I don’t know what is happening with my head these last weeks. Everything went by quite normaly and all of the sudden I’m having dreams with the 2 people who have reigned my emotional life for a vast amount of time.
And I find it strange because of the fact that they both entered my dreams in a very short period of time.
Does this all mean anything? Does it shine some light on something that’s not right in my life? Can I even consider it meaningful in any way??? This poses a lot of questions that i’m dying to answer but I’m still searching for answers myself. I got enough time to think at work and as I go out for a walk. There are some things of which I think could be related to the appearance of both Lily and Britt.
First of all the fact that they had both the greatest impact on my personal and relational life. I’ve loved them both intensely much and I always have since the first time I discovered my feelings for them. And I’ve always longed for them as well, as well physicaly as emotionaly. So maybe it’s not that unnatural to find that on a deeper level I still have strong feelings for them. Even though I barely hear or see them...
It all started with a dream about L, it seemed that she wasn’t happy and felt lonely so I comforted her as well as I could. It was quite intense as I held her in my arms trying to take away her pain. In the end we ended up kissing and I think it was about that time when I woke up. This could mean that I still feel sorry that I never really had the opportunity to say goodbye on a decent way with one last kiss. I do admit that it still bothers me but there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. And maybe even on a deeper level I just want her to tell me that she still misses me on some level. But I doubt that she does...
It is true what is said. You never really get over your first true love and this said after all this time that past between now and that fatal day on december 17th ’04 means a whole damn lot. And all that I’ve just realized the last year. I loved her way more than B and that’s not really a surprise. If only she would’ve known and believed that. But I guess it’s way too late to regret all that again. I’ve lived so much pain because of her and anticipated so much for an reunion in the months after the ending with B. I’ll always miss her and so it’s not peculiar to find her again in my dreams.
On the other side there was this dream about B. It wasn’t really a special dream of some kind but I just found it weird to dream of her a few days after my dream of L. It just filled me with an series of emotions, mostly nostalgic. She’s the one that had me entwined with her life for such a long time. I’ve suffered so insanely much for her that I took everything of her in my heart. I’ve helped her out on so many occasions and she had helped me to get over Elke back at high school. I can’t deny that I feel a great love and desire for her as she has starred in many of my fantasies in the course of the years. And here there’s one saying that applies best: the more you suffer the more it shows you really care. I have or had this deep love for her but she kept on disapointing me on so many different occasions. It was always hard to be in love with her but in some way it was worth it. I may not have loved her as much and deep as L but she’s certainly earned that second place with ease.
The analysis of this all has led me to a finding which has filled me with a lot of mixed emotions and I’m still searching for a satisfying solution. I’ll write on this soon in another attempt to clarify what’s in my mind.
I just want to end with this last sentence...
Sometimes I wish my live just hadn’t gone the way it went and I regret that I mean this.
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