. But it didn’t really matter at that moment because I was making my first exam. Still it bothered me when I got out of that big place. I just walked outside and saw two classmates and I just went with them. When one of them asked me why I was so happy, even after such an difficult exam, I realized what that feeling was.
I was astonished by the conclusion. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t recognize the same feeling that I had about a year ago. But as I came to think about it, the match was perfect.
I was in love…
I knew she meant something special for me, but I didn’t realize how much exactly. I had told her more about me those last past days than most people that I know know about me. I didn’t really know what to do. Hell I still don’t really know what to do. I already got the number of her cellular and we mailed but I don’t really know if I should tell her how I feel about her. What if the feeling wouldn’t be mutual. Or what if she just wants to be friends instead of lovers. I could go and fuck it all up just because I’m in love with her. I haven’t even met her in real life but that doesn’t really bother me. She understands me directly when I try to explain something, she agrees with my points of view. She doesn’t really try to change the way that I am. I’ve never met someone like her. Someone who lets me be the person who I really am. Even with the little dumb details. Maybe that ‘s just because she doesn’t really know me yet ,but still…
When I was watching the sky tonight in my room I was thinking of her. About what she would be doing at that moment. So I just sent her a little message to let her know that I was thinking about her. And about the way that I felt that moment all alone in my room. Told her that I didn’t want to live life lonely. Some time later I received a message from her in which she mentioned that she exactly knew what I meant. Was it a hint? Did she get my hint? I don’t know and I can only guess at this moment.
I don’t know what to do. Maybe if she reads this she’ll understand that it’s about her. But will she be able to let me know how she feels? Damn sometimes things can be difficult. Life’s so fucking hard, and that’s so fucking true.
Sunday, June 2, 2002
Down Theory
There was a time when I was happy, and by that I mean really happy. It was when I was just a k|d, a little guy that didn’t know anything of life. Everyday was the same, simplicity was the game I played. It was fun to live and go to school every day, where all your friends were. Where you just played soccer every break, where you always had fun. ALWAYS… It didn’t matter what weather it was. It didn’t matter what happened in the real world out there. We were protected by our ignorance. Ignorance kept us happy.
Now I know that the whole world is based on pain. Nothing’s real but pain. Everyday I experience it again. I’m not blind anymore, I see it all around me. Places I have never heard of before are mentioned in the news with stories about the suffering people. Confronted with the thing that keeps the globe going. The pain is surrounding us everyday. You just have to open your eyes to see it. The small signs tell stories of agony and misery. Every morning someone wakes up and wishes he didn’t live. Someone gets up and tries to forget himself by taking some pills. People erase themselves from the very lives they're living. Others mutilate themselves and leave scars which will never be forgotten. Scars in their flesh but also in their mind. Nobody likes it when the truth is said. Everybody thinks pain isn’t present all around us, they think it’s just something that happens somewhere else with only a few strange people for whom they don’t feel sympathy. Small pain can lead to suicide. It happens more often then you think. People who can’t stand to live with the things which they have been through. Ashamed to go on like they’re doing, ashamed of something that other people don’t know. In their silence they are oppressed by the pain which is hidden to the people around. Most people won’t notice it as long as they can keep their mouth shut. But those situations are unbearable, sooner or later something will snap. When it does another body can be buried in the dirt where we all will end up. Leaving the others in question, nobody knows why they took their own lives. But when they do know they feel worse than when they wouldn’t have known. Ignorance is bliss.
It’s so strange how the smallest problems can have such an impact on persons. A simple remark can destroy lives. Everybody reacts different on things that happen to them. The one is weaker than the other and can’t stand as much punishment as life gives us all. One will smile it away while the other is weeping in a corner away from others to see. Most of the times the solution to their problems isn’t so big and the solutions are quite simple but they can’t really seem to find it. Some of them cry for help. And when they get it everything is fine. It’s ridiculous that some people don’t seem to know how to solve their own shit they got themselves in.
