Confusingly Insecure

There are so many questions running through my head. Wondering what you meant by the words you said the other night. So many words become hurtful in some way. The more I think about it the more I realize that nothing’s solved. It seems like I’m on a swan dive in slow motion, face down to the concrete. Seeing what’s coming but refusing to let go and give up on us.

I’ve spoken with the best of my friends, explained them what was going on. Telling them how I felt, letting go of all my secrets. Exposed myself in a way that I never did before except for her. She’s the one that inflicts this all on me, the one who loves me but doesn’t know what she wants or how to live the life she’s struggling with. I concede that it’s partially my fault. The problems she’s struggling with are related to me in some way but yet she tries to protect me from taking my blame.

It all started with her going to high school. That first day at her new school went completely wrong. Nobody she knew, so she thought that nobody cared. Felt like an outcast in a room full of strangers, betrayed by the empty promises she had heard before. And so it all continued, turning her into the insecure person that I see now. Scared of being real and giving in to expectations of other people. Trying to please everyone while not really knowing who she is. Or am I wrong? Does she exactly know why she does the things that she does? Meanwhile she was slowly forgetting about me. The love that once was ours was fading even though I was trying to prevent this all from happening. Apparently it was out of the question that I would succeed. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough or maybe it was just all in vain. She kept on pushing me aside. Giving me excuses which I kept believing. I kept on supporting her life in every aspect. I put myself aside just so she could do what she wanted. I only wanted her to be happy but I’ve failed in every aspect. I lost her love and now she’s gone, gone forever as nothing will ever be the same. We’ll be good friends for sure but all my future plans have left on the ever changing winds of time. Everything I dreamed of has been taken away and now I stand here with no hope and dreams. I’m cold inside and I don’t seem to care. I’ve shed my tears and gained a renewed feeling of insecurity. I felt so confused the past months, always paranoia, wondering what I did wrong and why everything went wrong. Wondered if it was all my fault and what I could’ve done to prevent this. She said it isn’t my fault and took the blame for herself but I don’t believe her entirely. I’ve suffered so much these last months and I wished for things to turn around for the best but Life never gives you what you want.

So now I stand alone. Wishing for someone to take me in from the cold and just take me and hold me, shielding me from all of this pain that still lies in me. No one knows but it hurts, it hurts so bad to know that it’s all over and nothing will become like it used to be. Lost all my dreams and saw my hope disappear into nothing.

I feel so alone.

I just want to die now…

God here I go again. I need some time…