The Inability To Change

Life’s too short to be sad or angry. And yet I find myself in the same place every day.

Knowledge and the ability to act accordingly aren’t self-evident. Words can be passed on from one person to another. Trying to solve one’s problems. Attempting to clarify one’s feelings when unable to understand them. It seems easier to explain when you know what to do or say. But the words spoken still have to be received and put into practice.

I do know what’s wrong with this life of mine. And I know that I should try to be happy and joyful. I should be enjoying every aspect of every day, the simple things in life. And I should leave all my worries and troubles behind. Time is temporary and flees all around us. The moment you just feel passing by will never return. You should be enjoying every one of them. Embrace it all while you have it: your youth, friends, loved ones, health, family and so much more. One moment it’s here and you’ll never know where it might all go tomorrow.

It all sounds so very natural but if you look around you you’ll realize that reality doesn’t work that way. So many people are unhappy and killing themselves because they can’t seem to find a better way of going on in their lives. A majority of them could be helped with some proper counselling and help from the outside world. But then there’s still a group of people that can be given as much advice as possible but still won’t be helped. Part of them doesn’t want to be helped and other just can’t be helped until they find what they seek.

And that’s where I’m right now. I’ve always been open to any help from my friends and people around me but it’s been almost 2 years since I’ve felt actually completely at ease. Time just keeps on passing by and as hard as I try, all efforts seem to be in vain. There have been times where I just didn’t care and went on quite apathetically. But that isn’t where I belong. I tried to carry on with life. I have changed so much in those 2 years. Almost every aspect of my being has undergone quite a evolution. Not all for the better but one can only try.
In all that time I became finally satisfied with the person that I am. I had shed my old skin and grew to somebody quite different. But somewhere deep down it still seemed there were some things that still didn’t fit.

As much as I had changed for the better it just seemed that nobody but me cared. I was trying to find someone who I could rely on. When I turned to some of my best friends they all assured me that there was nothing wrong with me and that I just seemed to be (I won’t be using perfect because of the irrationality of that term) or have very good qualities in many ways. If that was the case why didn’t anybody care for me? Why did every person that I met just look at me as an interesting person to have as a friend? I had been looking for a place where I belong but I just couldn’t find it with anyone.
I couldn’t grasp the paradox behind this all. How could I not find anybody when I’m not all that bad? It’s just mind-boggling if you think it through. You change your every aspect just to find that nobody really cares.
You look all around you and see so many happy people. People you know who shouldn’t be as happy as they are right now, just because of the things that they pull on the people they love. People who look less attractive as yourself but still have found love and happiness. Complete assholes that still come home to their girlfriend and enjoy the company. I just can’t get behind that.

Of course I couldn’t just sit by and do nothing about it. So I tried to go out and meet new people. Tried to make new connections in hope of finding what I’m looking for. I’ve been to parties, bars, social events and that kind of things but every time again I found myself alone in the end. Just nobody cared to even just throw a look upon me. Nobody seemed interested or even attempted to establish contact. Even when I tried get anywhere it all ended up in nothing at all. All of this wasn’t really conducive for my self-esteem.

Is this karma of some sort and where did I go wrong? What’s the horrible thing that I did that I disserved all of this? All these voices that go around in my head just leave me feeling hopeless. Nothing makes sense… I have so many things and yet I feel hollow. All my friends are always there to support me but they can’t actually help me.
This inability to change my point of view just makes it worse every day. Once in a while I have a clear moment in which I’m reminded of the beauty of this life. But often they last only a couple of minutes before reality strikes me again. All efforts in vain, it all comes down to the fact that everyone for whom I had felt something more could not feel the same. Some of them I told them straight on but others still don’t know to this day.

Somehow I keep carrying on while some parts of my being just gave up on achieving happiness. It’s not easy at all but I couldn’t let all my friends down by giving up this life that I’ve led for 22 years. Every passing day I can see an image of myself. Clearer everyday how I will end up. I can imagine how I will end my life all alone, without anybody around me. It’s a scary thought to go through life alone. When all else has failed where will my life lead me? Which scars will show me how I’ve lived? Who would have cared?
Will I look back at the opportunities that I have had in regret or just keep the bright sides in my heart? It’s hard to tell when I realize that I’ve been quite numb for the past years.
Time will tell I guess, as the moments pass…

Yhms

I have learned so much over the past last months. I’ve seen things I never thought I’d live to see. I’ve felt things that I never wanted to feel. I’ve missed things that I want so badly.

I was lost during the long year. Now I understand why and all doubt that had lived in me has vanished. I finally found out all my fears were unreal. I was never unloved and always in her heart, even though it wasn’t clear at the time…
I can’t say how much it hurt to hear that she had still loved me for all that time. Knowing that all that time was lost, time which we should have spent happy. But things aren’t always easy to achieve. I understand why she did the things she did. I don’t blame her for the things that happened. I forgave her a long time ago in my heart.

I’m not without blame though. Like I said I was lost for so long. Felt alone for an eternity and because of that I misjudged the whole situation. Once I thought we were through I mourned. Mourned so long until one day I saw that she was really gone (or so it seemed). I sat in solitude and opened my mind to other people. Tried to find someone who would keep me company, someone to eventually start over with. When I thought I had found that person I just tried to open my heart. Poured my trust in her and hoped to gain the things that I searched for. In the beginning it all seemed fine and jolly. But somehow it all turned sour. 1 evening filled me with doubt, made me look further and I started to compare. The conclusion was clear even though not easy to face. I had to make a choice between the 2 people I love most in my live. It wasn’t like I had to forsake 1 of them but it was a hard choice. A choice between a future and a past… After having contemplated it carefully I came to the conclusion that this future I was trying to achieve was going nowhere. The things I hoped to find in that girl seemed to be non-existent. I gained no trust and she kind of had forsaken mine. We had a different view of what we were doing together and it just didn’t feel right. It felt loveless…
And on the other hand I found the one which I left. The person that probably needed me the most of the 2. She was suffering badly and after all the things she had told me about the year that we had lost just blew me away. I had no idea…

So we started to rediscover communication. It felt kind of weird to get to know her all over again. It was like she had changed into another person. But then again, so had I. The conversations we had exceeded the ones we had in the past. They surpassed them in every way. They were deep, lasted for hours and were really important to me. Slowly we started to hang out again. Started doing the things we liked. Looking at each other with a sense of nostalgia, but yet in some kind of new way.
Every time we do things together I feel at ease. I’m falling in love with her all over again. The love that had diminished over the course of that long year is growing every passing day. Every day a small piece adds to my once emptied heart. It gives me hope that maybe one day we might be together again. It won’t be the same as it used to be but we can work on it.
That’s how I feel every time when I hold her in my arms. As she lies there with her head rested on my lap, gently falling asleep. Yet not all her problems have been solved but if we can only talk about them then maybe we can find some way out for her. Even if she should choose not to start over with me, I’d still be there for her. And I’ll always be (believe me)…
But for now I take things slowly, don’t want to rush anything. I will accept the things that come my way. And hope that I can make the best of it.