And then there are the people who blame themselves in everything they fail while it’s not always like that. It’s easy to blame oneself instead of having to point a finger. When you point your finger to someone you think that got you the problems you have to change your whole attitude towards that person but in some cases that person is someone who they care about. So they blame themselves and think that the problem will be solved pretty quickly like that. Nothing is further from the truth. The more one blames himself, the worse they will feel as they continue doing it. It’s not good even though it’s the easy way out.
Conflicts within oneself is always something that creates an certain amount of pain. When one isn’t happy with himself it’s only a small step to start comparing to other people. And when one like that starts comparing with standards in this fucked society there’s no way that he or she will feel better by him- or herself. Everywhere around us are role-models of something that almost nobody can achieve. Media try to make people think that they can buy happiness by using that product or living that lifestyle. Subsequently people start to believe it, as long that the message is repeated over and over again, people will fall for the trap. It’s not pretty to see but even society tries to make us believe that it’s not to bad to live our lives the way that we do. Consuming what is unnecessary and buying total worthless shit. But does it make us happy? Will it make everything better when you lost somebody? Will it replace love that faded a long time ago? Is ignorance really bliss???
It’s painful just to come to find that my whole life is a lie. Always making people believe that I’m the happy guy on the block. That nothing can make me cry. Solid like a rock, trustful as nobody else and always ready to help somebody out. Even a rock can split, trust isn’t always easy to remain and sometimes even I don’t know what to do. I’m not perfect and I never will be. I’m not happy and it doesn’t seem like I’ll be happy ever again. Pain seems to come but never leave. It just keeps on coming while I try to get rid of the pain that I feel. I can’t be the ever happy guy which everyone can call when they need it. I hate myself for living the way that I do now. I try so hard to be happy but it’s not working out. There’s always something in the way. If it’s not a very close friend that is in deep shit for whom I feel bad than it’s something completely else. Why is it that I can’t find love? What is it that makes me so fucking ugly…
It’s so fucking frustrating. Seeing life laughing in my fucking face while I’m on my knees. I’m not giving in though. A big fuck you keeps me in reality. Everyday again I tell myself to fuck off while I feel the need to contemplate suicide. No place for that in my mind. It just makes me worse than I am already and I’m not ready to take the easy way out. I won’t give in to life and reality. Even thought it’s hard to live with the insult which is my life I still don’t want to give up the few things that I have achieved.
Why is it that several people think I’m cool, that I’m cute? Why do people say that I have one of the purest hearts that they’ve ever seen? Why am I rated so fucking positive when I can’t even seem to see it myself. When I look in the mirror I just see another ugly motherfucker like there are plenty more. How the fuck can that be different to other people? While the whole society judges you on the two seconds they see your outside before them.I Despise those people which judge me on what they see while they don’t really care about the person within. Ignorance is what they choose…
What about the past for me. I came to find that the most pain comes from relationships gone bad. The fall is always a bitch. It’s not so hard to fall when you’re really in love with someone you totally trust. And I can assure you that the fall will be steep and painful. The last times that I was lucky enough to enjoy the short moments of love I felt it quite often. Just because they thought a month with me was long enough. So they just let me fall. Even though they don’t really mean to hurt me they still do. All the sorry feelings in the world can’t help it go away.
Every time again when I was in a relationship I thought it was something special. Something that wouldn’t go away, that she would actually love me for the rest of her life. So they always told me, I love you forever, I’ll never leave you and all that bullshit. But, foolish as I was, I always believed them. Perhaps because I wanted to believe them. Every time again I found out that they couldn’t make it true. Every time I was dropped down that little hole down that leads to depression. I loved it when I was with them, and I was even happy. But once it was over I came to find the real me, the person that I am now. Love is nothing but one big lie. And I hate being lied to. Every time I said I’d love them forever I meant it. But it wasn’t mutual, I’ve should have known. It sickens me to be dumped but every time I forgave them and blamed myself. Just because I didn’t want to make it to hard for them so I tried to forget my feelings as fast as possible, which wasn’t so easy at times. So I carry on with life while I carry the burden of every past relationship I’ve been in. Reminding the past memories just brings back the pain they’ve caused me but I can’t help but to reminisce about it. It’s part of my life so I just can’t forget about it even thought the pain is incredible. It’s a contradiction but I would almost give anything to be happy with someone who I love. But like I said it seems so very impossible.
