Confusingly Insecure

There are so many questions running through my head. Wondering what you meant by the words you said the other night. So many words become hurtful in some way. The more I think about it the more I realize that nothing’s solved. It seems like I’m on a swan dive in slow motion, face down to the concrete. Seeing what’s coming but refusing to let go and give up on us.

I’ve spoken with the best of my friends, explained them what was going on. Telling them how I felt, letting go of all my secrets. Exposed myself in a way that I never did before except for her. She’s the one that inflicts this all on me, the one who loves me but doesn’t know what she wants or how to live the life she’s struggling with. I concede that it’s partially my fault. The problems she’s struggling with are related to me in some way but yet she tries to protect me from taking my blame.

It all started with her going to high school. That first day at her new school went completely wrong. Nobody she knew, so she thought that nobody cared. Felt like an outcast in a room full of strangers, betrayed by the empty promises she had heard before. And so it all continued, turning her into the insecure person that I see now. Scared of being real and giving in to expectations of other people. Trying to please everyone while not really knowing who she is. Or am I wrong? Does she exactly know why she does the things that she does? Meanwhile she was slowly forgetting about me. The love that once was ours was fading even though I was trying to prevent this all from happening. Apparently it was out of the question that I would succeed. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough or maybe it was just all in vain. She kept on pushing me aside. Giving me excuses which I kept believing. I kept on supporting her life in every aspect. I put myself aside just so she could do what she wanted. I only wanted her to be happy but I’ve failed in every aspect. I lost her love and now she’s gone, gone forever as nothing will ever be the same. We’ll be good friends for sure but all my future plans have left on the ever changing winds of time. Everything I dreamed of has been taken away and now I stand here with no hope and dreams. I’m cold inside and I don’t seem to care. I’ve shed my tears and gained a renewed feeling of insecurity. I felt so confused the past months, always paranoia, wondering what I did wrong and why everything went wrong. Wondered if it was all my fault and what I could’ve done to prevent this. She said it isn’t my fault and took the blame for herself but I don’t believe her entirely. I’ve suffered so much these last months and I wished for things to turn around for the best but Life never gives you what you want.

So now I stand alone. Wishing for someone to take me in from the cold and just take me and hold me, shielding me from all of this pain that still lies in me. No one knows but it hurts, it hurts so bad to know that it’s all over and nothing will become like it used to be. Lost all my dreams and saw my hope disappear into nothing.

I feel so alone.

I just want to die now…

God here I go again. I need some time…

Confused

There’s been so much on my mind… I’ve been thinking for so long. So much interpretations and yet I’m searching in the pitch-black dark for the answers. I can’t seem to find them and you won’t give them to me. It’s been a while since everything started changing. I understood that it was important for you to take these studies seriously and devote yourself to all the work. And I understood that we would see each other less often but I never imagined it coming this far. Since we had our driving licences there was no more issue of distance and we studying in the same city seemed like a dream coming true. It all looked really promising but it never turned out the way I had hoped to. I wished every day that I would see you in Ghent but the disillusion was hard. Our hours didn’t fit and our schools were on the other end of town. I still skipped some classes just to be with you. To enjoy your smile and hang out, going for lunch at the Hema and walk around in town. I didn’t notice it at first but it looked as if you were drifting away from me. Around December I wasn’t allowed to sleep over in the weekends anymore which I still understood because I was thinking of your upcoming exams. I thought that everything would turn back to normal once those exams were finished. How wrong I was… Suddenly we saw each other once a week for a couple of hours if we were lucky. I still was deprived of rest with you and it always seemed that you wanted to avoid physical contact with me. You never held me anymore and we only kissed when we would saw and left each other. There was no more sexual relationship because there was no time or place for it. It went on for 9 months now and the doubt that resided in me just kept growing. Do you still love me? Or is it fading away like the sunshine after a beautiful day? I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this all. But I’ve never found the right place or time and I’m afraid of what you might say. If only I knew how you’re feeling. If only you would speak your mind and tell me what’s going on in your mind. Now it’s vacation for both of us and still you’re so busy with lots of different stuff and there’s still little or no time for us to be together. Where do we go from here? I refuse to give up on this relationship. What else can I do anything else than fight until my final breath for someone like you. I’d wait until the end of time just to be with you. Patience is a virtue, it’s hard but you get back what you put in…

Maybe I’ll have the courage one day to talk to you about all this. And hopefully we carry on from there to the bright future. The new sunset…

Suffocated

It’s been too long since I last wrote my thoughts down.

It seems that my life has encountered some problems. I could say even more, it seems that I have become my own problem.

When I look back on past times… It all seems so damn perfect. All was nice and easy, there were no concerns and we could do what we wanted to. So very much in love and didn’t care about what all the rest thought. Nothing mattered and as long we were together. We were longing for every moment that we would meet again. Unfortunately some things have changed while others remained. I still know I long for each moment I’m with you. Each time I’m somewhere else without you I’m trying not to suffocate. But every time again it seems my breath’s running out. I miss you every day and there’s not a day that passes without you crossing my mind several times. I’ve always treasured you even though sometimes it didn’t seem like that. You were the one that saved me from myself and still I’m grateful for what you’ve done. You see, I still love you as much as I did in the beginning. There’s nothing that’ll change that.

But as I said time has changed some things that have become some problems. I guess my biggest problem is myself. There are some things about me that aren’t really right. Some habits shouldn’t be as some