Unwritten Letter

I still remember the day that I met you. We've come
a long way since then. I recall the weeks when you were down because you thought that I was untouchable for you, that you wouldn't stand a chance. Those times were very hard on you, physically as well as mentally.
You suffered as hard as someone of your age barely can stand.
You came to me, my suspicions were all right. When I asked you if there was someone that you loved, you confirmed but when I wanted to know who it was you closed your shell and didn't come out. I knew that someone was me but I wanted to be sure. You were afraid that I wouldn't care for you because you are so young. When I sent you that mail in which I asked if that someone was me you were all confused. You didn't know exactly what to say or if you were going to say it. Finally you confirmed that it was me and you were sure that I was going to tell you that I didn't love you.
How wrong you were...
The next day you were planning to take your own life because you still thought that I didn't love you.
Luckely I came to see you at 10. And I asked you again if you loved me. You said you did and that you would understand if I didn't love you. Then came the surprise...
I asked you: "what if I love you as much as you love me?". You stood there baffled, only for a moment then I heard that you were angry with me for that. That you couldn't even look into my face anymore.
Then I asked why you were angry, if you were angry with me because I loved you.
Still confused you didn't know what to say,but then came the 3 words that I love coming out of your mouth: "I love you". The next days of our lifes couldn't be better because we had eachother. Every moment that I could be with you have I been there. None of those moments were to be thrown away, because I loved you. Still you were afraid that you would say or do something that I would dissapprove and that I would leave you for that. But that was never the case because I loved you.
One day I gave you my dogtag as a token of my love, representing that where-ever you were my heart would be with you. I still kiss it every day, making sure that I'll never forget you.
Then we started to make promises. You promised that you would love me for the rest of my life. I did the same and it came from deep inside me with an honesty that I never felt before. You still had doubts, you thought that I would forget about you and that so my love would disappear. I assured you that it would never be the case and even now I know that it will never happen.
I remember the afternoon when we went to that happening with the entire school. How I trespassed the fences to be with you for the whole afternoon. As we sat there in the burning sun together holding eachother even though we weren't allowed to. As the happening ended we walked back holding hands. We had to go get our stuff so we were torn apart. When I waited for you and while I was searching I felt as lonely as I could be, not knowing where you were. As I found you I was kinda mad and happy at the same time. Then we went to the park. While there I remembered how I tried to express how I felt when I didn't found you. But that didn't really matter, as I was sitting there, close to you, I couldn't stop it. I started crying. You thought that there was something wrong and you got scared.
When you asked what was wrong I hesitated, I said I cried because I couldn't believe that I was loved by you. I said that I didn't disserve it. You sat there and told me that noone had ever cried for you, that I was the first to do that. You also told me that if I wouldn't stop crying that you would probably start crying. As you whiped away my tears with your fingers I felt safe and I was gratefull to have you. The time to say goodbye that day was very hard for me but I couldn't do anything to make you stay. But I know that when I sat there crying was the most beautifull moment of my life.

The days past on and my love for you grew stronger each day. There was this day when the school was open to the public where we had said to meet. It was a sunday and the weather was nice. We had fun and talked a long time. I'll never forget the goodbye that day. We didn't seem to be able to say goodbye. We just stood there in the park holding eachother. You were very late but it was impossible to leave eachother. I felt so close to you, maybe that was the closest we would ever get...
Then came the time where I think, I lost you. It was an extra long weekend and I heard from you that a friend had died. I remember that I was shocked and that I felt really sorry for you. But it was in vain. You started to get suicidal again, mourning for the loss of a friends life. You were saying goodbye to everyone and started collecting all your poems. I still have the mail in which you said it wasn't so bad for me if you took your own life. That you would always be with me in spirit when you would be dead.
I felt so bad that moment. It felt like you denied that you loved me. That I couldn't stop you, no matter what... Luckely I saw you in school where we had a serious talk about it. I remember how I looked right into your face with tears running from my face. I did everything to stop you. With the help of your friends you were able to become more happy. That changed your mind. I told you that if you weren't gonna commit suicide that I would make t worth for you. Unfortunately I would never have the chance.
The following weeks passed very fast and before I realized it, I was struck with the most painful and powerful weapon in the world. The first week everything seemed to be alright. Everything was back to normal. But then your interest in me began to weaken. I didn't want to believe it so I closed my eyes and told myself that everything was fine.
But unfortunately the last week came. You started to get off of your bus on another stop so I couldn't see you in the morning anymore. When I came to see you, you were always busy with your friends instead of me. I felt alone and abandoned and even a little bit misunderstood. But I would keep repeat that everything was alright.
Then in the weekend in the middle of the exams I received a mail from you that was quite violating. I was shocked to receive it from the one that I thought that she loved me. The next day I was pretty angry with you , and I was about to tell you when you said that you had to tell me something. At first I said ok and asked what you wanted to say. But as you continued to repeat the word "hell" I became frightened. I lost all feeling in my body, it felt like I was about to pass out. Then you told me that the last week you felt better with your friends. You couldn't say it to me. But when I asked you what you really wanted to say you just said it. "I don't love you anymore.", I collapsed. Couldn't believe it happened to me again. I didn't know what to say.
Something deep inside me told me that I couldn't feel too much, that I had to accept it because of the remaining exams. So I did accept it, I assured you that I wasn't hurt too much. But I couldn't lie to myself, I had died.
Completely bled out and powerless. And nobody who knew said it, not even you. I somehow managed to pass all exams without any major problems. Then I had more time to think about all of this. There hasn't been a day that I didn't think of you. Sometimes I still wake up from a dream with you in it. It might seem weird but I have never stopped loving you, not a single moment. That scares me because I know that I'll be hurt even more as time goes on.
I asked myself why. If there was someone else or another reason that would give me a better sight on the situation. I wondered if you liked it better to be with your friends that it would mean that you couldn't love me and also have fun with your friends.
At last I received the mail in which your reason was clearly explained. You just didn't love me no more, you really loved me in the beginning but as time went by you noticed that you couldn't fullfil your promises to me. You stopped loving me and left me to die alone.
Once again I was hurt by the one that I loved the most. The pain is incredible and I have no more feelings. I don't care about anything anymore. Because it is over and things will never be the same again.