Why should I go on like this? Sometimes I’m sitting in my room asking myself that question. I would do it for my friends, especially for Joris because he’s the best friend I can imagine. But that would actually be the only reason why. It’s sad as I come to think about it and come to that conclusion. So depressing to live my life. So fucking depressing to see almost all of my friends happy with their girl- or boyfriend. Seeing them being happy and so fucking all in my face. Everywhere I’m reminded of it by all those happy couples. Even the most fucked individuals, the most ugly assholes that have walked this globe had a fucking relationship, the bitches that were like snakes crawled around with their men like it was nothing. And still I’m sitting here in this funny joke which life just told. It doesn’t matter anyway because we’re all just mere liars in this life or any other life that we should live. Lying for our own benefice while we screw with other people which actually just do the same thing.
Life’s not beautiful at all when you think about it, it’s all just misery because of other people which hurt you.
Now I know that the whole world is based on pain. Nothing’s real but pain. Everyday I experience it again. I’m not blind anymore, I see it all around me. Places I have never heard of before are mentioned in the news with stories about the suffering people. Confronted with the thing that keeps the globe going. The pain is surrounding us everyday. You just have to open your eyes to see it. The small signs tell stories of agony and misery. Every morning someone wakes up and wishes he didn’t live. Someone gets up and tries to forget himself by taking some pills. People erase themselves from the very lives they're living. Others mutilate themselves and leave scars which will never be forgotten. Scars in their flesh but also in their mind. Nobody likes it when the truth is said. Everybody thinks pain isn’t present all around us, they think it’s just something that happens somewhere else with only a few strange people for whom they don’t feel sympathy. Small pain can lead to suicide. It happens more often then you think. People who can’t stand to live with the things which they have been through. Ashamed to go on like they’re doing, ashamed of something that other people don’t know. In their silence they are oppressed by the pain which is hidden to the people around. Most people won’t notice it as long as they can keep their mouth shut. But those situations are unbearable, sooner or later something will snap. When it does another body can be buried in the dirt where we all will end up. Leaving the others in question, nobody knows why they took their own lives. But when they do know they feel worse than when they wouldn’t have known. Ignorance is bliss.
It’s so strange how the smallest problems can have such an impact on persons. A simple remark can destroy lives. Everybody reacts different on things that happen to them. The one is weaker than the other and can’t stand as much punishment as life gives us all. One will smile it away while the other is weeping in a corner away from others to see. Most of the times the solution to their problems isn’t so big and the solutions are quite simple but they can’t really seem to find it. Some of them cry for help. And when they get it everything is fine. It’s ridiculous that some people don’t seem to know how to solve their own shit they got themselves in.
And then there are the people who blame themselves in everything they fail while it’s not always like that. It’s easy to blame oneself instead of having to point a finger. When you point your finger to someone you think that got you the problems you have to change your whole attitude towards that person but in some cases that person is someone who they care about. So they blame themselves and think that the problem will be solved pretty quickly like that. Nothing is further from the truth. The more one blames himself, the worse they will feel as they continue doing it. It’s not good even though it’s the easy way out.
Conflicts within oneself is always something that creates an certain amount of pain. When one isn’t happy with himself it’s only a small step to start comparing to other people. And when one like that starts comparing with standards in this fucked society there’s no way that he or she will feel better by him- or herself. Everywhere around us are role-models of something that almost nobody can achieve. Media try to make people think that they can buy happiness by using that product or living that lifestyle. Subsequently people start to believe it, as long that the message is repeated over and over again, people will fall for the trap. It’s not pretty to see but even society tries to make us believe that it’s not to bad to live our lives the way that we do. Consuming what is unnecessary and buying total worthless shit. But does it make us happy? Will it make everything better when you lost somebody? Will it replace love that faded a long time ago? Is ignorance really bliss???
