Yhms

I have learned so much over the past last months. I’ve seen things I never thought I’d live to see. I’ve felt things that I never wanted to feel. I’ve missed things that I want so badly.

I was lost during the long year. Now I understand why and all doubt that had lived in me has vanished. I finally found out all my fears were unreal. I was never unloved and always in her heart, even though it wasn’t clear at the time…
I can’t say how much it hurt to hear that she had still loved me for all that time. Knowing that all that time was lost, time which we should have spent happy. But things aren’t always easy to achieve. I understand why she did the things she did. I don’t blame her for the things that happened. I forgave her a long time ago in my heart.

I’m not without blame though. Like I said I was lost for so long. Felt alone for an eternity and because of that I misjudged the whole situation. Once I thought we were through I mourned. Mourned so long until one day I saw that she was really gone (or so it seemed). I sat in solitude and opened my mind to other people. Tried to find someone who would keep me company, someone to eventually start over with. When I thought I had found that person I just tried to open my heart. Poured my trust in her and hoped to gain the things that I searched for. In the beginning it all seemed fine and jolly. But somehow it all turned sour. 1 evening filled me with doubt, made me look further and I started to compare. The conclusion was clear even though not easy to face. I had to make a choice between the 2 people I love most in my live. It wasn’t like I had to forsake 1 of them but it was a hard choice. A choice between a future and a past… After having contemplated it carefully I came to the conclusion that this future I was trying to achieve was going nowhere. The things I hoped to find in that girl seemed to be non-existent. I gained no trust and she kind of had forsaken mine. We had a different view of what we were doing together and it just didn’t feel right. It felt loveless…
And on the other hand I found the one which I left. The person that probably needed me the most of the 2. She was suffering badly and after all the things she had told me about the year that we had lost just blew me away. I had no idea…

So we started to rediscover communication. It felt kind of weird to get to know her all over again. It was like she had changed into another person. But then again, so had I. The conversations we had exceeded the ones we had in the past. They surpassed them in every way. They were deep, lasted for hours and were really important to me. Slowly we started to hang out again. Started doing the things we liked. Looking at each other with a sense of nostalgia, but yet in some kind of new way.
Every time we do things together I feel at ease. I’m falling in love with her all over again. The love that had diminished over the course of that long year is growing every passing day. Every day a small piece adds to my once emptied heart. It gives me hope that maybe one day we might be together again. It won’t be the same as it used to be but we can work on it.
That’s how I feel every time when I hold her in my arms. As she lies there with her head rested on my lap, gently falling asleep. Yet not all her problems have been solved but if we can only talk about them then maybe we can find some way out for her. Even if she should choose not to start over with me, I’d still be there for her. And I’ll always be (believe me)…
But for now I take things slowly, don’t want to rush anything. I will accept the things that come my way. And hope that I can make the best of it.