1826 Days

Five years to the day since that day.

Five years ago, a day that changed the course of my thoughts and my life.
It actually started a few weeks earlier but I still remember the official day when I had a relationship with Lily. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the 8th of july...
Now it does look like an eternity ago when first we met through asl.to and all the hours spent getting to know eachother. How new and exciting it was to have somebody who was really interested in my person. I had prayed for so long for someone to come and relieve my battered soul from pain of all kinds. Someone to make me forget about all the difficult times I had lived through.
She made my life beautiful as she entered my world. She changed me completely and brought up the things within me which I never expected to find. I’d sacrifice everything for her just in order to be with her and see her smile. I never experienced another love that was as deep and meaningful to me as hers. And I can say that my feelings were mutual in the least.

It’s been five years... Of which unfortunately I have only spent 2,5 years with her. I never wanted that to end and neither did she. But it seemed that it just wasn’t meant to be. That one test proved to be too much for my mind and after a small year of suffering and questions in my head I folded and crashed.
I thought it would all be for the better and I just wanted to feel again like someone loved me and was there for me. Because that was what she did. In everything we shared I felt so much love and understanding. She had taken me in and couldn’t bear to go on without me. I never could understand back then. But now five years later it brings me to tears to look back. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever feel that same way again.
I always said I didn’t have any regrets and I was grateful for the times I had but in the back of my mind it never left me. There was always something that was gnawing at me. A regret of me being to weak to understand what she had really been going through when she felt as bad as she did. A regret which blamed me for being to egocentrical to understand and see. I was the person of who I thought could help everybody out of their problems because I had lived through so many different things myself. And I never stopped and thought of the fact that I could be wrong and that it could go wrong because of my own stupid fault.
I think I was blind to see.

Five years...
What could have been if I hadn’t failed and we were still together? Where would we be standing now?
I can’t bring myself to think about it too much because it would hurt too much to comprehend. I’d be so much further on the road of independence and wouldn’t be limping behind of other friends which have been living together for so many years already.
But then again. Who could say what would have happened in those five years. Everything is possible and nothing lasts forever, even how much you want it to...

Still I can’t help it but to remember those early summer days five years ago. How we spent much time together online. And how we first met at the swimming pool. How surprised I was to see her for the first time and to think how lucky I actually was. And that was only the beginning. It was all a little new and we still had a lot to get to know of eachother. But there was this undeniable spark which had fueled my urge to see her again. I remember the first time I went over to her place. On a greyish rainy day on my bike. Where we met up at the baby corner and how we rode up to her house for the first time. How we sat in her room talking and how I played with her fingers while we just lay there. The feeling of inner peace and comfort was overwhelming like nothing I have ever had the opportunity to enjoy. There was no more rest of the world that afternoon. I soaked it all up in my deepest regions of the heart. Only letting it out when I’m feeling really down and alone. It still warms me to think about it.

The weeks after that were just more of the same. All the times she came over to my house while my parents weren’t home were simply unimaginable. Just being with her gave me wings...

And that’s all 1826 days ago.

How will I ever be able to have those same feelings again? It seems like love has lost it’s intensity. Nothing will ever feel like that again, or so it seems.

Maybe I should open up more. Maybe I should really get some closure on this all...

But how can I ever get over a first love like that?