It’s painful just to come to find that my whole life is a lie. Always making people believe that I’m the happy guy on the block. That nothing can make me cry. Solid like a rock, trustful as nobody else and always ready to help somebody out. Even a rock can split, trust isn’t always easy to remain and sometimes even I don’t know what to do. I’m not perfect and I never will be. I’m not happy and it doesn’t seem like I’ll be happy ever again. Pain seems to come but never leave. It just keeps on coming while I try to get rid of the pain that I feel. I can’t be the ever happy guy which everyone can call when they need it. I hate myself for living the way that I do now. I try so hard to be happy but it’s not working out. There’s always something in the way. If it’s not a very close friend that is in deep shit for whom I feel bad than it’s something completely else. Why is it that I can’t find love? What is it that makes me so fucking ugly…
It’s so fucking frustrating. Seeing life laughing in my fucking face while I’m on my knees. I’m not giving in though. A big fuck you keeps me in reality. Everyday again I tell myself to fuck off while I feel the need to contemplate suicide. No place for that in my mind. It just makes me worse than I am already and I’m not ready to take the easy way out. I won’t give in to life and reality. Even thought it’s hard to live with the insult which is my life I still don’t want to give up the few things that I have achieved.
Why is it that several people think I’m cool, that I’m cute? Why do people say that I have one of the purest hearts that they’ve ever seen? Why am I rated so fucking positive when I can’t even seem to see it myself. When I look in the mirror I just see another ugly motherfucker like there are plenty more. How the fuck can that be different to other people? While the whole society judges you on the two seconds they see your outside before them.I Despise those people which judge me on what they see while they don’t really care about the person within. Ignorance is what they choose…
What about the past for me. I came to find that the most pain comes from relationships gone bad. The fall is always a bitch. It’s not so hard to fall when you’re really in love with someone you totally trust. And I can assure you that the fall will be steep and painful. The last times that I was lucky enough to enjoy the short moments of love I felt it quite often. Just because they thought a month with me was long enough. So they just let me fall. Even though they don’t really mean to hurt me they still do. All the sorry feelings in the world can’t help it go away.
Every time again when I was in a relationship I thought it was something special. Something that wouldn’t go away, that she would actually love me for the rest of her life. So they always told me, I love you forever, I’ll never leave you and all that bullshit. But, foolish as I was, I always believed them. Perhaps because I wanted to believe them. Every time again I found out that they couldn’t make it true. Every time I was dropped down that little hole down that leads to depression. I loved it when I was with them, and I was even happy. But once it was over I came to find the real me, the person that I am now. Love is nothing but one big lie. And I hate being lied to. Every time I said I’d love them forever I meant it. But it wasn’t mutual, I’ve should have known. It sickens me to be dumped but every time I forgave them and blamed myself. Just because I didn’t want to make it to hard for them so I tried to forget my feelings as fast as possible, which wasn’t so easy at times. So I carry on with life while I carry the burden of every past relationship I’ve been in. Reminding the past memories just brings back the pain they’ve caused me but I can’t help but to reminisce about it. It’s part of my life so I just can’t forget about it even thought the pain is incredible. It’s a contradiction but I would almost give anything to be happy with someone who I love. But like I said it seems so very impossible.
Why should I go on like this? Sometimes I’m sitting in my room asking myself that question. I would do it for my friends, especially for Joris because he’s the best friend I can imagine. But that would actually be the only reason why. It’s sad as I come to think about it and come to that conclusion. So depressing to live my life. So fucking depressing to see almost all of my friends happy with their girl- or boyfriend. Seeing them being happy and so fucking all in my face. Everywhere I’m reminded of it by all those happy couples. Even the most fucked individuals, the most ugly assholes that have walked this globe had a fucking relationship, the bitches that were like snakes crawled around with their men like it was nothing. And still I’m sitting here in this funny joke which life just told. It doesn’t matter anyway because we’re all just mere liars in this life or any other life that we should live. Lying for our own benefice while we screw with other people which actually just do the same thing.
Life’s not beautiful at all when you think about it, it’s all just misery because of other people which hurt you.
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